To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

This is one of my pet peeves on mumsnet.

It is not tacky or grabby to ask for/give money to a couple.

Most couples already live together and have their house sorted so they don’t require anything else.

We asked for money for our honeymoon and I don’t know whether we had some of the mumsnet people on there or not but a few gave us gifts- wine glasses/small plates, it was kind of them but we havent used them once, they are still in their boxes in our cupboards somewhere.

We had a great time on our honeymoon though! 🙂

Just donate to charity/ their local charity shop - after all, that’s where it will most probably be going...

The thoughtful gifts I have chosen for some friends really are that, and not tat. They're for friends/family I know very well and I've put a lot of thought and, in some cases, vast amounts of time, to get them a fab gift

These can spectacularly misfire. See a million threads on MN about home-made food. I have been caught out. I bought someone for a landmark birthday a first edition of a pertinent book - hard to find and cost quite a bit. The recipient held it between thumb and forefinger and afterwards was heard to remark that they were astonished I'd given them something from a charity shop . My attempted explanations about it fell on deaf ears.

These threads and the sweeping generalisations always amuse me.

I got a couple of photo frames, thought ‘lovely’ and put some photos in them. Still on the shelf.

I got some bubbly, thought ‘lovely’ and enjoyed it with my family.

I got some vouchers, thought ‘lovely’, spent them on something specific, told the giver when thanking them.

I got some homeware (including a toaster) from a gift list. I thought ‘lovely’, and as they are things I wanted, I am still using them. Prior to this, we had Ikea/charity shop stuff which wasn’t brilliant.

I got some espresso cups I have never used. I still really like them.

On honeymoon money, I would just give some. It’s annoying in the circumstances but I would just do it and not think about it.

The thoughtful gifts I have chosen for some friends really are that, and not tat

You’re not in any position to judge that I’m afraid

Well I got three wine decanters, which we’ve never used.

We have a tiny house, so really struggle to store stuff. I didn’t give them to a charity shop, because I feel bad about doing that, so they’re there, cluttering, gathering dust and every time I look at them I feel bad that people wasted their money like that.

Id leave my superficial friends to pay for their own honey moon. At least they both sound similar to each other and a good match lol

I don't get this hate towards having money instead of physical gift
Neither do I. Sling them a couple of twenties.

Just to make you all combust

I give you the Greek money dance

Thousands very often collected which is sometimes put towards the wedding if the family aren’t well off. And make no mistake there will be a full on wedding however rich/poor the family. And no evening reception or pay bar.

Meh, people generally don't need the traditional gifts anymore as they have all their homeware. I'd rather contribute to the honeymoon than to loads of unneeded tat

I'm of the age where my friends are starting to get married, they've all asked for cash and I have happily given it.

With the exception of one who had the most ridiculous gift registry.. I still judge them about it now.

Can't wait for the tradition of kettle and photo frame buying to die out completely.

Just give cash! £100 minimum

I don’t understand why if you’re willing to spend money you wouldn’t spend towards something they actually want?

By the time we got married, we had lived together for 4 years. We didn’t need towels or a toaster. We just said that we didn’t need any presents, but if people wanted to, these were the list of activities we were planning to try on honeymoon so people could book boat trips or bottles of sun cream etc. Most things on the list were about £10-20.

@LottieLucie I'm glad you've been able to find some like minded people to hang out with.

I've genuinely never met anyone in real life who seemed so personally aggrieved and angry as some people seem to about these things. That said, I like to think I'm a fairly laid back generous person and I prefer to find the joy in a wedding wherever possible. Birds of a feather and all that I guess!

My mum insisted we didn't just ask for cash, so we asked for cash ideally, but if not we had a small JL gift lift. JL insisted that you accepted gift vouchers and a number of people gave us those despite us not really wanting them in the first place.

What really did surprise me at the time was the difference in what people gave as monetary gifts. Some of our friends were overly generous and others who could easily afford to be weren't. At the end of the day, I think different people have different attitudes to money it doesn't really matter. One couple who were short on funds gave us some flower seeds collected from their garden, which was a nice present. It might sound cliched, but honestly, the hosts probably would prefer your company and if possible a small contribution to the meal, but even this isn't the end of the world.

That's what I don't understand Fenella, the mentality that people won't give money, but would rather go to the effort of buying the couple an item that they know they don't want.

LauraMJ
£100 minimum? Says who?

It is interesting the way some people cling on to certain attitudes about presents. We tend to see the same sort of thing on Christmas gift threads. The idea that some people just feel they already have enough stuff and wouldn't welcome any more, however thoughtful and wonderful you feel your taste is and however much you enjoy doing it, does not compute in many cases. Our living space is shrinking by generation and many of us are trying to minimise the things we waste, but perish the thought that people might actually be expected to take this into consideration.

We got married for the second time last year and didn't need any traditional wedding gifts. We didn't expect everyone to contribute but for those who did we asked for US dollars for our honeymoon. No one seemed offended by this. If you were going to spend £x on a gift anyway I don't know why you're offended by giving them cash. It costs you the same.

@LaurieMarlow yes I am as these are people very close to me. If I can't think of anything I default to cash so only choose gifts I know will be appreciated.

I restore old photos and did this for one friend (with the help of her husband) for some old family photos. I framed the one of her grandparents' wedding to wrap and she loves it and tells me often. Another couple we go camping with a few times a year, we have a very specific, custom made piece of equipment that they have always commented on, and borrowed when we are not together, so we commissioned one for them. Not many people would have use for it but I knew they would. I got another couple a game they wanted and couldn't get hold of (had to get my brother to buy it when visiting the country it's made in and bring it back!).

@IrmaFayLear that's awful! My daughter was given a beautiful old book. She knows why she's not allowed it on her own book shelf yet and we get it down often to look at together.

If I'm going to a wedding for the full day then I would give about £100 (as a couple) or £50 solo.

I think you're being far too judgy. If they want money towards their honeymoon, who cares. They probably don't need traditional gifts so why not give something they want.

yes I am as these are people very close to me

You can’t ever know for sure. No matter how much you want to think that.

I’m always very gracious and thankful for gifts as that’s polite.

@HorridHenrysNits I agree.

There is also to my mind a difference in approach to the purpose of giving a gift for some people. For me, the gift is all about the recipient, it's not for my benefit at all. If I want to spend money for my own benefit I'll buy something for myself.

With that in mind I'll always get what is asked for on the basis that it's what the recipient most wants, even if I don't like it or think it's a waste of money or whatever. It's not for my benefit.

Others seem to take the view that giving a gift is as much for the person buying the gift as the person receiving it and so it has to be something "approved" by the buyer. Most of the time it's probably fine, I'm sure most gifts are well received whatever they are but it's an odd attitude to have in my view. In comes across as quite selfish.

Sigh.

GIVING money is not tacky.

ASKING FOR money is tacky.

Have we all got that now?

Try not to conflate ‘finding requests for money tacky’ with ‘being tight and grudging gifts to your friends’. They are not the same thing.

The vehemence of the pro-asking for money lobby makes me think that quite a few posters have asked for money from wedding guests and can’t deal with the fact that not everybody is ok with it.

For those who say, nobody in real life has ever told me that asking for money as a wedding gift is tacky: why do you think that is? Especially if you were the bride?

I think giving money is tricky. Feeling the need to give a round figure. We are going to a wedding soon. The couple both have well heels families and their own home. I appreciate that it costs a huge amount per guest to actually have us there but should I give £100 or is that miserly or should I give £200. At least when buying a gift the cost is not so obvious.