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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t be giving himself such a hard time.

101 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:04

DS moved in with his GF last year, they had been together a few years both late teens early 20s.

After a couple of months she decided to go home to her dads, no one else involved, both a bit too young. Was her choice and he was devastated.

He has slowly been getting over it and he’s been playing the field a bit. He and his ex are still friendly. She’s been seeing someone else but also tangling DS at the end of s strung a bit, sleeping with him and leading him to believe there is a chance they might get back together (I like her, but this isn’t fair on DS). I advised him to spend some proper time apart from his ex with no contact for a bit. I don’t think he has, but it’s been 9 months since they split.

Today he’s come round devastated because he got drunk at the weekend and slept with one of his exes friends.

He then phoned his ex the next day and told her as he felt terrible and didn’t want her to hear it from someone else (I don’t think he should’ve done this).

She has gone ballistic, blocked the friend and is giving DS a hard time.

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore.

I don’t see the huge issue but maybe I am old?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/07/2019 21:14

You're not following the MN rule followed by some on here, OP, where you sling them out as soon as they're 18 and any other further involvement is you interfering.

There are some very strange people on MN.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 21:16

His gf and him lived here for a year and U was torn a strip off for charging them £300 a month.

They then moved into a flat where the rent was £865 a month.

Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 21:16

*I had a strip torn off me Blush

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 24/07/2019 21:21

Poor mental health in young people ( including those in their 20s) is a serious problem in our society. I will never not ‘listen’ or ‘be there’ for my DC if they want to talk.
I’m so sad for many late teens and young adults I see who’s parents seem to just assume that their brains are fully developed and emotional resilience has arrived overnight after their 18th birthday. You are doing the right thing listening to your son OP. He has to sort it out himself, but of course you are allowed to listen to him.

Moonflower12 · 24/07/2019 21:21

@Iamnotagoddess
You don't have to justify why you pay an interest and have a great relationship with your son.
Some people on here have been so awful to you.
Enjoy your closeness with your son.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 21:23

@Northernparent68

Thank you, I do and I have a similar relationship with my daughter and my other son Smile

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 24/07/2019 21:23

It sounds like it's all been messy with them being broken up but still shagging. I would be really angry if a friend had slept with my ex, especially when I was 21.

She has probably overreacted but he shouldn't have shagged her mate. The best advice I would give him would be to block all contact with her and make a clean break.

CSIblonde · 24/07/2019 21:30

She doesn't really want him (unless it's for a quickie) but doesn't want anyone else to have him either . Comes across as cold & quite manipulative tbh. He's best off out of it. He'll learn.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 24/07/2019 21:36

I think the fact he talks to you about it OP is absolutely wonderful and shows what a fantastic mum you are. I don’t think it’s a big deal either, but clearly it’s woken her up and made her realise he’s not her lap dog. Fingers crossed he won’t go back but he’ll need to make his own mistakes! He’s so young, hopefully he’ll have another 10 or more years of playing the field and finding himself before he needs to get serious. Maybe this was the wake up call he needeD?

SummerSeasoning · 24/07/2019 21:36

I don't get this rule either.

Nor do I get why he would phone her up to "confess".

A clean break would seem to be the better road for both of them to take but maybe that is me being old-fashioned too?

Too much drama for any genuine friendship.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 21:37

OP ignore the posts saying you're too involved. If your son feels he can share his relationship issues with you then you must have done a good job earning his trust when raising him. He must value your input to a degree even if it's not advice he wants and just someone to listen and sympathise. You haven't said or done anything wrong. All you can do is help him through it. He is still young and finding his way. These problems must be difficult as a parent because you can't fix it like you might have been able to fix things when they were much younger. Instead you have to watch them be sad / hurt and that is very hard. Hopefully he will be able to move on from his ex in time.

leghairdontcare · 24/07/2019 21:40

People might have different opinions on whether it's ok to sleep with your ex's mate. I personally think it is not ok. I assume your DS thinks the same, as he felt obliged to call his ex and tell her - he obviously knew he had done wrong and that his actions would upset her. Of course, he didn't care enough not to do it in the first place. From her perspective, she might have felt he was calling up to rub her nose in it.

I acknowledge that your DS may not have acted maliciously but I don't think his ex is unreasonably upset.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 21:49

He got drunk with her mate and shagged her.

He bitterly regrets it mainly because it wasn’t someone he would have chosen to shag if he had been sober and also because he felt it was the wrong thing to do morally.

He was also upset because he thinks his exes family will now think less of him (I don’t think they will).

OP posts:
sneakypinky · 24/07/2019 21:53

Why are people being so cunty to OP?

What's she supposed to do if her child/friend/family member comes to her to talk, tell them to fuck off?

sneakypinky · 24/07/2019 21:56

OP, remind him that he's young, you make mistakes, sometimes huge sometimes small, and we move on and grow.

I made some mistakes in my 20's that I now look back on and think good lord what a twat, we all do. Yes it's a bit shit right now, but he'll be ok.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 22:01

Being so over involved I texted him today and he’s feeling a bit better.

He blurted it out as soon as he got into the car yday, think he just needed to offload.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 24/07/2019 22:16

So all these posters who think this is ok would be happy for their partners to discusd their sex lifes with the MIL.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 22:18

I’m not the MIL though am I?

He never discussed his sex life with his long term girlfriend with me.

He tells me about girls he has seen/met/slept with.

It’s totally different.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 24/07/2019 22:38

I don’t think you’re over-involved but I am curious about your reasons for posting.

What advice are you looking for?

I think “she’s not someone he would have shagged if he was sober” is pretty awful, actually.

15YemenRoad · 24/07/2019 23:13

it wasn’t someone he would have chosen to shag if he had been sober

What a fucked up thing to say. I was with you until this moment, but I'm starting to wonder if you're child can ever be in the wrong in your eyes.

As Ivana said, I'm now failing to understand what you even want from this thread?

15YemenRoad · 24/07/2019 23:13

*Your

ssd · 24/07/2019 23:20

Way way too involved mum.

ssd · 24/07/2019 23:22

Has your son not got pals to talk to? Its great being close to your boys but bloody hell, he needs to grow up and you need to step back.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 23:34

Omg - I have slept with people and had one night stands when I have been drunk and I have woken up and regretted it.

OP posts:
Catsandchardonnay · 24/07/2019 23:38

OP ignore all the nasty posters saying you’re over-involved. You’re not, you just have a great relationship with your son. You sound like a great mum, and he sounds like a fundamentally nice person too, to regret his mistake and worry about his ex’s feelings. People on here are probably jealous because they’re not so close to their kids. Ignore them.