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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t be giving himself such a hard time.

101 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:04

DS moved in with his GF last year, they had been together a few years both late teens early 20s.

After a couple of months she decided to go home to her dads, no one else involved, both a bit too young. Was her choice and he was devastated.

He has slowly been getting over it and he’s been playing the field a bit. He and his ex are still friendly. She’s been seeing someone else but also tangling DS at the end of s strung a bit, sleeping with him and leading him to believe there is a chance they might get back together (I like her, but this isn’t fair on DS). I advised him to spend some proper time apart from his ex with no contact for a bit. I don’t think he has, but it’s been 9 months since they split.

Today he’s come round devastated because he got drunk at the weekend and slept with one of his exes friends.

He then phoned his ex the next day and told her as he felt terrible and didn’t want her to hear it from someone else (I don’t think he should’ve done this).

She has gone ballistic, blocked the friend and is giving DS a hard time.

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore.

I don’t see the huge issue but maybe I am old?

OP posts:
Malyshek · 23/07/2019 21:12

I think you're right.

But obviously the girlfriend was enjoying having your ds lovestruck and mooning after her. Now that it looks like he might get over it she's not happy.

She doesn't sound like a nice person.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:13

Hmm yes I hadn’t thought about it like that actually.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/07/2019 21:22

I know it's hard when your young adult children are going through a hard time, but don't you think that perhaps you're a bit too involved with your son's private life?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:23

He talks to me, I’m not involved, I am the person he talks to about stuff.

I was just checking out whether my attitude is a bit too laid back.

OP posts:
1stmonkey · 23/07/2019 21:33

You're right. They've been broken up a long time, she doesn't have a say in who he sleeps with.
That said, it was a pretty shitty move on his part and she was bound to be upset. Especially if he's still sleeping with her.

mcmen71 · 23/07/2019 21:40

I think It's great that you are so close with your ds. He did nothing wrong. His ex had been seeing other people so why can't he.
She's just jealous now because he not just thinking about her.

Leeds2 · 23/07/2019 21:52

The Ex is just jealous because DS is moving on, and not dangling on the end of her string. I would encourage him to concentrate on building a new life for himself, away from the Ex.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:52

I told him it was a stupid thing to do (he’s not still sleeping with ex now).

But it’s not like he cheated on her.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 23/07/2019 21:55

You have his side of the story and not hers. And yes, this is quite over-involved.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:58

She used to pop in and chat to me and we still message occasionally. I do have her side of the story.

Sad that being there for your adult (he’s 21 so v young adult) child to talk to is considered as “over involved”.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 23/07/2019 21:59

Relationships are complicated. Perhaps she does love him but shes panicked about being tied down. Perhaps she is stringing ds along. Who knows. Time to step back

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:00

I haven’t “stepped in”.

He talks to me.

OP posts:
sneakypinky · 23/07/2019 22:03

Good for him. Sounds like she's been stringing him along. Let her have her hissy fit.

AllFourOfThem · 23/07/2019 22:04

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore.

YANBU

However, I would be taking to my son about the risks of getting so drunk he is having sex with someone he doesn’t want. If he’s that drunk, is he using condoms? I appreciate his ex has hurt him but it sounds like he needs to be moving on in a different way.

herculepoirot2 · 23/07/2019 22:04

Sad that being there for your adult (he’s 21 so v young adult) child to talk to is considered as “over involved”.

He’s a big boy now.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/07/2019 22:07

Today he’s come round devastated because he got drunk at the weekend and slept with one of his exes friends

This is the part he's Unreasonable for. You don't tangle with Ex partners friends, it's just a rule. There are so many people in the world to get pissed and sleep with. He could easily have chosen someone who wasn't his Ex's friend. That's not ok.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:07

I don’t ever plan to stop being available to my son to support him emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:08

And yes - I tell him to be careful, and have done since he was 14. We are very open as I used to work in sexual health.

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 23/07/2019 22:10

Tbh they sound as bad as each other. You sound over involved.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:11

How the fuck is letting my son come round to talk to me being “over involved”.

OP posts:
Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:17

Sounds like the ex gf is controlling. If they are not together he’s a free agent . He needs to cut ties with the ex and live his life how he wants . If the ex wanted to be with him she wouldn’t have left .
She sounds like she doesn’t want your son but nobody else can have him .

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 23/07/2019 22:17

So sad that people consider this to be over involved. Would you say that about friends who support and talk to each other? Your son is very lucky to have such a close relationship with you OP

herculepoirot2 · 23/07/2019 22:22

You don’t have to agree, OP. I just think you have raised a man in his twenties and it’s a bit odd to be posting about his sex life.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:23

Hardly posting his name and bloody address am I?

I am asking for advice in a parenting forum.

OP posts:
Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:24

FudgeBrownie2019
Is this your rule ?
He’s an adult he can sleep with whom he wishes , whether that be the ex’s friend or any other girl .
Have you taken into account the ex’s friend may be at fault . No you’ve just gone along with the lad is at fault .