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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To need help to leave my husband

115 replies

tiredmum2019 · 24/07/2019 21:31

I’ve name changed but don’t actually post that often anyway. I have been married to my husband for just over 30 years. I have found him extremely difficult for a long time now. We have 3 adult children- only our youngest who is 24 lives with us. She has multiple special needs (autistic, adhd, Tourette’s and Emotional difficulties) so I have always wanted stability for her. He has been lying and going out to dinner with a younger woman (he says there is another man there too but I’m not sure) and has been going on days out with her (again he says there is another man there). He has lied and said she isn’t there but later when he is caught out lying says he doesn’t ‘fucking care’. He blames me as he says I always nag at him and that’s why he lies. He has hit our daughter a lot over the years (he doesn’t do it anymore though) and has kicked her also. She can be difficult sometimes but it is not an excuse for his behaviour. He has also taken her bedroom door off in the past. One night he told her to drop dead. He has held my head down the toilet many times and dragged me along the carpet (he has said that he stopped when I screamed that he was hurting me). He has also held my head between his legs and farted .i have recordings of him admitting that he has done all of these things. He works full time and I look after our daughter but I do everything at home but he still feels that I should be more grateful to him. I want to separate now but he says that he won’t move out and I don’t have anywhere to take our daughter. I really don’t know what to do. I know this isn’t an aibu but I don’t have anyone I can ask for help and I really need it. Thank you for reading x

OP posts:
nearlynermal · 24/07/2019 22:12

Sounds like you're already doing some very sensible things. Hang in there and keep going xx

Catsandchardonnay · 24/07/2019 22:18

I have no advice really, just wanted to come on here and offer a virtual hand-hold. OP I’m sure you will find you are stronger than you think. Do you have a friend IRL who can go to the police and solicitor with you? It’s often difficult to take things in when you’re really stressed. Flowers for you and your daughter.

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 24/07/2019 22:18

Thank you everyone for all your kind words and advice. I think I would like to report him to the police but I don’t think I have enough evidence- does anyone know what other evidence I would need to have a stronger case. Thank you

OP posts:
tolerable · 24/07/2019 22:19

op. Please contact womans aid. 0808 200 247. They will absolutely help you. the local branch will know the right support network to help you.they wont judge you or force you into anything and they wont leave you dealing with this alone.they will help.please call.best wishes x

Nat6999 · 24/07/2019 22:22

Speak to women's aid, try & sort things like passports, bank statements, wage slips, birth certificates etc, do you have a friend or relation you can trust who would keep things for you? If you do, take spare clothing, medication etc & leave it with them. Try & get some cash, use cashback when you go shopping & build up a stash, get your name on the council waiting list for housing. If your husband is out at work, you have the perfect time to leave while he is at work. Find a different solicitor who doesn't know your husband, tonight be helpful to have a pay as you go phone so your husband cant check your normal mobile to see calls to women's aid & solicitors, don't keep this secret from anyone you can trust, you need someone else to know in case things kick off. If he gets violent again, ring the police, they wont take your daughter away, just make sure you are somewhere safe.

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 24/07/2019 22:22

@tolerable I will definitely call them tomorrow and explain the situation x

OP posts:
0nTheEdge · 24/07/2019 22:23

Is it worth talking to another solicitor for a second opinion? It sounds like you're ready to make the break and know this is not how you want to live the rest of your lives. He sounds vile.

SeraphinaDombegh · 24/07/2019 22:24

OP, I know it must feel incredibly daunting to think about what it will take to leave him, the uncertainty of the future etc. But on the other side is a future that, whatever else it holds, has the possibility of being free from his evil abuse and from him. It is worth it. It is. You can do this - one step at a time. I'll echo PPs who have said to consult another, independent solicitor, and to call Women's Aid. You are stronger than you know x

PooWillyBumBum · 24/07/2019 22:25

I think you need to talk to a specialist solicitor. There are a couple in my area I know who specifically deal with domestic abuse.

givemesteel · 24/07/2019 22:40

My advice would be to not call the police op, as it will likely just mean that you daughter is removed from you and not necessarily placed in a particularly great alternative housing situation (speak from experience with ASD sibling), I font think your husband will be removed as your DD is ss priority.

Definitely consult another solicitor, just because your husband is a nasty person it doesn't mean you'll come off badly. You are the sole carer of a SN adult who is reliant on your for 100 percent care, potentially for the rest of your life. Your settlement should be greater than his.

You need fresh advice and a plan. Agree move the money saved out of the house so he can't get to it. Do you have a family member you trust? Start ferreting away more money where he couldnt notice. It might take a few months but it will be worth it. Good luck op.

recrudescence · 24/07/2019 22:40

I haven’t got any more or better advice but I just wanted to wish you luck. People do escape from terrible situations like this and you will too.

FilthyforFirth · 24/07/2019 22:46

How about your other children? Have they witnessed their fathers behaviour?

Could you and your youngest go and stay with them in the interim if he wont move?

tolerable · 24/07/2019 22:53

tiredmum2019- my situation is different from yours,in lots of ways. common denominator is you know it HAS to stop.daily doses of overwhelming helplessness and struggling to stay strong is taxing and until you are free to just be..you arent going to realise how hard its got. I think you were really brave to post all that you have. Hes manipulitive and cruel and it can be so very humiliating to realise theres a list,never mind voice it. Deal with it/(womens aid)asap.tomorrow is never guaranteed,for anyone.you and your daughter have the right to a life,and happiness today.best wishes.x

CanILeavenowplease · 24/07/2019 22:54

OP - is he self employed? Before leaving just quietly photocopy everything - you need evidence of all accounts, investments, credit cards, savings, Premium Bonds, business bank account, his P60, share certificates etc etc etc Remove, copy, leave with someone you trust to get yourself a PO Box then put back. He never needs to know you’ve done this but when he thinks he’s being clever shifting everything into a new account and closing everything down, you have your evidence. Be careful who you trust - it must be your family or your friend (not a wife of one of his friends).

Corna · 25/07/2019 07:48

OP, don't worry about building a case for the police, just go and speak to them and see what they say. They have specialist officers who can try to help you, tell them everything. And please call womens aid too.

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 08:05

@CanILeavenowplease yes he is self employed.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 08:09

@FilthyforFirth yes they’ve seen his behaviour. Our other daughter has no contact with us because of it and our son comes home regularly but he lives in a 1 bedroom flat/bedsit type place- and unfortunately we really couldn’t stay with him

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 08:10

@tolerable thank you so much. I really hope you are able to move forward too x

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 25/07/2019 08:10

Jesus, he's been "hitting your daughter for years"?!!

YouJustDoYou · 25/07/2019 08:11

The sheer abuse he has perpetrated against you and your daughter is horrific.

LionKingLover · 25/07/2019 08:14

You need to leave. You and your daughter. Sending hugs x

LittleOwl153 · 25/07/2019 08:30

Find yourself another specialist solicitor. You cannot trust someone who knows him not to share info with him which will make things harder for you - and also likely not get what you deserve.

Self employment makes thing a harder in terms of assets. But you would not be looking at CMS child mantenane so not as challenging as some. You just need to know as much about his current situation as you can. And ask for a court settlement based on that.

You may find your daughters situation improves once he is out if her space, but you can work out what money you will have coming in from benefits etc. To give you an idea of where you will be at. Have you applied for DLA/PIP for her and then carers allowance for you? It's not much but it helps. (if you haven't do it - but get specialist help and make sure your & your daughters money goes into accounts he can't access). Neither of those benefits are means tested so you can apply regardless.

Could you contact your daughter and ask her for help. If she is NC because of him she may be willing to help you escape him.

Original poster
tiredmum2019 · 25/07/2019 08:40

@LittleOwl153 I probably will look to get another solicitor- my current one wouldn’t have contact with him though he says he’s an awful man but that he will probably go to extreme lengths to get everything he can- he says it’s because of this that he advised me not to divorce him

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 25/07/2019 08:42

Hi OP. Firstly, I'm very sorry about the way you and your daughter have been treated and it must be awful feeling like there's no where to turn. What he has done/is doing is abuse, previously physical and at the moment emotional.

I would urge you to give your local women's aid a call and see about getting yourself and your daughter into a refuge. It will be a roof over both of your heads then they will help you to find permanent accommodation.

If you don't want to do that, will either of your other adult children take you and your daughter in? Do they know what their dad is like?

Finally, if the house is owned, you have a right to a share of that as well as any savings, pensions etc. Make sure you see a solicitor to deal with these things and don't walk away with nothing as you need it for yourself and your daughter

squee123 · 25/07/2019 08:50

I actually think you're more at risk of your daughter being removed if you do nothing. If you continue in this situation there are safeguarding concerns and if it came out and you were doing nothing she might be removed because you can't protect her. Howver, if you are determined to leave it and demonstrate that you are following through then there are lots of practical issues for your daughter to be dealt with, but you are substantially reducing the risk of her coming to harm.

Contact Women's Aid today and after that the police. You say you have recordings which is great evidence. Would your children be able to support your case? Perhaps with specially trained interviewers for your daughter.

Your other daughter that has no contact - do you think she might support you if she knew you were going to leave? I wonder if she has distanced herself because she can't bear to witness what he is doing but would be only too pleased to help.

Well done OP - it is daunting but it seems like you've made a brave decision and now you need to stick with it. One foot in front of the other...