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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t be giving himself such a hard time.

101 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:04

DS moved in with his GF last year, they had been together a few years both late teens early 20s.

After a couple of months she decided to go home to her dads, no one else involved, both a bit too young. Was her choice and he was devastated.

He has slowly been getting over it and he’s been playing the field a bit. He and his ex are still friendly. She’s been seeing someone else but also tangling DS at the end of s strung a bit, sleeping with him and leading him to believe there is a chance they might get back together (I like her, but this isn’t fair on DS). I advised him to spend some proper time apart from his ex with no contact for a bit. I don’t think he has, but it’s been 9 months since they split.

Today he’s come round devastated because he got drunk at the weekend and slept with one of his exes friends.

He then phoned his ex the next day and told her as he felt terrible and didn’t want her to hear it from someone else (I don’t think he should’ve done this).

She has gone ballistic, blocked the friend and is giving DS a hard time.

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore.

I don’t see the huge issue but maybe I am old?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:26

I am not really interested in the ex’s friend, she has also made her own bed.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 23/07/2019 22:26

But advice about what?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:28

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore

I don’t see the huge issue but maybe I am old

I think my OP was fairly clear?

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 23/07/2019 22:30

But what advice are you after? Surely you don’t need to do anything?

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:30

Oh please for god sake I think the OP has got a handle on this .
What lad/girl has never got drunk and slept with someone they wouldn’t normally sleep / have sex with.

By all accounts you should be a nun if you think these things don’t happen

nanbread · 23/07/2019 22:32

While the ex has no right to tell him how to live, he obviously knew it would hurt her, why else would he feel terrible and then phone her and "confess"?

foreverhanging · 23/07/2019 22:34

You don't sound over involved to me, op. I wish I could talk to my mum about stuff.

doloresredondo13 · 23/07/2019 22:36

I don't think you sound over involved at all. You sound like a caring parent and people who are saying otherwise just don't understand.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 22:37

Thank you FlowersWine

OP posts:
Dillydallyingthrough · 23/07/2019 22:38

OP I don't know why everyone is saying your over involved - what are you supposed to do if asks your advice??

I talk to my DM about my relationships - she is someone and trust and I respect her opinion.

I think your right your DS can sleep with whomever he wants - she doesn't want him but no-one else can either.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/07/2019 22:39

Have you taken into account the ex’s friend may be at fault. No you’ve just gone along with the lad is at fault

OP wanted opinions on her son. I said that it wasn't ok for him to sleep with a friend of his Ex. The friend is out of order, too, but OP didn't ask for opinions on her, did she? The whole point of AIBU is to give opinions. Mine may not match yours, doesn't make them any less valid.

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:47

Iamnotagoddess
Ignore most of the people on here . You are a good parent concerned for her son.
He obviously still has feelings for his ex but she is being rather controlling and manipulative as regards to who he sees and what he does . Sleeping with his ex’s friend is not all on your son as it takes two tango .
Your son and his ex got together when they were young and now she wants to experience life outside a relationship, she has no say in what your son does, she’s made that clear when she left him . Your son is a free agent .

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:52

You actually said there is a rule . OP son is a free agent . He can sleep / have sex with whom he wants .

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 22:53

FudgeBrownie2019

FudgeBrownie2019 · 23/07/2019 22:56

It's a rule for me, yes. Just like not stealing, not telling lies, the usual moral 'rules'.

Absolutely he can. But he's wrong for doing it in my opinion. And since it's a forum for opinions, that's what the OP's getting.

Lola999 · 23/07/2019 22:58

Why is the OP getting a hard time here ffs. She sounds like a lovely mum and it's amazing her son can talk to her about things

Young men have a habit of bottling up their feelings and not talking which is unhealthy. I thought we were moving into the whole it's good to talk culture?????

Lola999 · 23/07/2019 22:59

By the way your son has done NOTHING wrong

EmeraldShamrock · 23/07/2019 23:03

Firstly OP I think it is great your DS can talk to you about these things. Smile

What is done is done, it is never good to go with an exs friend if still close to ex with any hope of reuniting.
It happens lots especially in close social circles, he can't be expected to wait on her forever either.
She'll get over it.

IamWaggingBrenda · 23/07/2019 23:03

Talking to your son and supporting him is not over-involved. Talking to him about his sex life is.

Snidpan · 23/07/2019 23:04

YANBU

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 23:05

So if he comes to me and talks to me about his sex life, and something that is upsetting him, I cover my ears and tell him I don’t want to know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 23:09

Also - he’s not asking me for tips or going into graphic details, he’s just discussing with me who he is sleeping with.

OP posts:
Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 23:10

Iamnotagoddess
At the end of the day he’s slept with one of his ex’s friends . She may well have fancied the pants off him whilst he was going out with her friend . He didn’t do himself any favours by letting his ex know but at least it’s out in the open. Like you say he’s been with ex since early teens he’s only doing what all young men do . As long as he’s practicing safe sex then I really don’t see any problem.

Ribeebie · 23/07/2019 23:14

Ignore the other posters being negative to you OP. It's good that your son can talk to you and confide in you. Please just keep supporting him as you are doing.

Yeah it's not the best choice he will have made sleeping with his ex's friend but she sounds to have been taking the mick a little to me. It might be a shock to her that's needed.

I agree he needs to take some time away from her completely and meet other people. It's hard at that age though, everything seems so intense and it's easy to lose perspective.

Imawomanontheedge · 23/07/2019 23:18

FudgeBrownie2019
Morals are important but it takes two to tango. Obviously ex’s friend has to be implicated in this scenario .
I do think he shouldn’t have rung ex with this news as she is manipulating and controlling. Not all men are at fault