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Original poster

DD CAUGHT on tablet after bed time with??

112 replies

RRRplus1 · 21/07/2019 22:32

DD - 11, was allowed to stay up late tonight, when it came to her bed time, I took her to bed, she asked if she could go on her tablet for half an hour, I said no because I'd already let her stay up late.

DH went to check on our baby about 15 mins after she was taken to bed & he poked his head in her room and caught her on her tablet. I was nearby and heard him say "busted" and also heard her ask him not to tell me, he obviously did! She was in her room crying loudly.

DH wanted to go to her as he felt guilty that she got so upset and that he may have exacerbated the situation by loudly saying busted and potentially winding her up, he said, she was upset saying that I had said no, and now she was in trouble.

Was I unreasonable to ignore her crying, and not to go into her, but to call to her, to bring her tablet down and then go to bed. Not saying anything else about it?

And to ask, in the morning should I carry on as if nothing happened, or should the tablet be confiscated?

Just to add for context, I would never expect her to go on her tablet after bed time she is normally very good at doing what she is told and therefore wouldn't have thought to make sure it wasn't in her room, but maybe from now I should make sure it's out of her room at bed time.

OP posts:
Percypigparade · 21/07/2019 23:08

My 11 year old is still awake and still on his. Will remove it shortly.

Original poster
RRRplus1 · 21/07/2019 23:08

Thank you all for your replies.

I didn't go to her, mainly because I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, as she is usually very good, but i also didn't want her to feel like she had got away with doing something she had already been told no about so that's why I asked her to bring it down. I don't really know why she was so upset, as she's not really in trouble that much, (have been very lucky with her) so she wouldn't have anything to be scared of, but maybe the feeling of being caught, embarrassed and over tired, all mixed together.

I do feel bad now, and after reading your replies have gone and given her kiss and will talk to her properly in the morning.

Still undecided about the fate of her screen time tomorrow, but will definitely be keeping more of an eye on her tablet use, because admittedly she does watch YouTube videos on there, and possible could be exposed to things I'm unaware of.

I suppose i just didnt know how to deal with the situation for the best.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 21/07/2019 23:09

Why would you leave it in her room at night? Of course she'll sneak onto it. Completely normal boundary pushing. As for how to react, just make sure it's not there in her room any longer.

Butterymuffin · 21/07/2019 23:10

Her reaction seems pretty extreme. Is she so attached to the tablet that she's freaking out at the thought it might be confiscated? Even so, that's the sensible thing now - take it each night at bedtime and keep it downstairs. It doesn't need to be the subject of drama - just 'this is what we're doing now'.

LillithsFamiliar · 21/07/2019 23:14

Our rule is no tablets or electronics in the bedroom. However, since you don't have that rule and it is the holidays, I wouldn't have made a big deal out of this at all. It's the equivalent of reading a book under the covers after lights-out. It's a right of passage. So your DH's reaction of a light-hearted 'busted' and then taking the tablet away would have been fine.
I'd be concerned that she was so upset.

bridgetreilly · 21/07/2019 23:15

I would definitely have gone in, removed the tablet, told her what the consequences were going to be (e.g. no tablet tomorrow, earlier bedtime tomorrow), then kissed her goodnight. Not knowing what will happen but knowing you are in trouble is the worst, and she won't sleep well, which is surely the point of not letting her have the tablet.

justasking111 · 21/07/2019 23:15

Not in the bedroom when mine had them they would have watched them all night then been cranky in the morning. Books are fine.

kateandme · 21/07/2019 23:15

perhaps go to her to ask why she is so upset.

SeaToSki · 21/07/2019 23:17

I think a reasonable consequence would be that she cant have screen in her bedroom until she has earned back your trust....l

kateandme · 21/07/2019 23:19

i cant explain why but i also think screens are different to books in pushing the bedtime limit.their is a safety aspect to that.

NoLeopard · 21/07/2019 23:23

Not surprised she is upset if she understands there are consequences coming! Don't fret about how you are going to handle it in the morning or how long you are going to confiscate it for, it's such a minor thing! Surely you just say, 'remember what we agreed' and take it downstairs. Incident over and move on.

Goingonagondola · 21/07/2019 23:30

11 year olds are not 'glued' to their phones/tablets! Well, only if their parents allow them to be. My nearly 11 year old doesn't have a phone and is allowed a bit of tablet time at the weekend. Definitely not at bedtime. Friends are similar. Can't understand why any parent would allow this.

But that's besides the point. I think it was a mistake to leave it in her room as the temptation got too much. I think tomorrow you can just say to her 'From now on no tablets in the bedrooms as unfortunately you showed me last night I couldn't trust you'. Don't make a big deal of it but equally don't ignore it. At some later point you can allow it again, with a reminder that if she breaks the rules it'll go again.

Actions have consequences. Her choice to ignore your clear instruction needs to have this very simple consequence. It's a life lesson.

BrokenWing · 21/07/2019 23:32

Tell her it is ok, not a big deal you understand it is tempting being upstairs and it's made you think and the new rule is tablet downstairs 1hr before bedtime. If she wants something for bedtime she can have a book or kindle.

notmylittleangel · 21/07/2019 23:41

Been there too OP.

Don't make a big deal, ask her what she feels would be appropriate consequences. You don't have to be harsh or tough but a conversation around how she obviously is not ready to self regulate her usage just yet and as her parent it is your job to ensure she has a good sleep and a safe space in her bedroom. Tablets then invalid this safe space and therefore don't belong in the bedroom.
I'd say that tablets and smart phones are not in the bedrooms after bedtime. They live downstairs in our house.

LillithsFamiliar · 21/07/2019 23:43

But a kindle isn't any better than a tablet when it comes to screens affecting circadian rhythms, eyesight, etc. I really don't think she should have any screens or electronics in her bedroom.

hadthesnip2 · 21/07/2019 23:45

I'm with@streetwusd on this one. Or I'm a bad parent. Its the school holidays.....let them live a little.

40 years ago I was up until late reading a book.....by the light coming from from the landing. I still remember having to push my door close, put the book under my pillow & pretend to be asleep when my parents came upstairs (usually to use the loo which was next door to my bedroom). No different in my mind.

WomanLikeMeLM · 21/07/2019 23:54

Its the summer holidays, all kids do this, cut her some slack and stop overreacting.

boltfromblue · 22/07/2019 00:02

Gondola - I'm amazed - your year 6 child doesn't have a phone?

The 30 kids in my middle child's class all have a phone.

I'm not saying this is right at all, btw, just how it is and I'm interested to know what's different in your area?

I think they are a blessing and a curse but an inevitable part of our tween's life.

This post is not goady or challenging - I'm genuinely interested.

JemSynergy · 22/07/2019 00:09

If I leave any device in my 10 year olds room she's going to use it, the temptation is too high. If she is found using it at bedtime, I simply take it away and that's the end of that. I rarely have to confiscate and I don't feel the need to constantly supervise her while on a device.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2019 00:09

I agree with StreetwiseHercules here.
And YY to hadthesnip2 about reading way past my official lights out time once upon a time, long, long ago.

OP, you need to get smart about parental controls, and you need to get up to speed on matters technical ASAP.
Your DD is 11 and will be exposed to an incredible amount of totally unsuitable material online within the next few years.
Policing bedtime and keeping screens out of bedrooms won't cut it if internet safety is your goal.

Keep channels of communication open with DD - these are the important years in which you will give her a sense of confidence that you are a grown up, not someone who panics or indulges in kneejerk reactions. Going back up and giving her a kiss was the best course of action here.

You should consider letting DD regulate her own sleep times during school holidays - along with other markers of growing responsibility and independence like assigning chores and encouraging participation in challenging activities outside of school.

You are going to have to work out how you are going to learn to trust her as she starts to spread her wings and enters the preteen years.

Pick your battles.

I think your DH got the measure of the incident, with his jokey 'Busted!' Taking the tablet just tonight is perfectly fine but making any more of a song and dance about it would be OTT.

Pannalash · 22/07/2019 00:17

Complete overreaction OP.

BrokenWing · 22/07/2019 00:37

@LillithsFamilar the kindle paperwhite light can be turned off.

Goingonagondola · 22/07/2019 00:41

@boltfromblue I don't know what to say because I'm equally amazed by your situation! Maybe it's peer pressure in your case - a few did it and now they all have one? Or do you live in a more urban area than me and the kids walk to school and so need a phone? Ours are (sadly) mostly driven to school due to where it is. But yes, out of 30 I'd say maybe 5 have phones. Next year my son will walk/bus to secondary school and he'll get a (very basic) phone then for safety and convenience reasons.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/07/2019 00:47

Why was your DD that upset, OP? Because reading in bed is so not a big deal (and'punishments' is what stupid people impose; you don't need to find a way to hurt your child). Give her a hug and forget about it. Unless you think your DP is bullying her.

OkPedro · 22/07/2019 01:05

What age are year 6 children? I’m not in the uk. My daughter is nearly 11 I’d say about 5/6 in her class have phones. These children seem to have a phone because they walk home from school. I have to collect my dc.
My daughter won’t start secondary until she’s 13.. she’ll have a phone then. She and my ds have tablets. I have parental control on them and they are locked at 8pm every night