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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ex-husband name of hotel?

77 replies

forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 14:14

I'm takinh the children abroad for a holiday with my new husband and his children.

Very briefly ex is an ex-prisoner still on probation; abusive marriage; police harassment warning against him and now a civil restraining order in place. Court has ordered a dedicated email account for comms re practical child arrangements only.

He has asked for flight numbers and hotel name for holiday. In any normal circs I'd consider this reasonable. I've provided flight times.

However my concern is that if I give hotel name he will research it, probably contact the hotel, trawl social media to try spy on us.

He's also demanded the children take their ipads to "maintain contact". We are having a screen-free holiday. And i don't want him seeing into our hotel rooms etc.

Aibu??

OP posts:
wobytide · 24/07/2019 15:08

If this thread was reversed I'd be amazed if the responses were the same

Floralnomad · 24/07/2019 15:11

What contact does he have with the children usually ? I agree with pp that if the positions were reversed the responses would be very different . The bottom line is he may be an abusive twat but he’s an abusive twat that you chose to have children with and I assume he has contact with them otherwise he wouldn’t know about the holiday .

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2019 15:12

Just reread the original thread...

He has asked for flight numbers - NO
and hotel name for holiday - NO

In any normal circs I'd consider this reasonable- OK for father/mother of children but not at all for abusive legally-bound person.
I’ve provided flight times - did you do this through the dedicated email account?

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2019 15:22

This is your holiday as a new family & this is now your focus rather than paying attention to the demands of someone abusive & unreasonable.

However, for all his faults & behaviours he is still their dad. It cannot be the easiest time for him to know that his kids are on holiday with their mum(something he may not be able to do for them) & your new husband & his children. Your own children may have some trepidation about this themselves.

So, I suggest you consider setting a form of contact for your kids to speak with their dad that you can agree/tell the kids (& their dad) & stick to this. It may be a postcard the day you arrive & a phone call after a week. Would he have usually access during this time ? If so, can there be a brief call during that time ? Low key, reliable but contact all the same.

Screen free family holiday - for all - is reasonable.

Travis1 · 24/07/2019 15:23

Absolutely stunned at the responses. Can you imagine if it was a mother saying her ex was taking her children on holiday, wouldn't tell her where and wouldn't allow any contact during the holiday? There would be uproar and advice to not let them go/return to court etc etc.

YABU

UniversalAunt · 24/07/2019 15:24

‘If this thread was reversed I'd be amazed if the responses were the same’.

Any parent who is abusive & has a civil restraining order in place- the concerns are the same.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/07/2019 15:29

He doesn't need to have this information. No parent needs it or has the right to have it when the child(ren) are with the other parent. It's cloying and completely unnecessary. If they choose to give that information then fine, but there's no 'right' to it.

In your circumstances OP, it defies the court-ordered contact spec. anyway. Ignore.

Have a nice holiday and vow to keep information on a need-to-know basis only. For everything.

Alicecooperslovechild · 24/07/2019 15:32

Is there a way that the information can be trusted to a third party (solicitor). If he knew that you were going to Spain (for example) and there was a problem he could then apply to that person to check that the children weren't caught it up in it?

If he is legally allowed communication via iPad during that time I think that you have to honour it but I would do it in the lobby of a different hotel, for example, so that he can't identify the location.

Medicaltextbook · 24/07/2019 15:34

I don’t know whether you are being unreasonable but I think giving false information is a very bad idea. If he later finds out and you are in court it may appear he cannot trust you. If you think the children would not be safe if he knows just don’t respond.

Breathlessness · 24/07/2019 15:36

It’s amazing how bad people’s comprehension levels are. This man has:

Has served prison time
Is currently on probation
Was abusive during the marriage
Has been warned by police over harassment
Is subject to civil restraining order
Is only allowed to contact OP through court ordered email account and with regard to child arrangements.

RonnieScotts · 24/07/2019 15:39

If he was taking the kids abroad, would you expect flight details and hotel name to be provided?

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/07/2019 15:44

However my concern is that if I give hotel name he will research it, probably contact the hotel, trawl social media to try spy on us.

What could be actually do that would honestly inconvenience you? I'm baffled about the flight numbers too. I think he's entitled to know where the kids are.

Nesssie · 24/07/2019 15:45

@Breathlessness however, this man is also:

The children's father
Has regular contact with them (as deemed OK by a court)

Therefore he should be able to talk to his children at least once whilst away and should know roughly where they are going.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 15:47

If this thread were reversed and the OP were male and his ex was an abusive ex criminal then no, the responses would not be different.

Breathlessness · 24/07/2019 15:48

Roughly. Not the specific hotel. Contact. Not intruding on the OP’s holiday whenever he feels like it.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 15:49

FiddlesticksAkimbo a nasty abusive person could probably do just about anything. He could turn up unannounced at the hotel just to piss off his ex partner. There is no way he needs to know where they are.

Unluckyinlove2019 · 24/07/2019 15:50

@msmith501 pretty much nailed it.

@wobytide agree, but in my experience it's usually the mothers who are the resident parents which I think gives them more right in knowing where their children are staying.

I've been through the court process. Ex is obliged to provide me with his full travel itinerary two weeks in advance of travel abroad, before I hand over DDs passport.

He sees DD EOW, and time during the school holidays.

It was not mentioned in court that I have to do the same, and is not written into the order.

I went away earlier this month, DD told him about a week before we travelled. I got the email demanding flight numbers, hotels etc which I didn't provide as I'm legally not obliged to. His response just proved as an earlier OP said that he doesn't want to know out of love or caste for DD... he just wants to try and keep that last little bit of control over me and hates it that he can't.

Obviously, if things were amicable, I think parents could and should divulge such information but with men like my ex who was abusive they have absolutely no right knowing. And I won't be telling until I'm legally forced to.

I wouldn't say a word OP, although would think about the iPad thing. Would it really hurt to allow one or two Skype calls? I think in the eyes of the children it would be good as you'll be seen as trying to promote their relationship with DF. Unless they really don't want to of course!

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/07/2019 15:52

Italian - I doubt he has a passport on probation.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 15:53

When my daughter went away with the school, twice, for 5 days, we did not get to talk to her. I was not worried. She was fine.

As a 'father' he should be happy the kids are having a nice holiday with someone trustworthy, their mum. The person who looked after them while he was in prison. Hos desire to know the details just sounds like he wants control.

wobytide · 24/07/2019 15:55

which I think gives them more right

If both parents have parental responsibility, neither has more right. Amazed how people fail to see that

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 15:58

FiddlesticksAkimbo that is a good point but I don't know where the OP is flying to. I'd still not trust him.

The OP clearly doesn't trust him and I think she is wise to trust her gut.

Lllot5 · 24/07/2019 16:46

Don’t do anything unless you are legally obliged to.
If he thought so much about his kids he wouldn’t have been abusive to their mother. Fuck him

OurChristmasMiracle · 24/07/2019 16:51

Flight numbers no but estimated arrival time I would be ok to give him and w check in to say “all arrived safely”.

Same with returning.
Hotel name I wouldn’t give.

slipperywhensparticus · 24/07/2019 17:02

What contact does he have now?

wobytide · 24/07/2019 17:16

Is there a Child Arrangement Order in force as that isn't mentioned either? If there isn't and you don't have his written permission you could be opening up a whole can of worms too especially if you won't provide contact/emergency details as it's a reasonable request if he does have established contact with the children