Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS shouldn’t be giving himself such a hard time.

101 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 23/07/2019 21:04

DS moved in with his GF last year, they had been together a few years both late teens early 20s.

After a couple of months she decided to go home to her dads, no one else involved, both a bit too young. Was her choice and he was devastated.

He has slowly been getting over it and he’s been playing the field a bit. He and his ex are still friendly. She’s been seeing someone else but also tangling DS at the end of s strung a bit, sleeping with him and leading him to believe there is a chance they might get back together (I like her, but this isn’t fair on DS). I advised him to spend some proper time apart from his ex with no contact for a bit. I don’t think he has, but it’s been 9 months since they split.

Today he’s come round devastated because he got drunk at the weekend and slept with one of his exes friends.

He then phoned his ex the next day and told her as he felt terrible and didn’t want her to hear it from someone else (I don’t think he should’ve done this).

She has gone ballistic, blocked the friend and is giving DS a hard time.

AIBU to think that why is wasn’t the wisest move, she doesn’t really get a say in what he does or who he sleeps with anymore.

I don’t see the huge issue but maybe I am old?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/07/2019 23:24

OP don't listen to the folk saying you're over involved. Most mums would counsel their daughters in this situation so why not their sons? I would hope my DS could talk to me or DH about something like this in the future.

mumoftwocuties · 23/07/2019 23:24

OP, I don't think you're "overstepping" anything. My DM offers support to both me and my siblings 23, 24 and 26- and recently my DB has had plenty of advice from my DM in regards to relationships!
Don't understand how being there for your DC at anytime or any age is being questioned, and I hope when my DC are older, they confide in me too!

I agree with you that he shouldn't have slept with the ex's friend, but he needs to move on and let that one go. As long as your DS hasn't said to his ex that he was wanting to still be involved with her/she was under the illusion they were still more then friends, I agree with PP and she is resenting the fact that your DS is looking to move on and wanted to continue to string him along if things don't work out with her new partner.
Keep offering that support, I know I needed my mum's advice when I was navigating complicated relationships Grin

15YemenRoad · 23/07/2019 23:55

Who he sleeps with is not her business, however him sleeping with her friend is a fucking shitty thing to do. I'm sure if she was now dating a friend of his, you would feel it's wrong regardless of whether or not they're together.

Your son isn't solely to blame, the friend is also wrong for sleeping with a friend's ex.

Her reaction is understandable as most would feel hurt, as you mentioned, they are still friendly.

For now, your son cannot do much else, he's been honest which is actually rather decent of him. Just let her have her space and work through her emotions. As for him, he's been honest and there's not much else he can do hereafter, so just advise him that he doesn't need to grovel for her forgiveness or anything of the sort, but just let her work out how and why she feels the way she does.

Also, it's great your son can talk to you, do not let others convince you otherwise.

Graphista · 24/07/2019 01:54

Hmmmm while it's ok for your son to move on, to sleep with one of HER friends I don't think is good behaviour. Neither was it on for her friend to do this.

Because even though they're no longer together there is a certain level of respect and loyalty that should remain, clearly your son recognised that and that he'd betrayed that and that's why he called to tell her before she heard about it from anyone else.

And any "friend" that sleeps with a recent, serious ex? Is NO real friend so I absolutely think she was right to cut that friendship I'm afraid.

I understand your loyalty is to your son, but come on you know that's a massive social faux pas and very hurtful thing to do - regardless of what she's done, because it speaks to your sons character.

He's made things harder for himself too, which isn't the brightest move.

That's the tack you need to take in my opinion, that you understand that yes, he is single now and yes his choice of sex partner is up to him TO A DEGREE - but there are certain people you don't "go there" with, especially when the split from his ex hasn't been "clean cut" (and he's as responsible for that as his ex, she hasn't put a magic spell on him! He has agency in that).

I think what's more worrying is that they got into a situation where they moved in together at such a young age when it seems clear to me neither was mature enough to cope with that.

Did either set of parents urge any caution or point out the possible cons of this?

He's only 3 years older than my dd and if she turned around and said she was moving in at that age with the first serious partner she's ever had I'd be having long discussions with her about the wisdom (or not) of that decision.

Happynow001 · 24/07/2019 03:17

I don’t ever plan to stop being available to my son to support him emotionally.
Good for you OP. I'm much older than your son and still need this sometimes from my mother! It's great that he trusts you enough to come to you and discuss issues - including his sex life - with you. 🌹

TeddybearBaby · 24/07/2019 05:04

The comments at the beginning of this thread are baffling aren’t they?! I can’t really put into words how I felt reading them. Saddened for sure. Feel sorry for some kids, once they hit 18 they’re no longer permitted to have emotions or look to their parents for support.

He’s got himself into a right tangle here but just with seeing this girl every now and then / not making a clean break. He’s not over her is he........ ex hasn’t got a leg to stand on as far as I’m concerned. She can be annoyed with her friend if she likes, they still have a relationship but she didn’t want him any more and she moved on to someone else so 🤷🏻‍♀️. Basically I agree with you. I’d be advising him to cut ties altogether, it sounds toxic.

Next time he comes to you with a problem tell him he’s too old for emotions and to keep a lid on his feelings 😂.

herculepoirot2 · 24/07/2019 06:47

I think people have misunderstood me. The OP can post about whatever she likes, including her DS’ sex life. I just don’t understand what actual advice she is looking for, other than people to join her in slagging off a young girl who is upset because her on-off ex/sex partner has slept with her mate. It’s pretty normal to be upset about things like that. I suppose I don’t know what the OP wants everyone to say.

Thingsdogetbetter · 24/07/2019 06:50

Can't sleep with an ex's friend nine months after ex dumps him? Wow. That seems a bit extreme. Are we only allowed sleep with people our exs don't like or don't know? We have no idea if this is her best friend - not the best idea consider the drama involved already - or a mutual, not particularly close friend.

Regardless, despite the drama, this is probably the best thing that could have happened (in a roundabout way). He's been unable to close the door on her, and now she's been a dog in a manger and slammed it shut for him. (Excuse the many mixed metaphors, it's quite early).

VivienneHolt · 24/07/2019 06:54

He’s obviously entitled to sleep with whoever he wants (within reason...) but it was inevitably going to cause massive upset, and it’s unsurprising he feels guilty. That said, there will be another drama soon and it will blow over so I wouldn’t waste too much time worrying about it.

MarieFromStTropez · 24/07/2019 06:54

Well I think, good for him! Why shouldn't he sleep with whomever he wishes? He did nothing wrong.

As for your involvement, I think you sound like a great mum and he is lucky to have someone to confide in. I hope that my DS will feel he can come to me with problems when he gets older.

herculepoirot2 · 24/07/2019 06:58

He can sleep with whoever he likes, but he can’t do so and expect to continue his relationships like he didn’t. If it upsets someone, it upsets them.

Twotinydictators · 24/07/2019 07:10

I would have thought most people would think your DS coming to talk to you about these things aged 21 was absolutely lovely. I certainly hope my DS feels he can chat to me about this stuff in the future. I'll be there to listen whenever he needs me.

I guess the over-involved bit is mulling it over to the extent that you post online for advice. Young relationships are messy, that's life! Of course give him advice when he asks but for something low level like this you'd not expect it to trouble you this much as a parent that you need advice on it. Its just a bit OTT.

Lola999 · 24/07/2019 08:23

It's not OTT
Her son's cut up about it and giving himself a hard time
Hence of course it's troubling her. Who wants to see their son in pain and blaming himself.

likeafishneedsabike · 24/07/2019 09:23

I can see I’m going against the grain here, but I do find the idea of mums being involved in the love lives of 21 year olds really cringy. My mum consoled me when I was dumped at 15, but after that all the emotional support came from within close friendship groups.

ConkerGame · 24/07/2019 09:57

He really needs to cut ties with the ex. She’s messing with his emotions, stringing him along. I think it’s right that she’s mad with her friend for sleeping with her ex, but she has absolutely no say in who a guy she has dumped now sleeps with!

I think it’s sweet that your son is worried about upsetting her but really he now needs to stop caring about how she feels (not in an outwardly nasty way, just in a disconnecting way) as she clearly doesn’t care about his feelings at all!

Moonflower12 · 24/07/2019 10:58

I'm obviously 'over involved' too then as I talk to my son about all of his life too. He's 22.
I also talk to both my grown up daughters so why the gender gap?

Pennyandthejets · 24/07/2019 11:00

You sound like a lovely mum. It's great that he can talk to you about this.

Eve · 24/07/2019 11:03

What a great relationship you have with your son - I hope you are very proud of that.

Pinktinker · 24/07/2019 11:51

I don’t think his ex is a nice person at all. She was stringing him along and loving the attention/ego boost. He shouldn’t have told her about the friend but never mind, he needs to block the ex now and have done with it.

It’s hard losing your first love but most of us experience it, it’s rare to marry and spend forever with them.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 24/07/2019 11:59

I don't get the 'rule' about not sleeping with a friend of an ex. Why the hell not? It's not like he's cheating, or betraying some sort of loyalty.
They're all adults, they can sleep with whom they choose. It's not a value judgement, or revenge, or two-faced, it's just sleeping with someone you fancy.
Ex needs to get over it, and he needs a clean break.
I think it's great he wants advice from his mum - good for you for having such a good relationship.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 17:42

@Ihaventgottimeforthis

I agree about the “rules”.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 24/07/2019 20:35

There are a lot of threads on mumsnet about mummy’s boys. Is nt this where it starts ? Over sharing and over invested in each other’s life’s.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 20:41

@Northernparent68

What a horrible comment Sad

He can’t speak to his father because he hardly has anything to do with him even though he lives 2 miles away.

He is an independent young man who lives independently from me in his own flat but we text most days and he pops in for a chat when he needs someone to talk to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/07/2019 20:42

He has also had periods of depression which I have supported him through, and I am acutely aware that the biggest killer of men under 50 is suicide and I am eager for none of my children to be part of that statistic.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 24/07/2019 21:02

Today 20:35Northernparent68

There are a lot of threads on mumsnet about mummy’s boys. Is nt this where it starts ? Over sharing and over invested in each other’s life’s.

ODFOD with your shitty comment.This absolute double standard where it's fine for girls to talk to their mothers but if a boy/man does it he's a mummy boy really pisses me off.

Op, yanbu and you are absolutely not over invested or over stepping or any of the other bollocks some posters on here have accused you of. You and your ds have a relationship to be proud of.