To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

@Iamthewombat why is it tacky?

However, to answer the question, just don’t ask for stuff. If you have enough house stuff, don’t ask for more and don’t ask for money.

If people choose to give you a gift, that’s up to them. It’s also their right to choose what to give you, not to be directed to make a bank transfer.

For the poster who wants to know why asking for money is tacky: I’ve explained it several times. Asking for money for yourself from friends and family is crass. Other posters have noted that British people traditionally avoid talking about money. Why do you think that is? Are/were they all jealous, entitled, hated their friends etc.? Or could it possibly be that talking about how much money you have, how much money you want or how you would like people to give you money is a bit, you know, crass?

Sigh. Here is a simpler example of why personalising an argument does not rebut it:

Person A: too many people drive to work instead of taking public transport and it’s bad for the environment.

Person B: I haven’t got a car. Ha! There, I’ve just rebutted your argument.

Except they haven’t, see?

So the reason why this doesn't work is because you are now giving an example of something that's a matter of fact, the environment point, and using it to try and make points about arguments over social mores that are a matter of opinion. Person B doesn't rebuff Person A here because, well, science. This is not true of social gift giving customs, where obviously there is a range of opinion and behaviour. This is even less valid a comparison than picking things that, though they don't involve adults having an event to celebrate something and getting presents from all guests, were at least some kind of event or occasion.

You dreadful cynic irmafaylear!

People don't usually ask for stuff until the people they invite them ask for a gift list.

The response is usually along the lines of 'no gifts required, presence not presents' to which the response from the invitee is then usually a Mrs Doyle type 'go on go on go on' insistence that they couldn't possibly not give a gift to which the panicked response from the bride and groom, eyeing overflowing kitchen cupboards and an abundance of picture frames and other knick knacks come up with the eminently sensible suggestion that if the guest insists, a contribution towards the honeymoon would be most welcome.

But for some reason that no rational person will ever understand, the guest then goes 'fuck you, you're having a picture frame, whether you like it or not'.

What IS acceptable practice for wedding gifts? Question aimed at all who think suggesting money is tacky?

Do you have a solution for people who end up with eg 30, 40 presents they don't know what to do with? Eg multiple espresso cup sets, multiple new towels / towels the bride and groom don't like and would never choose themselves, big paintings they have no room or desire to hang?

Do you think every old uni friend / odd uncle will suddenly have perfect insight into a gift you'd love for ever?

I get the view that it is tacky, but what is a better alternative? Is an Argos or John Lewis gift list better than asking for cold hard cash?

If people choose to give you a gift, that’s up to them.

If people say ‘we want to give you a gift, what would you like’?

And the answer to that is a contribution to a honeymoon, are you allowed to say that?

Or do you have to pretend to want a photo frame?

Or are you supposed to say nothing and wait for the inevitable photo frame to appear?

For the poster who wants to know why asking for money is tacky

You realise you haven’t answered the question right? Youve just replaced the word tacky with crass.

@Sunshinegirl82 good for you! That's your opinion not to find it unreasonable. I beg to differ. I don't really care whether you're glad I find weddings joyful or not.

I wish people would stop with this gift giving malarkey. I certainly have. I specifically stated 'no gifts please' on our wedding invite and generally either just give a card or very small token sum.

We asked for money for our honeymoon and I don’t know whether we had some of the mumsnet people on there or not but a few gave us gifts- wine glasses/small plates, it was kind of them but we havent used them once, they are still in their boxes in our cupboards somewhere.

Us too. 3 sets of champagne flutes given to us even though we are
known as non drinkers 🙄

The vehemence of the pro-asking for money lobby makes me think that quite a few posters have asked for money from wedding guests and can’t deal with the fact that not everybody is ok with it.

Our draft wedding invitation asked for no gifts of any kind. Everyone involved (including the lady doing the printing) was aghast that we would do such a thing because people just have to give something. So we changed it to sat we didn’t want anything at all. But if people felt they absolutely had to do something, here’s a link to the travel company for vouchers for our honeymoon. Seemingly people didn’t want to do that either and we got quite a few gifts, most of which were neither suitable nor particularly thoughtful.

People with your attitude, @Iamthewombat seem to think “oh they are being grabby, I won’t honour their request for no gift, nor will I give them the gift they have requested if people want to give gifts, I will go down to the local department store and spend 50 quid on a gift I know they don’t want, and have no idea if they actually need”

And yet you want to suggest it’s the bride and groom who are being rude?

You can have all the synonyms for tacky, crass and grabby that you like. You know exactly why I’ve used those words. You just don’t like them.

Somebody doesn’t like the choices you have made. Deal with it.

Agree with PP that the answer 'its tacky because its crass' is a complete non-answer

Firstly I'm not sure what crass means, is it basically lower class? If so then are the working classes allowed to do it but to gain a middle class badge you mustn't?

I'd love to read a proper analysis of what crass means and why it isn't just an outdated tradition type word

It’s the waste that I can’t understand.

Buying a gift that you know in your heart of hearts might end up in the bottom of a cupboard or donated to a charity shop.

Why would you do that?

That is funny. You have no idea what I give my friends when they get married.

I can tell you that none of them asked for money though.

This is the thread that keeps on giving. The class war lobby have joined in now.

Somebody doesn’t like the choices you have made. Deal with it.

I didn’t make that choice. For clarity. No gift registry either.

3 wine decanters, 3 vases and several photo frames later I kinda wish I had made it. What a waste.

Omg op seriously?

You might want to look up ‘rebut’ and ‘rebuff’ in a dictionary, by the way.

You can scoff all you want wombat, I don't understand the real meaning behind your point and I'm not the only one

I get the impression you're answering using tacky and crass as your gut reaction to how a request for money feels to you. Totally fair enough - I can't and won't argue with that. However I am interested to know if you understand what is beneath that gut feeling. If you don't want to answer me fine, but your getting really defensive which makes me wonder if you understand your feeling.

For the poster who wants to know why asking for money is tacky: I’ve explained it several times. Asking for money for yourself from friends and family is crass. Other posters have noted that British people traditionally avoid talking about money. Why do you think that is? Are/were they all jealous, entitled, hated their friends etc.? Or could it possibly be that talking about how much money you have, how much money you want or how you would like people to give you money is a bit, you know, crass?

Well that's doesn't answer anything 🙄!

@LottieLucie no, you probably don't.

This is one of the reasons why DP and I aren't married. Every year just about every Christmas present we receive, mostly from MIL and SIL, but from my relatives as well ends up cluttering up the cupboards until I can be arsed taking it to the charity shop, because I'm very much a 'no stuff please our house is overflowing' person and they're all 'how big a bag can I fill from Home Bargains' types. I refuse to give them another opportunity to foist crap on us.

The waste of money and resources just sickens me. Anyone who volunteers at charity shops always comments about how much stuff they cannot sell they get donated after Christmas, how over-run they are due to the popularity of Marie Kondo, and how many picture frames etc get donate.

It simply isn't necessary to take a gift if someone has explicitly said they do not want one and they probably won't see it as a nice gesture.

*That is funny. You have no idea what I give my friends when they get married.

I can tell you that none of them asked for money though.*

They probably did from the other guests.. and your photo frame is currently waiting to be sold at the local charity shop!

Do the people who think it is crass to give money think the same if the bride and groom are Indian, Greek or Irish?

If not, please explain why it is reasonable to treat people in different ways according to their nationality or their perception of the culture of a particular country?

If you want to give them a gift anyway but don't know what to give them why not just give them the money you were going to spend so they can put it towards their honeymoon? It's probably better than wasting money on something they don't want isn't it?