Having children- what would you do differently?

[putthetellyon]

Aibu to wonder what you would do differently if you had your time with your children again? Another thread got me wondering...

@Emrys I've got one and not having anymore due to pnd it's too awful a thing to risk for me

Been a bit older. Waited for the right man. When I discovered that the first man was the wrong man not rushed on to the next one. Put them first. Enjoyed them more and had less of a temper.
Ds1 and ds2 are definitely getting a better version of me now, but it’s taken so long to get to a place where I feel I’m a good mum.

Not gone to NCT
Paid for elective caesars
Had more
Believed older ladies who kept telling me: enjoy it, it goes so fast
I used to think, 'Enjoy? You have no idea how bored and exhausted I am!'
But they were so right, it goes so fast
I wish I could do it again, they were so lovely and now they are in their 20s and think I am a twat

If we’d known Brexit was coming, we’d have registered the children with both our surnames. They’re entitled to both British and Euro passports but it’ll need a name change and some monstrous bureaucracy to fix. Didn’t imagine at the time that it would be necessary, so went for the most straightforward option.

I would have co-slept from the beginning and not even tried to put them in their own cot till they were a year. I would have kept them downstairs in the evenings with the lights low and fed them/cuddled them to sleep for hours in front of the TV and kept my sanity.

I would have learned how to hand express and spent less time (and money) on pumping for DD (all that faff for what boiled down to a few feeds here and there, had much more frozen than I ever really needed).

On the same topic, you could try every bottle/teat in the world for ebm feeds and none will work as promised. So save your money and only buy a few of the cheapest ones. They'll be unimpressed regardless.

Stop buying as many clothes when they go to school and have school uniform - that's only 2 days out of 7 you need to cover and they're less messy by that age too.

Play pens are pointless - wailing, immediate attempts to break out of it. Only useful as a giant toy box.

Not worked so much. I missed lots of sports days and assemblies and now my 2nd is in Y5 and I'm never getting those years back.

And I know parents have to work and all that but I'm a childminder and have always put my reliability to to my mindees first.

That means I have a great local reputation but missed a lot of my own kids in the meantime.

@Badwifey yes yes yes that's exactly what I was trying to write. Why did I expect him to think like me? He was so tiny. Oh goodness regret is an awful emotion.

If we’d known Brexit was coming
Good point. I'd have gone to NI to give birth so my children could have Irish passports.

I wish I hadn’t beaten myself up about breastfeeding so much. It wasn’t working. I should’ve thrown in the towel earlier rather than almost driving myself into depression.

I also wish I had more self belief in that I should’ve just gone with my gut more in regards to my decisions rather than allow myself to feel insecure by parenting fads and other parents.

Tonight ? Not done it

I should have understood how challenging parenthood would be for DH and helped him along more kindly. He is a great parent now but much more support and gentle guidance would have been helpful to someone who grew up without a family. Three years of sleep deprivation robbed me of the resources to help him

I wish I’d had them 10 years later
I really wish I’d told my narc mother who thought she got to make every decision for them or they’d end up dead/in prison to just fuck off
I wish I’d kept them away from my toxic puddle of a family instead of thinking they had a right to know my side of the fam
I wish I’d just chilled and let the smaller stuff go-just go with the flow

Oh.. annoying. Lost my post.

Essentially: worry less about the megalomanic middle class noughties obsession around shaping children and turning them into these perfect little adults. They are their own people and the real wonder is in seeing them for what they are.

I foresee a huge rebalancing of nature and nurture a-coming.

Nothing, and not because I think I’m clever, perfect or Parent of the Century (I’m definitely not) but all the choices we made were the right ones for us and DS at the time.

A bit more money would have been nice though

wothinacceptabletolerances I'm really interested what you mean about expecting too much of your DS1? I'm wondering if I'm doing the same with mine who is currently 3.7...

I wouldn't have left it so late to start trying. I was 34 the first time I was pregnant but we had six miscarriages and I was four months off turning 40 when DD was born, then went through an early menopause when she was 18 months. We really wanted another one but it didn't happen. Though we are very happy and very lucky to have DD.

withinacceptabletolerances sorry, misspelled your username - see my comment above

I don't think I'd do much differently. That sounds smug, and I'm really not, but they're great as they are and doing things very differently would have made them different, too.

I'd have let more stuff go; I used to bust a gut to make sure the house was lovely and keep on top of everything when the DC were very small and looking back, nobody gave a shit about any of it apart from me.

I'd have taken a longer maternity leave with DS1. He was 5 months old when I went back to work and looking back I should absolutely have taken longer off with him.

Started earlier even though I wasn’t in a relationship that would have made that possible really so there’s little point in regret.

I was a shade under 38 when I had DD and worry that I worry be around to help her when she has children. Think that’s a time when you really want and need your mum 😢

I would have been much more careful about choosing their father.🙄

I had PND and I do sometimes think my DD picked up on it and I feel bad.
There were points where I couldn’t cope-DD was always very full on, a poor sleeper and on the go constantly. Meanwhile I was a perfectionist who thought she should be doing everything plus have a child who pushes a wooden toy around and sits nicely.
I should’ve just parented the child I had rather than try to make her into something I thought she was meant to be.
However, one upshot of the PND is that I am like the anti-perfectionist now! Perfectionism is such a curse

@confusedandworried321 I think she meant that she expected him to behave like a well rounded adult.

From my own experience... I expected my dd to be perfect. No spillage, no gross behaviour, perfect sleeper, no tantrums etc.
I forgot that these are things that come with age and experience. I'm a bit of a tidy freak and it's only in the last year I've allowed the untidyness to become the norm. I expected a Stepford life... perfect wife, perfect child, perfect home.

I looked to social media and help books and articles and tried desperately to create this ideal life and child which I know know is just not realistic.

I still lose my shit sometimes but by God have I learned. I hope it's not too late and I hope I haven't caused long term damage with her.

Children are to be enjoyed and loved and tolerated and we as people need to start trusting our gut again and not rely so heavily on what the internet tells us we should and shouldn't do.