To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

@LottieLucie I did my seven silver photo frames that I got for our 25th wedding anniversary.

If your guests choose to buy you a toaster, and you don’t want a toaster, tough luck. Sell it on eBay or give it to a charity shop. That’s preferable to begging for money.

Wow you really do not come under the banner "people pleaser"! I'll give you any shit I like and you will be grateful! Or appear to be whilst eye rolling at bats hit friend buying a crap toaster when you've already got a decent one!

@plasterboots that was a nice gesture!

I get it OP. I hate honeymoon funds/requests for money. Why? Because to me giving a gift is a voluntary gesture, involving choosing something you think the recipient will like or perhaps need.... not necessarily what they want.

This notion that you should always be giving people what they want just makes me think everyone is so entitled. You could choose something wonderful that they will cherish forever but had never even thought of.

You couldn't make this up!

On balance I think the majority agree asking for money is fine. On that basis (if I had my time again) I'd probably go with asking for the contribution and if it upset a few people so be it. I suspect I wouldn't naturally get on with people who feel that strongly about it anyway so perhaps better to annoy them than deal with the tide of toasters and photo frames!

It goes back to who you think present giving is for. It's clear from your posts Wombat that you feel gift giving is a two way street and that you (as the giver of the gift) therefore need to feel happy about/approve of the gift you're giving. If that is your perspective I can see why an expression of a preference for money "feels" wrong as it pretty much removes the givers role in the transaction.

For me, gift giving is all about the recipient. I don't really factor my own preferences into it. If they want cash, they'll get cash. If they want vouchers they'll get vouchers. If they want towels, they'll get towels. I'm not bothered about a thank you card either to be honest!

This notion that you should always be giving people what they want just makes me think everyone is so entitled. You could choose something wonderful that they will cherish forever but had never even thought of.

Like a vase or a photo frame? 🙄

Plaster boots: did you read the bit where I said, explicitly, that I don’t buy my friends toasters for wedding presents? Or does that not fit with your internal narrative of ‘everybody who thinks I’m tacky asking for money is a toaster gifting bastard’?

To be fair toasters and photo frames are illustrative examples. Could be anything really. Mr & Mrs mugs, personalised prints/cushions/tea towels, champagne, certificate holders, champagne glasses, espresso cups etc etc etc It's all stuff at the end of the day that you either have to store or give away.

YABU. I don’t really understand your issue. You say you want to give them a gift - what they are asking for is a gift. Why buy them something they don’t need or want?

@Iamthewombat did you read the bit about what's the difference with asking for a denby dinner service that they can't afford?

You have massively selective reading skills!

@Sunshinegirl82 have RTFH most of those highly predictable "thoughtful gifts have been acknowledged and you can only have so many sets of glasses, another poster said she had champagne five years later, you can't possible buy someone a print that you're 100% they will like unless they tell them.

I tell what would be a good idea so you don't waste time and money, have a list or ask for money.......

@Sunshinegirl82 just reread my post and it's come across like I'm arguing rather than agreeing with you!

I'm not I'm agreeing with you!

@plasterboots I'm with you! It's me who's still got the champagne!

@Sunshinegirl82 I posted again, after I reread my post! sorry!

@Sunshinegirl82 but the list thing would be a great idea, we should market it with people like John Lewis or Debenhams? Or we could right poems about giving us money?

@Iamthewombat - in my culture it’s not considered crass/rude whatever insults you are throwing around to give cash. And I’m finding it a bit offensive that you are thinking the British way is the only right way!

It's genius! Let's hit Dragon's Den!

GotToGoMyOwnWay, I agree with you. Giving money as a wedding gift is very sensible, especially as most people have a lot of 'things' already. The couple can spend it how they like.

As I’ve said several times, GIVING money is not crass. ASKING FOR money is crass.

Re the Denby dinner service that poor old Plasterboots is hoping will vindicate her: did you read the bit where I said, if you don’t need anything, don’t ask for anything?

Wanting, but not being able to afford, a Denby dinner service is not the same as needing a Denby dinner service. See?

To add - it is actually quite usual today to request cash rather than boxed gifts for a wedding, there's nothing tacky about it.

Well everyone going to a Greek wedding will know the couple are Doing the money dance as it’s traditionally written on the invitations if they are. So ok they are crass/common whatever for not following your cultural norms.

The poems thing really is interesting, don’t you think?

If there’s nothing to be embarrassed about vis a vis asking for money, why not just put “we would like money as a wedding present” in the invitation?

People never do though, do they? They slip in one of those godawful poems to coyly pretend that they aren’t begging for cash. Why? Because, deep down, they know that asking for money is tacky, for the reasons I have comprehensively explained.

Re the Denby dinner service that poor old Plasterboots is hoping will vindicate her: did you read the bit where I said, if you don’t need anything, don’t ask for anything?

WTF? Are you now saying no one should ask for anything and should just hope they don't get 20 toasters?

I thought it was only money gifts you objected about?

Did you live through rationing by any chance?