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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Having children- what would you do differently?

118 replies

putthetellyon · 23/07/2019 16:44

Aibu to wonder what you would do differently if you had your time with your children again? Another thread got me wondering...

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 23/07/2019 16:51

Not much, and that doesn't mean we got it all right, just that I know why we made the decisions we made and they were valid enough at the time.

My biggest regret is not having a second child but every time I look at the circumstances again I have to admit it was probably the right decision overall.

EssentialHummus · 23/07/2019 16:52

DD is only a toddler but - buy more second hand.

Digestive28 · 23/07/2019 16:53

Probably just chill out a bit when they are small. Decisions about how you feed them, toilet them, discipline, slew etc seem huge but reality is it doesn’t matter. I spent a fortune and mass of energy trying to fix various things they naturally grew out of

withinacceptabletolerances · 23/07/2019 17:13

To be brutally honest; I would be nicer, gentler and more understanding with DS1. It's not until we had DS2 that I realised we'd been too harsh and expected too much if him. It's a bitter regret that is taking some undoing now he's nearly 6.

Cantbebotheredtogotobed · 23/07/2019 17:21

Stressed less. Told my mother to butt out more, seeing as she was perpetually "shocked" and "horrified" by perfectly normal decisions that I made regarding my baby.

Original poster
putthetellyon · 23/07/2019 17:23

To be brutally honest; I would be nicer, gentler and more understanding with DS1. It's not until we had DS2 that I realised we'd been too harsh and expected too much if him. It's a bitter regret that is taking some undoing now he's nearly 6.

This is interesting, How has this manifested itself if he's only 6?

OP posts:
withinacceptabletolerances · 23/07/2019 17:43

@putthetellon I'm not convinced it's completely our fault, but he's quite anxious and angry - particularly if he thinks he's in trouble. When we take a gentler, more positive approach, he responds much better. No idea how much is down to our early parenting but I don't think we helped. The guilt I feel about it is awful.

BrioLover · 23/07/2019 20:00

I'd have waited a couple of years and bought a house that would have fit all of us in first, and then tried for a baby. Now our mortgage size is curtailed by childcare and it's a bit stressful living in a smaller space than we need, especially as DS1 has ASD.

And I'd also be kinder and more patient with DS1. I didn't realise he has ASD. I was the first of any of my peers to have children and frankly had no clue. Like a PP, he is also 6 and quite angry/anxious, but responding to him differently is helping a lot.

I do love being a parent though, and I'm happy that they will be teens when I am in my 40s as I had older parents and really notice it now as my mum is dead and my dad is 72 already.

Malyshek · 23/07/2019 20:03

I would have read up more on what to do. Also, been more careful about picking a nanny. And spent more time with him when he was really small.

Walkerbean16 · 23/07/2019 20:40

Had less of them Shock

Stoptheworldpleasethankyou · 23/07/2019 20:43

Not eat for five when pregnant. Stopped at two or had less of an age gap. Give less fucks about what other people though.

Toombumber · 23/07/2019 20:43

I'd have waited to find an amazing man (like the one I later found) who was really really up for it instead of jumping on the first one who said OK because of my bodyclock and the notion that I didn't really need anyone anyhow.

HypatiaCade · 23/07/2019 20:47

Go back to work.... I didn't and am totally screwed now.

EmrysAtticus · 23/07/2019 20:47

The only thing I would want to change is the PND but obviously that was out of my control! Once that passed I think I have been a pretty good parent (DS is only 3.5 so years left to make mistakes though Grin). I wish I could have more but I can't risk the PND returning :(

MarthasGinYard · 23/07/2019 20:48

Started slightly younger

SariaSun · 23/07/2019 20:52

I’d have definitely gone NC with critical family member a lot sooner. Really stressed me out for years and looking back did a lot to hold me back confidence wise regarding parenting.

Id relax more and trust my parenting more - and be able to enjoy those earlier years a bit better I think.

MamaLazarou · 23/07/2019 20:54

I'd start much earlier to increase my chance of having more than one. I didn't realise it would take so long to get pregnant, and that there would be losses.

Parenting wise, I would do everything the same. My lad is turning out just right.

Monestasi · 23/07/2019 21:00

Have them with a kinder man.

Crispyturtle · 23/07/2019 21:02

I wouldn’t have wasted so much time trying to get DD1 to sleep in a cot, I bitterly regret not just cuddling her and lying down with her when that was so obviously what she needed. It would have made both our lives so much easier.
I’ve done things very differently with DD2 and honestly it’s the honour of my life to just lie down and cuddle her til she’s asleep, bedtime is a breeze and I’m much less stressed.

AnyOldPrion · 23/07/2019 21:03

Left my husband as soon as he started to be an asshole...

beccarocksbaby · 23/07/2019 21:10

Leave my ex a lot earlier.

Tiredtessy · 23/07/2019 21:12

My DS dad is a tad useless and we aren’t together but my DS has good traits of him such as how laid back he is and loves our horrible cat! But I regret being mean when he was so young, he was hard work and I wasn’t in a great place but I wish I had just enjoyed it, not got angry at getting. Up at 5 and just been more understanding, I’m an absolute walk over now 🤣

MissB83 · 23/07/2019 21:13

Choose a father who wasn't a complete waste of space (to be fair DS was a happy accident so his father wasn't chosen but it isn't an ideal situation).

KittyVonCatsworth · 23/07/2019 21:18

@withinacceptabletolerances I completely share your sentiments. I didn't have a 2nd as I was a young, single mum when my DD was 3 months old so there was a lot of, what I thought was hidden resentment, and I know I could've been more tolerant and patient. My DD is 23 now and we discuss quite openly the struggles on both sides and we're closer than ever.

Dieu · 23/07/2019 21:21

Not do it in the first place!! Only joking. Kind of Grin

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