To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

ASKING FOR money is tacky.

Why? Presuming it’s done politely obviously.

Is a list ok? Why’s that ok?

Is the expectation of a silver frame/toaster ok? Then what’s different about money?

And sorry to piss over your little theory, but no we didn’t ask for money, in fact didnt even have a list.

tell guests that you only want their presence, not presents (this was the wording one friend used

Except this doesn’t work either. Because apparently it’s also the “British Culture” that you absolutely must bring a gift to a wedding.

My best friend did the presence not presents line in her invitations, she still ended up with a room full of expensive tat she neither wanted or needed.

every wedding I have ever been to have asked for cash / contribution to honeymoon!

I don't know anyone who is offended by this in RL

@Iamthewombat Fair enough (I don't find it tacky but I accept that you do). Do you find a traditional list tacky also?

Because apparently it’s also the “British Culture” that you absolutely must bring a gift to a wedding.

I don't know any country in the world where you wouldn't bring a gift to a wedding. Or a party. Or dinner.

Yabbers do tell us WHERE it's not cultural to do so!

If anyone thinks that £100 is miserly, then that's their problem.

It seems like the only polite thing to do is absolutely not mention gifts on the invitation. Because despite it being ingrained in British culture that you 'must take a gift to a wedding' we must studiously ignore this fact unless pressed.

Then when the inevitable requests for the gift list roll in, you then have to think of a wide range of gifts to suit all budgets, which when you have had your own house for a while is pretty much impossible, because you genuinely don't want or need anything, especially if you've combined two households along the way.

So say that 'honestly, no gifts are required' and people still bring a load of tat and you end up with a pile of photo frames and glasses that end up in the charity shop because people would rather either spend a tenner on a photo frame and kid themselves that the recipient thinks it is more expensive, or waste much more on an expensive one, because they have this misguided notion that everyone wants to fill their home with glasses and photo frames, seemingly ignorant of the fact that anyone older than about 25 is likely to have more of these items than they could ever need, unless they are a voracious declutterer.

Many other nationalities do this so much better, and just give cash and everyone knows that's the deal.

@LaurieMarlow Well I feel very confident that in the examples I gave the recipients were not just being gracious and genuinely loved them. Sometimes I can't think of anything and don't want to waste my time or money so I do give cash if they have no list.

The vehemence of the pro-asking for money lobby makes me think that quite a few posters have asked for money from wedding guests and can’t deal with the fact that not everybody is ok with it.

They are not asking for cash for the sake of cash, they are asking for a honeymoon... again, why does it matter if you give towards a trip or a couple of plates? WHY?

I have a very traditional gift list - think John Lewis kind of thing, people were so generous we ended up with new sofas among other things. It would have been exactly the same to set up a honeymoon fund - we would have spent the exact same amounts but bought sofas ourselves.

It sounds like many posters must have had a crappy honeymoon and are really resentful that a couple has selected to go for a luxury dream, whatever they chose.

Au contraire, anybody can ‘go for a luxury dream’ if they wish. Asking your wedding guests to find it, however, is tacky.

Sorry, FUND it!

I suppose if you ask for John Lewis vouchers under the pretence of wanting new sofas or other etiquette approved household items, you could spend them on your normal grocery shopping in Waitrose and then repurpose the money you would have spent on that on a honeymoon and everyone is happy.

Always give £40 at weddings, all friends have the same agreement so we really just move the same £40 around in different cards. I haven't had a wedding yet, I wouldn't want physical gifts as I have a teeny tiny house and don't want the clutter, money or nothing. I would just ask for nothing as I am used to being a mug and don't want to see impolite.

I must have had MNetters at my wedding, because people were not generous! In spite of a John Lewis wedding list with lots of extremely reasonable items on there (eg £6!) I still received from family groups a candle or a photo frame. Of course I wrote gushing thank you letters, but I was still surprised that some people can really be so mean.

I can see that a request for money must really set some people's heads spinning. If their usual gift is precisely £0 (as it has been sourced from the back of the stairs cupboard) the thought of ponying up £50, or - horrors- £100, must make them physically ill.

I can see where you're coming from. I don't think people should expect any gifts from anyone. Fair enough to ask for specific gifts if you're a young couple, have nothing and are just starting out but I think it would be cheeky to assume and expect to be given the gifts. People usually spend a lot of money just to attend a wedding. Outfit, travel, accommodation, drinks etc. When we got married we didn't put anything about gifts in the invite. When people asked us what we wanted we told them we didn't need anything and just wanted everyone to come along and enjoy themselves (we were being serious btw). We weren't a young couple just starting out. Both had good jobs and a house already. I feel quite uncomfortable with receiving gifts (more than happy to give though!).

I'd be happy to just give them the money tbh. The amount would vary though on how much of the wedding I was invited to. Obviously I'd give more if I was there the whole day.

If you feel strongly about not wanting to give money then you have the option not to go to the wedding and just send a card.

I can accept that people apparently do find it tacky but I really can't follow the logic as to why. Maybe there isn't a logical reason as to why it's just a gut instinct response?

On the basis that people will definitely buy gifts even if you don't want them to, what is acceptable to you @Iamthewombat?

I think @BarbaraofSeville had it to be honest! It's an oddly British mentality I think (although it seems to be dying out).

I’m still waiting to know which cultures don’t give wedding gifts??

Dm was horrified I had a wedding list. She stated there should be no list or requests, but if people phoned up to ask, she should be ready with a suggestion along the lines of "Irma would love a vase". She clearly also said, "Irma would love some old dusty glasses if you have any festering at the back of your cocktail cabinet."

@IrmaFayLear this made me chuckle. I see what you mean. My friend told me at Christmas that she had bought me a lovely bracelet. I didn't see much of her over Christmas so she didn't get around to giving me this bracelet. I saw it when we were opening our wedding gifts. It made me and DH laugh. I said it will look nice on him! I was just glad she had made the effort to travel to us so luckily it didn't bother us.

Here is what is acceptable to me, Sunshinegirl82, since you ask: allowing your guests to choose whether to give you a gift, and if so, what to give. Nothing will convince me that sending somebody a wedding invitation accompanied by a request for cash is anything other than toe-curling.

If your guests choose to gift you cash, that’s fine. Asking for cash isn’t.

I read a thread on MN once about wedding cash poems (the sort usually rhyming “...got” with “...savings pot”. A poster has suggested a poem in response. It went like this:

‘Thanks for your verse
(With your eyes on my purse)”

I still laugh about it now.

I’m still waiting to know which cultures don’t give wedding gifts??

me too!

Igotthemheavyboobs

unless they are exceptionally rude, your guests will offer you a wedding gift. You might as well direct them to something you want instead of receiving a flood of completely useless or unwanted gifts you neither want nor need.

You can suggest idea without writing the grabby poem, most of the brides and grooms manage in the real world

I really don't understand why gifting money is such an issue. People know that guests are going to bring gifts of some description. Not all will, likely, but a fair few. Does spending money on something the couple probably already has some how make you feel good about yourself? I gift money or vouchers for weddings if there is a shop in particular they would like to buy from.

I'm getting married next year. My save the dates have gone out, my invites say nothing about presents because I really couldn't care less, and yet nearly everyone on my guest list has asked about gift lists ect. What am I supposed to tell them exactly? They plan on showing up with something and I've been with my fiance for 12 years. We have what we need. What we don't have is money to go see the northern lights.

@Iamthewombat I'm completely convinced by your aversion to the idea! I'm just trying to understand why?

On the basis that it is generally accepted that people give gifts at a wedding, why is it so offensive to direct people to what you want? A gift list or a honeymoon donation request are pretty much the same thing? And surely it's just wasting people's hard earned cash as they shell out in things they think the B&G might want?

I don't know, I just want to spend my money on the most useful thing to the person. Much easier if they tell me what that is! Chance that I'll guess it is pretty remote!

I'm completely convinced by your aversion to the idea! I’m just trying to understand why

I suspect it’s just about cultural norms.

There’s no rational reason why.

Well British cultural norms, which stem from a time when weddings were between young couples with no money and no household goods are outdated and some people need to move with the times if they can't see this.

Unless the bride and groom are in this position, physical presents of the household variety are unlikely to be a suitable present unless they have specifically put such things on a gift list.