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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell ex-husband name of hotel?

77 replies

forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 14:14

I'm takinh the children abroad for a holiday with my new husband and his children.

Very briefly ex is an ex-prisoner still on probation; abusive marriage; police harassment warning against him and now a civil restraining order in place. Court has ordered a dedicated email account for comms re practical child arrangements only.

He has asked for flight numbers and hotel name for holiday. In any normal circs I'd consider this reasonable. I've provided flight times.

However my concern is that if I give hotel name he will research it, probably contact the hotel, trawl social media to try spy on us.

He's also demanded the children take their ipads to "maintain contact". We are having a screen-free holiday. And i don't want him seeing into our hotel rooms etc.

Aibu??

OP posts:
CanuckBC · 24/07/2019 17:19

What does your court order say about travel and providing information? Most say something about this. If it doesn’t I would not provide hotel details for the reason you provided. If he has harassed you previously it is wise to not give specific location so he can not do anything untoward on your family vacation. He will most likely be jealous due to your ability to travel and have this holiday. It may not end well if he has this information. A city location would suffice with telling the hotel/resort to not release your attendance to anyone! Unless of course disaster etc hits. Which our won’t but must prepare for all circumstance.

Sunburntnoseandears · 24/07/2019 17:29

Beware he could cancel all the arrangements if you give him details. He will know all your dates of birth etc....

Unluckyinlove2019 · 24/07/2019 18:11

Wobytide, completely get that.

But when one parent fails to step up in every aspect of parenting, yet is very forthcoming in trying to flex their muscles when it suits them then in an attempt to assert control then in my opinion they should forfeit any right.

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 20:11

CAO in place. Regular contact and reside with me. Nothing ordering me to disclose travel details etc. Like I say he's only allowed limited defined contact with me via dedicated email address (which he frequently abuses...).

Court order reasons (for refusing joint residence) are recorded in the order and state he's a manipulative bully and children are not his first priority, controlling me is his priority.

I am very very reluctant to provide hotel. I totally get the parental responsibility and he's a parent too etc but he's a controlling abuser and I know him well enough... hence this post!

I'm reflecting on all responses.

OP posts:
Cannotresist · 24/07/2019 20:23

Family solicitor

I assume from above he has PR ? In which case ( without seeing the order) he has a right to some info but you are reasonable to provide that in the spirit of the order eg if you say the court has made findings and there are restrictions eg the right level would probably be country and leave and return dates.

I am sure you are aware While with the res order you can leave for up to 28 days without his permission if it cuts across his contact time and he hasn’t agreed to vary then he could cause issues - it sounds like he is either scheduled to have fact time or has offered it instead. In which case you should take the iPad/ find access to skyp for a scheduled contact . Hide the iPad outside of that one time

ForalltheSaints · 24/07/2019 20:27

Presumably your passports tell of a person to contact in the event of an emergency, who is not the ex-husband?

Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 20:43

He's having them for 3 weeks straight immediately our holiday (which is 10 days). Eg half summer hols each.

Passports for the children are brand new.

OP posts:
Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 20:43

*immediately prior

OP posts:
Original poster
forthispurposeonly · 24/07/2019 20:46

Just to add - we suspect he blocks my facetime calls whilst he has the children as when we check ipads there are no missed calls. I have great difficulty reaching them while he has them.

OP posts:
KTara · 24/07/2019 21:12

I do give flights and times, as well as address we are staying. I utterly dislike doing this because I know he looks it all up on the internet but one has to stop and think what would be reasonable if the tables were turned. The issue with the control element is that it works in your head. I mean, control works by monopolising your mind, even if the person is not there.

But he is not there, he won’t be in your hotel room, he won’t be spending time with DC - and by worrying about him even knowing, rather than focusing on your holiday, the control works.

You cannot get away as you have children together. You can only ever partially get away. The problem started when you met him and did not realise how control worked and what he would do to you. The less head space you give it now that you are divorced, the better.

Think about what you would want and provide that. That is the only way to be the better person and put the children first.

Breathlessness · 25/07/2019 00:25

I completely disagree with that advice ^

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2019 02:44

OP "he's a controlling abuser" so please do not allow him to have anything in relation to the children you do not need to give him by law, IMHO.

He has lost the right to shout the odds by being a shit bag to you, and therefore by extension, to your kids.

"I am very very reluctant to provide hotel." Listen to your gut, if you don't need to and don't want to then why would you.

"...we suspect he blocks my facetime calls whilst he has the children as when we check ipads there are no missed calls. I have great difficulty reaching them while he has them." He is not respecting your time away from the kids, he sounds a nightmare, so sorry.
KTara "but one has to stop and think what would be reasonable if the tables were turned." But if the tables were turned for the OP we would be weighing one parent who is abusive against one who is not. It's not because the OP's ex is the dad, or not the mum, that he is being denied information about the holiday. It is because he has proved himself to be abusive.

The better person is the person who protects their children as much as possible from an abusive person, even if they are biologically related to that person.

Hopefully, the kids will one day learn what their dad is like and will not want him and his abusive ways in their life. The law requires parents to sometimes facilitate a relationship between a person who should not really be around children, and if that is the case then the OP only needs to do what the law requires.

crazycurry · 25/07/2019 03:06

I insist on this information when my sons are away and also volunteer it. You can talk on iPads without video, I wouldn't want the video being used either.

JingsMahBucket · 25/07/2019 07:00

Why are people acting like the ex isn’t abusive and controlling who can do real damage with the info? With hotel details he can call up and cancel their reservations before they arrive. He could do the same with flight details. Customer service reps unfortunately don’t check too much info when speaking to you over the phone sometimes. If you can’t find your confirmation code, they’ll ask for some identifying information which the abusive ex is likely to know like DOB.

I wouldn’t take the iPads either because he’s likely to have put monitoring software on them. The OP can use her phone and only let the children call him when away from the hotel, like at a public beach. That’ll also give credence to the “screen-free holiday” argument because they would be clearly outside doing stuff away from screens.

If the tables were turned I would normally say yes to providing the info. But you can’t ignore the fact that one parent is a dangerous and abusive ex-con who even the court recognizes is trying to hurt the other parent. There’s no way in heck I would hand that information over unless legally required to do so.

KTara · 25/07/2019 07:15

It is advice based on my experience breathless

I have been dismissed so much in what I have experienced.

KTara · 25/07/2019 07:29

The courts have ordered half the holidays so there is a limit to how much the DC are deemed in need of protection from this controlling, abusive man.

I understand that it is difficult to treat an abusive, controlling ex like an equal parent but the law deems him as such.

Ask your solicitor if you are unsure what level of information to give.

Collaborate · 25/07/2019 07:51

@forthispurposeonly I'm also a family solicitor. Given you have an order the children live with you and which allocates the holidays between you, you absolutely do not need to tell him where you are going.

Unless the order provides for the children to have contact with the other whilst on holiday, he cannot insist that they contact him and you can block that, but of course in reality much will depend on the ages of the children and what they say they want.

Italiangreyhound · 25/07/2019 07:58

OP do the children like speaking to him and enjoy contact? If they do or you are required by law to provide it then I would find a way to facilitate a brief call on holiday not from lap top or device but elsewhere and away from hotel.

I do hope the children know the truth about your ex (in age appropriate language) please do not hide it from them.

Breathlessness · 25/07/2019 08:08

I’m sorry for dismissing your experience. I know that the courts seem to ignore abuse within the adult relationship when it comes to child arrangements and women are forced to coparent with men that have abused them. You’ve had to find a way to live with that. The OP is in a position where she doesn’t have to. She has a civil restraining order. She’s gone to the law to get that protection. The courts, in her case, have recognised that she needs protection from him. It has set up boundaries, though he seems to still be ignoring them, to try to limit his interference in her life. Why volunteer information that she doesn’t have to give and undermine the effort to protect her?

snitzelvoncrumb · 25/07/2019 08:20

Don't give him the flight numbers or the name of the hotel, as a pp just said he could cancel everything, and even if he is just trying to mess with your head, you will just worry and you don't need that on a holiday. I would let the kids call him once, if you can do that away from where you are staying. Don't let him ruin your holiday.

cakecakecheese · 25/07/2019 10:44

I agree with not giving into his demands. Postcards and possibly one phonecall are sufficient. If he does kick off take notes about what he's said and keep any texts etc.

TwoPups · 25/07/2019 16:42

Give these details to a trusted friend / relative / solicitor etc. If there is an emergency he can then contact the trusted person who will pass on the info. Then it’s on a need to know basis.

Idontwanttotalk · 25/07/2019 16:49

If your ex took the DC abroad on holiday, would you expect him to tell you the name of the hotel?

KTara · 25/07/2019 18:42

breathless in my case, the courts recognised that DC needed protection, not me (I am extremely grateful for this but basically the focus of the legal case was on securing this). DC have a fraction of the contact in the OP. So yes, it is me that has to constantly, and I mean constantly, fend off the notion that we are anywhere near amicable co-parenting.

So yes, different situation. Point taken.

ChristOnAScooter · 25/07/2019 18:50

Its none of his business, yes they are his kids but they are on holiday with you, there mum. If there is an emergency of course you will contact him, but do not respond.