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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ex-husband name of hotel?

77 replies

forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 14:14

I'm takinh the children abroad for a holiday with my new husband and his children.

Very briefly ex is an ex-prisoner still on probation; abusive marriage; police harassment warning against him and now a civil restraining order in place. Court has ordered a dedicated email account for comms re practical child arrangements only.

He has asked for flight numbers and hotel name for holiday. In any normal circs I'd consider this reasonable. I've provided flight times.

However my concern is that if I give hotel name he will research it, probably contact the hotel, trawl social media to try spy on us.

He's also demanded the children take their ipads to "maintain contact". We are having a screen-free holiday. And i don't want him seeing into our hotel rooms etc.

Aibu??

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 24/07/2019 14:16

Give nothing. Just ignore it.

He's not going to get you to court to make you give it.

TheJoxter · 24/07/2019 14:16

YANBU
Don’t take iPads, if you need an excuse other than screen-free holiday just say you’re worried about them getting lost/broken (which I would be tbh!)

The kids can write him postcards instead

nauseous5000 · 24/07/2019 14:18

I insist on having this info when ex takes DD abroad and vice versa, not to stalk at all, but because I have a right to know where my child is as does he. Your situation is different as your ex is different, but you can prob understand as a parent that he wants to know where his child is and to want to keep in contact. Why not tell him hotels are allocated on arrival as last minute deal but you'll be in x resort and that you'll arrange for children to contact him on these days at this time

Foslady · 24/07/2019 14:18

Don’t give the hotel name then he can’t check up on you when you say there was no WiFi at the hotel

eosmum · 24/07/2019 14:19

Give him the name of the one next door, and say you were moved last minute.

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 24/07/2019 14:22

YANBU re no screens. Tell him the wrong hotel?

Aquamarine1029 · 24/07/2019 14:23

I would completely ignore him. Why bother arguing or lying?

Butterflyone1 · 24/07/2019 14:31

If there's no reason why you need to give him the hotel details, then don't. What does the court say?

If you think it's easier, give a different hotel but it might not be worth the hassle of lying in case he finds out.

MatchSetPoint · 24/07/2019 14:34

Give him the name of another hotel (a real one incase he looks it up) that way he thinks he is getting his own way and there’s no argument. I understand the IPad thing, you would want to talk to our children if you weren’t with them for a week.

littlepaddypaws · 24/07/2019 14:38

i just wouldn't engage with this person tbh

msmith501 · 24/07/2019 14:39

He doesn't want to know because he cares, he wants to know because he's controlling and wants to put you on the back foot. You have residency and it's none of his business.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 24/07/2019 14:42

Ignore him completely. If he kicks off about the iPads after tell him you forgot to pack them. Oh dear never mind. He only wants to know the hotel details to either be a pest or to stalk you. Sad little man.

Nesssie · 24/07/2019 14:42

Don't give him the hotel details - YANBU

However YABU - I would take an ipad and schedule one call per week you are away.
He's obviously been allowed to have contact with the children so you shouldn't really stop it, but can control when. You wouldn't like it if he took the kids away for a week and wouldn't let you talk to them. pick your battles - one skype call isn't going to kill you and will reflect better in a court.

Orchidflower1 · 24/07/2019 14:42

Are the iPads bought AND insured by the ex? If so then take them but all contact in the lobby only( loads of hotels only have free / good WiFi in this area). If they are not ie he bought / you insure then no- don’t take them. They can phone him from a pay phone that he gives them Euro’s for in advance.

Sunburntnoseandears · 24/07/2019 14:43

Unless it's court ordered then of course you don't follow his orders.
Ignore and enjoy your holiday.
Court orders are to protect those involved.
If you give in to his demands you wasted everyone's time going to court...

msmith501 · 24/07/2019 14:46

And at stage of your relationship and given his past history, it's a good time to start asserting yourself and not be brought back under his controlling / scary influence. I expect prison has probably reinforced his need to be an alpha male but in reality it's all in his head.

DontTalkBloodyDaft · 24/07/2019 14:47

Don't respond to him at all.
You don't owe him any explanations, just the dates that you will be away if he has access.
Ignore him.

frazzledasarock · 24/07/2019 14:53

I wouldn't respond at all.

And I wouldn’t take iPads either. If you want him to speak to the children pretty sure you can make calls from phones. However presuming you’re not away for months the children can write him a postcard and speak to him/see him when they return.

I would be doing the above for yours and your children’s safety. He doesn’t sound pleasant and you don’t need the worry of what he might do with the information you provide.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 14:53

Of course you are most definitively not being unreasonable.

I tend to agree with LaurieFairyCake

"Give nothing. Just ignore it."

and msmith501

"And at stage of your relationship and given his past history, it's a good time to start asserting yourself and not be brought back under his controlling / scary influence. I expect prison has probably reinforced his need to be an alpha male but in reality it's all in his head."

He sounds a nightmare and you are best to just enjoy your holiday away from him.

stucknoue · 24/07/2019 15:01

Tell him you will check the email address daily and the children will send messages and photos 2-3 times a week. Have them FaceTime him once or twice possibly. Screen free is fine but he is entitled to know they are safe and having a good time - you would expect this if the tables were reversed. Telling him the country and resort is probably fine, though I would expect full travel plans if I was him, not unreasonable, they are his kids.

Louloubelle78 · 24/07/2019 15:01

This comments ones from experience.......

I am sure if he did take you to court they would say you need to give hotel details as you would want them too I suspect if the tables were turned.

My ex would refuse to give details and the judge pointed out in this day and age it is really important to know where your kids are.

He is trying to get to you and you are letting him. Just ignore his bluster and hand over the details. As far as the iPads go, take them and arrange with your ex a time he can talk to them with facetime.

I can't even talk to my ex because of a similar lar set up to you. However, I know most of it is to press my buttons. Just let him have what he wants then he'll realise it's no big deal to you.

You shouldn't post on social media until you are back anyway from a security perspective on the house. It is easy for other posters to say don't give over the info but it would not go down well if you went back to court. You need to take the higher ground and appear reasonable.

Louloubelle78 · 24/07/2019 15:02

Apologies for typos....

Fink · 24/07/2019 15:02

I wouldn't even consider flight numbers reasonable, why would he need to know?!

Dates you are away and the country you're going to will be fine. Kids can send a postcard if they have his address. A single line response like 'We are having a screen-free holiday so the children will not have their ipads with them.' or else don't respond to the ipad thing at all.

If you're away for a long time (3 weeks or more), maybe kids could phone him, from a public phone while you're out for the day nowhere near where you're staying, for a chat one day. No need for any more than that. Certainly no need for any special arrangements if you're only away for a week-10 days.

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2019 15:05

Would your children want to contact him whilst on holiday?
That guides that.

Personally i think the other Parent should know where there children are staying. But it depends on if he will harass you.

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2019 15:06

If the Court has determined that you communicate about practical matters by email only, AND you think you should do something then a few brief lines emailed to say leave/return ( plus a day or two to give you landing space) dates & country of holiday. At a huge push, maybe the resort if it is large & anonymous.
Send email as you leave or land.

This is a reasonable amount of information to give & it is as the Court has directed you both*.

  • ‘If you give in to his demands you wasted everyone's time going to court...’ Good point.

If you must take any iPadiPhone, double check that there is no ‘tracking’ app installed. You might consider checking up online how to back up your gadgets & then restore to factory settings.

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