To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

It's a really odd attitude. Some people seem determined to attend weddings through gritted teeth even though they find the B&G to be "tacky" and "grabby". Then spend their money on something that will no doubt be politely received (with thank you card duly sent) but which isn't really wanted and will be shoved in a cupboard or given away. All the while congratulating themselves on how morally superior they are.

I can't see the fun in it personally.

I just got married. We said on the invitation that we didn't expect presents, but people were welcome to contribute to our honeymoon fund if they wanted to. We live in a small flat and have everything we need, so we really didn't want loads of clutter, no matter how thoughtful or well-meant.

That said, I was really surprised by how generous people were, to the point that it made me feel a bit uncomfortable - lots of people gave £100 or more, when I'd genuinely thought they would give £20-40. It's opened my eyes and I feel I've probably been stingy with wedding gifts myself in the past. Luckily we've got about eight weddings coming up this year, so I'll make sure DH and I up our generosity game!

How they spend their money is irrelevant really.

It's standard practice to take a gift of some sort...if you give the cash equivalent, it makes no difference to you.

@LottieLucie the cheapest thing to do is decline the invite. An email is usually fine these days, no need to fork out for a card and stamp! Won't be parted with any money then!

@thedayofthethreeMagnums I thought gift lists were suggestions. I do often buy from the list if it is a list of actual items rather than asking for money which doesn't take the couple long!

When I have bought gifts off list I am sure they will like them (just as our siblings were sure we'd like the ones the chose for us) as we know each other very well. Others wouldn't like them necessarily so there's no point worrying about what other people's opinion of the gifts is apart from the couple that receives it.

We always give cash now, whether asked for or not.
TBH it's just easier and nobody's going to stick it at the back of a cupboard or give it to a charity shop.

I don't know when I last saw an actual wedding list - must be ages ago now.

My niece and her husband didn't have a wedding list, but asked for contributions towards their honeymoon (they had bought a house together a couple of years beforehand, so had all the household stuff). However, they set up a dedicated account with the travel agent they booked through. I was quite happy to contribute to this and enjoyed the stunning photos afterwards.

Get them a voucher for a date together once they're back from their honeymoon - a meal or theatre?

We asked for contributions towards our honeymoon, but specific things were listed like cocktails for 2 or a candlelit dinner (but the company just transferred us the money) because we had everything we needed for our home.

We still got some random gifts that have never been used (espresso cups decorated with farmyard animals... for example)

My best friend and her husband got us tickets to go to a gig with them the following year, which was a great gift and something to look forward to

I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though

Please please don’t follow the staple mumsnet suggestion on this type thread of a nice photograph frame or Prosecco!

I’ll never understand these so called ‘friends’ who can’t bring themselves to give the person what they’d actually like.

You’re not really a friend frankly.

We need to rethink this idea of giving people tat they don’t want or need in the make of etiquette. It’s ridiculous. Dust gatherers and charity shop stock. Why is that a good idea?

It has no place in today’s world where people are rethinking their attitude to ‘stuff’ and trying to reduce waste.

As for speakouts game playing described upthread, how nasty. A total dick move.

I think asking for a voluntary contribution to honeymoon is a fantastic idea.

A friend did this, doing it like a gift list with a variety of excursions you could fund - eg visit elephant orphanage, go on snorkelling boat trip etc - and at a variety of prices.

And when it came to thank you notes, she included a picture of them doing the said activity

Please please don’t follow the staple mumsnet suggestion on this type thread of a nice photograph frame or Prosecco!

Yes please not the mumsnet patented silver frame. People do not want that kind of shite.

If you totally refuse to give cash or buy off a list then a bottle of fizz (or alternative booze the couple drink) would be the only acceptable alternative in my eyes, but that’s just me.

The last three weddings I went to I contributed to a honeymoon fund.

I can’t think of anything nicer. Helping my friends go on the holiday of a lifetime. Amazing.

Yes, for some cultures is is traditional to give money. In Britain it is not. That is one of the many reasons why asking for money is tacky. If you don’t need things, like a toaster, tell guests that you only want their presence, not presents (this was the wording one friend used, which I liked)

In my culture- London, English- it is not considered tacky to give money

Laurie - at least Prosecco can be regifted

at least Prosecco can be regifted

Exactly

I don't understand the reasoning.

MN hate the idea of doing a favour to people, and cannot tolerate people given lifts or favours who do not offer money in return.
Let's not even mention the CF who would dare turning up at a diner or party empty handed!

It would all kind of make sense, BUT on the other hand giving a gift the couple wants for their wedding is outrageous.

You can't have it both ways!

Why on earth would you not use the gift list - items or honeymoon fund - if there is one?!

People don't like giving money because you can see what you've spent. You also have to surreptitiously put out enquiries to find out what the going rate is, as you don't want to be considered stingy or to give way too much.

How much cheaper to look in the back of the cupboard, spy an old candle/photo frame and put it with an Aldi bottle of Prosecco. Job done! Await gushing thank you letter.

I was surprised at some of the stingy presents at my wedding. It was quite hurtful. I wasn't about the money, if that makes sense, but the fact that people (well off people!) honestly thought it reasonable to give one hand towel or, yes, the scented candle of no known origin. I imagine these people would have combusted if asked for actual hard cash.

@Sunshinegirl82 no need, my friends aren't arseholes so I don't have to worry about this sort of entitled greed.

If you are giving a gift, why not give money if you've no idea what actual present they'd like?

Unless there's a gift list i always go with money, you can never be sure what some people's tastes are and even if you know your friends, that doesn't mean you know their spouses. My aunt always gets me what she calls 'lovely touches'. Little signs, bath words like soak etc (can't stand and neither can dh) and bath stuff i cant use due to eczema. I always tell her thank you but to save her money. She knows it's not to my taste and a waste of money as it's given to charity. She once went to buy a 10 quid one in front of me and i told her i had plenty and that the idea of clutting made me on edge (anxiety and ocd). She looked stumped and asked what could she buy me, we were all much happier with the big tub of Aptimil which fed my dc for a week!

I said money when asked for our wedding, some went on trips on the honeymoon, some on the delivery of food we booked for the day of our return, some was gifted to my friends married shortly after.

I'd rather give a useful gift i know the giver wants. I went off money twice, one not so successful as the photoframe was donated to charity (waste of money) and once successfully with a meal night out for the couple combined with an offer to babysit.

That is one of the many reasons why asking for money is tacky. If you don’t need things, like a toaster, tell guests that you only want their presence, not presents (this was the wording one friend used, which I liked)

they are not asking for cash, they are asking for contribution to a honeymoon. Absolutely no different than asking for contribution to buy a set of Le Creuset - you still send the cash, don't you?

I can't stand the "want presence not presents" - you know we have to send you a gift, even if you don't attend, it's a pain in the ass to figure what. No one will attend a wedding without bringing a gift (apart from a couple of the bitter MN posters, but that's a handful)

I'm a wedding avoider unless it's very close family and even then I might swerve a second wedding (depending on the people and the circumstances of the first marriage ending). But if I go, I'd give a generous-ish cash gift (£200 or so) and just leave as soon as I politely could.
For some people, other peoples weddings are a bit like other peoples babies- just not that interesting (and I genuinely hate large gatherings, loud music and drinking, so I'm no loss to any wedding!). But if I go, then I do so without grudging the cost or really thinking about how the money will be spent. Otherwise I just decline.

I'm sure you will go their wedding and drink the wine on the table, the champagne for the toast, enjoy the venue, dance to their band / playlist and eat the 3 course meal they put on for you quite happily... if you were that against their spending choices avoid the wedding

Yes, you should definitely give them a gift instead. They almost certainly have loads of stuff already, but no matter. Ideally something they cant regift or donate, for minimum usefulness

Tbh if you judge how they spend their mkney, should you be attending their wedding and spending more of it?

After all you or you and your OHs meals/toast drink will be paid for by them via the means that don't sit well with you. Surely if it's that abhorrent, stay home thus stopping their spending on you, and send a card.