DD CAUGHT on tablet after bed time with??

[RRRplus1]

DD - 11, was allowed to stay up late tonight, when it came to her bed time, I took her to bed, she asked if she could go on her tablet for half an hour, I said no because I'd already let her stay up late.

DH went to check on our baby about 15 mins after she was taken to bed & he poked his head in her room and caught her on her tablet. I was nearby and heard him say "busted" and also heard her ask him not to tell me, he obviously did! She was in her room crying loudly.

DH wanted to go to her as he felt guilty that she got so upset and that he may have exacerbated the situation by loudly saying busted and potentially winding her up, he said, she was upset saying that I had said no, and now she was in trouble.

Was I unreasonable to ignore her crying, and not to go into her, but to call to her, to bring her tablet down and then go to bed. Not saying anything else about it?

And to ask, in the morning should I carry on as if nothing happened, or should the tablet be confiscated?

Just to add for context, I would never expect her to go on her tablet after bed time she is normally very good at doing what she is told and therefore wouldn't have thought to make sure it wasn't in her room, but maybe from now I should make sure it's out of her room at bed time.

I don't think comforting her when she's crying and upset should be linked in any way to the thing she did wrong; children push boundaries all the time and screw up. We can comfort them and work out a consequence if needs be without the comfort undermining the need for them to not repeat whatever it was they did.

I don't think I'd give any kind of punishment for this; she cried herself to sleep last night, that's enough. Give her a hug this morning and ask her to check with you next time if she wants to read at bedtime.

Mummy:

I didn't go to her, mainly because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, as she is usually very good, but i also didn't want her to feel like she had got away with doing something she had already been told no about so that's why I asked her to bring it down. I don't really know why she was so upset, as she's not really in trouble that much, (have been very lucky with her) so she wouldn't have anything to be scared of, but maybe the feeling of being caught, embarrassed and over tired, all mixed together.

Not sure how you got that the OP was upset with her from that.

I cant quite understand how I over reacted, when I didnt react at all, I think I'm guilty of under reacting by not going in for a cuddle as she was upset. I wouldn't say there are loads of rules at our house, I would say the opposite and maybe that's why she felt it wouldn't be a problem to go on the tablet after I had said no, because there actually wasn't a fear of consequence, just a reaction to her being unexpectedly caught knowing I had already said no. More of a shock of being caught? But definitely not because she is scared, we do have a very open-talk relationship, and she tells me more than I need to know, and I appreciate that very much.
In my eyes I had already put her to bed, I'm not sure why but she asks to be put to bed, so I still do this, and had already stayed up late, so I guess I just dealt with it like I would any other night she's up after bed time and that is to tell her to go back to bed. (Unless anything is actually wrong)

We are up quite early for school, so I think I've kept bed time early so she isn't sleepy the next day, but maybe I need to recognise she is growing up and review bed time now that she is older and sse how she goes, because she isnt going to straight to sleep anymore anyway. So it's probably become counter productive to have bed time so early. But I do fail to see what on earth a child could be watching on the telling at that of night, surely wouldn't be anything appropriate?

I think there is no need for a ban. I would have just said ‘hey, you are supposed to have turned that off’ and that would be the end of it.

Maybe allow her to stay on it a bit later as it is the holidays or read later instead. You were posting at 10.30 so all this happened before that.

@FudgeBrownie2019 She didnt cry herself to sleep, as I did say in my op that DH did go to her. As he felt he had upset her. Although I think his reaction was much better than I can imagine other parents going absolutely mad about it?

@herculepoirot2 & @BertieBotts

Thank you for your posts you seem to understand the situation from what I have written.

My apologies, I missed the part about DH going to her. Glad it's resolved now. I agree re the later bedtime thing; DS13 stays up later than I do some nights so I've given up putting him to bed at an early time simply because he used to just lie there muttering "I can't sleep" for three hours. So long as he is able to get up and be functional for school each morning I give him the freedom to choose his own bedtime, and most nights he aims for around 10.30 ish.

Your DH approach is right here - it was an interaction between then, so he went back to her when she was upset. No need for you to get in the mix, especially when she's calmed down.

All three of you have a sit down and agree some 'house rules' - including a later bedtime and tablet to be downstairs at a set time.

Bit of a big deal over nothing. I'm pretty strict, but all kids push the boundaries at times.

Normal parents wouldn't go absolutely mad over this op. Or at least I hope not. There will be many times in the next few years that will really test your parenting skills, don't use a sledgehammer to crack a nut in the early days!

@Mummyoflittledragon, I didn't look at it like this in the moment, and honestly I wasn't upset with her. I guess I'm still learning, she is my oldest and I didnt want to make a big deal about it, In hindsight I probably made a big deal by not going to her. And it wouldn't have even been a thing if I hadn't already said no. And I think that's where it was cheeky, because she had already stayed up later (although my late is apparently everyone else's normal bed time) and she asked to go on it and I said no already.

7 is very early- doesn’t that restrict your time with her in the evenings?

Mine needs lots of sleep but can have long lie ins during the holidays so hasn’t been asleep before 11.

School nights it’s about 9-10. Up 7.30.

Mine is pretty much glued to her iPad much to my dismay but I think it’s like me watching lots of tv at her age-she doesn’t really watch tv.

I think you had a huge over reaction to what is normal behaviour.

Bursting into tears sounds like puberty hitting, maybe you need to be more aware of her hormonal state, 11 is a difficult age for a girl.

Have you had a look though her tablet to see what she was doing? Unsupervised access to YouTube or social media apps would worry me. You can check what she's been watching under the Library -> History in the app.

7pm does seem rather early for her age so I could understand her being unable to sleep, but that reaction does seem a bit over the top.

Mine needs lots of sleep but can have long lie ins during the holidays so hasn’t been asleep before 11.

Thank god, I was reading this thread and thinking am I the only one who doesn't send my 11yr old to bed before 9 in the holidays! As long as she's up before 10am, I'm pretty lax when she doesn't have to get up for school.

If I tried sending her to bed at 7, holidays or not, there is no way she would sleep. My 3yr old stays up later than that.

Anyway, would agree it's normal boundary pushing and if you don't want her to be on her tablet, don't have it in her room or put a lock on it.

@FlaviaAlbia

I haven't looked through the history, no. I've never thought to, as I didnt think she would search anything untoward. Should I really look through her history?

Yes, I've come to the realisation that 7pm is too early for week nights, she wasn't going to bed a 7pm last night it was around half 9/10 when this happened. I was a young mum and I dont have many/any friends with children the same age as my daughter plus no family, I have friends with children the same age as my youngest (8months) so I do find it hard to get advice on what's best for children her age.

Mine have screen time set up on their iPads so they stop working after a certain time of night - cuts out all the arguing and pleading for 5 more minutes.

I'm fairly laid back about technology but I do insist on youtube in the living room so I can keep an eye and ear on what they're watching - I don't trust their recommendation algorithm one iota.

Well, I would argue that yes you should. After all, I doubt you'd give her unsupervised access to any other kind of media like films or magazines or let her potentially form relationships with someone you don't know without vetting them.

The internet is not a safe place and there's a lot of unsuitable stuff on YouTube. She may not ever intend to seek it out but it's not that hard to come across it. And that's not even covering tumblr and Instagram.

“I regard tablets in exactly the same way. We have "family" tablets available which DS can use occasionally, there are rules etc about when and as it's not "his" tablet it can be removed easily & he does not have constant access.

I don't see any reason for a child to have a phone of their own until they are travelling to school alone on a daily basis. Even then we will have a "Phone bed" box downstairs and all phones will be going in before bed time.”

Sounds more like a prison than a loving home.

7pm for an 11 year old is absolutely ridiculous, especially in the summer holiday. No wonder she was so upset, she must be absolutely fuming and frustrated beyond belief.

Have a look at this link. You need to get up to speed with the online world sharpish.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/

Sorry, I know that sounds dramatic or fear mongering, but better to be aware how easy it is to fall into something she's not old enough to handle.

For instance, if she likes reading and fan fiction, there's a lot of adult material out there written about children's books she could come across without being mature enough to handle it

the poor kid. 7pm ?

My 7 year old is awake until it gets dark these nights, it's Summer time, let the poor kid live a little.

We're practically archaic in our tablet and tech usage. Our kids (age 8 and 10) only have them at the weekends and will not be having mobiles until they go into secondary school. Personally, I think the longer you can do without, the better. We already have a rule that there is no tech in the bedrooms. They are not the same as reading in bed for all those saying that, there is a lot of research that shows the correlation between tablet usage and poor sleep, plus you are not focussed on one thing which is likely to make you feel sleepy, it totally engages the brain, plus the safety aspect.

And OP I don't think you overreacted or underreacted. I would have been disappointed with this as well. It is a completely contradiction to what you asked her to do so you did well not to react at all, I think.

If it were me, I'd definitely have a 24 hour ban, but I see that is a very unpopular view on here. There has to be some consequences to doing exactly the opposite of what you were (not unreasonably) asked not to do. And to everyone who says pushing boundaries is normal etc, yes, it absolutely is, but part of the learning involved in pushing boundaries is that there are consequences.

FWIW bedtimes here are 8pm for 8 year old and 8.30/8.45pm for 10 year old and they wake naturally anywhere between 6.30pm and 7.30am.

Does your DD got straight to sleep at 7pm? If so I'd say it's not an unreasonable bedtime.

7pm is way too early. My dd who is 12 is still out with her mates at that time.

All this just seems a storm in a tea cup.

7pm is definitely too early for an 11yo unless they are struggling to wake in time in the morning.

I'd say more like 8/8.30 on school nights with time allowed for reading, then 9 on weekends.

But surely everyone relaxes during school holidays and most kids end up going to bed later generally?