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Original poster

DD CAUGHT on tablet after bed time with??

112 replies

RRRplus1 · 21/07/2019 22:32

DD - 11, was allowed to stay up late tonight, when it came to her bed time, I took her to bed, she asked if she could go on her tablet for half an hour, I said no because I'd already let her stay up late.

DH went to check on our baby about 15 mins after she was taken to bed & he poked his head in her room and caught her on her tablet. I was nearby and heard him say "busted" and also heard her ask him not to tell me, he obviously did! She was in her room crying loudly.

DH wanted to go to her as he felt guilty that she got so upset and that he may have exacerbated the situation by loudly saying busted and potentially winding her up, he said, she was upset saying that I had said no, and now she was in trouble.

Was I unreasonable to ignore her crying, and not to go into her, but to call to her, to bring her tablet down and then go to bed. Not saying anything else about it?

And to ask, in the morning should I carry on as if nothing happened, or should the tablet be confiscated?

Just to add for context, I would never expect her to go on her tablet after bed time she is normally very good at doing what she is told and therefore wouldn't have thought to make sure it wasn't in her room, but maybe from now I should make sure it's out of her room at bed time.

OP posts:
Original poster
RRRplus1 · 22/07/2019 01:58

Thank you all for you replies.

For those saying I've over reacted, I thought my reaction was minimal, considering I didn't actually tell her off, I just asked her to bring the tablet down and then go to bed. But in hindsight I should have given her a kiss and made her feel ok about it at the same time, which I have taken note for future when I'm trying not to make a big deal, maybe by not doing this, it made her more anxious even though, like I have said she's barely in trouble so wouldn't have to be scared of anything.

Also it's not like she was randomly caught, to which I would have asked her to get off the tablet and go to sleep, It was more of the fact that she had already asked and been told no. I am happy to take responsiblity for the temptation being there though, because like other posters have stated it shouldn't have been in her room. She hasn't been caught on it before so I didnt realise this could happen.

She doesn't have a phone either, but will be getting one soon. I definitely do need to up my game with parental controls.

Of course my husband isn't bullying her, but obviously he startled her whilst she was doing something she knew was already a no, by going into her room, which I think she then cried about because she was probably embarrassed to be caught.

After reading all your advice, I'm not going to take her tablet away, but I am going to put a bed time rule in. Am I totally strange for thinking that letting her stay up till half 9 10, is actually late for an 11 year old? On a school night, she goes to bed at 7pm, is this too early? I thought they still needed 12 hours sleep at this age?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 22/07/2019 02:03

My DD is 11 and doesn't ever fall asleep before 10. I wish it was earlier but no matter what I do, she just doesn';t seem to fully wind down till then and I've tried EVERYTHING.

However, she gets up with no trouble at all every morning. And she's very tall too...so it's not doing any harm I think.

hadthesnip2 · 22/07/2019 02:08

7pm for an 11 year old....!!!! More like 9pm ish. Dont you remember your childhood & what time you went to bed ??

Original poster
RRRplus1 · 22/07/2019 02:21

Well no, i dont remember what time I went to bed at 11. I just didnt want her to be tired, i was shocked when she toldnme that other kids in her class are up at 9, 10 pm watching tv with their parents on a school night, maybe this is normal then.

OP posts:
OkPedro · 22/07/2019 02:25

7pm for a 10 year seems very early but if she is up at 7am maybe she needs the 12 hours? My daughter goes to bed in term time at 9.15. 15/20 minutes reading and then she’s asleep by 10pm. Up at 8am.
Summer holidays most nights bed at 10.30, 15 minutes reading asleep by 11pm. This is way to late imo but this is where we are

Nat6999 · 22/07/2019 02:45

It's the school holidays, most children will be staying up later than usual. Rules are ok for school nights but it doesn't hurt to cut a bit of slack during the holidays.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 04:56

Sometimes I feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe on here. There are people who actually believe it is bad parenting to teach your child that they need to do as you ask them to do. So odd.

mathanxiety · 22/07/2019 05:19

Yes, imo 7 is quite early.

9 is probably a better idea especially for summer when it's still light out. How about she goes up at 8 and can read or whatever until 9-9.30?

10 would be a bit late and is possibly an exaggeration on the part of her school mates, esp for school nights. For a special show maybe make an exception as long as her teeth are brushed, bath /shower is over and she is in PJs.

I gather from the talk of what her peers are allowed to do and from your remark about barely being 'in trouble' that there are a good few rules, a good books/doghouse thing going on, and maybe she is chafing at some household rules or finding it all a bit rigid?

mathanxiety · 22/07/2019 05:24

hercule the trick is not to ask them to do things without asking yourself if it's all that important.

At 11, parents and children are embarking on a different aspect of the parent child relationship, where the children start to gain some independence. This involves giving some freedom of choice to the children, picking your battles, and making sure there is room for all of you to grow.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 05:29

mathanxiety

I realise that. Personally I would just remove the tablet, not punish this (I don’t punish my toddler for trying it on at bedtime either). It’s not the idea of flexibility that bothers me. It’s the idea of people setting out to teach their children how to defy rules. How strange.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 05:31

And 7pm is definitely too early for an 11 year old to have to be in bed. 8.30 for 9 o’clock sleep is how I would be thinking about it.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 05:34

When I was a child, we didn't have tvs of our own, a tv in bedroom was an absolute no until you were old enough to earn enough money to buy your own.

I regard tablets in exactly the same way. We have "family" tablets available which DS can use occasionally, there are rules etc about when and as it's not "his" tablet it can be removed easily & he does not have constant access.

I don't see any reason for a child to have a phone of their own until they are travelling to school alone on a daily basis. Even then we will have a "Phone bed" box downstairs and all phones will be going in before bed time. Screens mess with circadian rhythms - I know, I've spent a while addicted to mine and it ruined my sleep.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 22/07/2019 05:37

Ps I think 7pm is quite early for an 11 year old bedtime. My family are all at the "early bedtimes" end of the spectrum but through junior school they just don't need as long, I think nearer 8 or 8.30 is more usual. If my niece of similar age went to bed at 7 she just wouldn't fall asleep for ages or would be up at 5.

Iris27 · 22/07/2019 05:38

It seems strange that she was so upset. Did you check what she was doing on her tablet?

lawnmowingsucks · 22/07/2019 05:46

Haven't rtft but

when it came to her bed time, I took her to bed

Why? I don't understand

Also I don't understand why an 11 year old is allowed unsupervised internet access

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2019 06:25

Very few 11 year olds need 12 hours sleep. My dd hasn’t slept that long since she was a preschooler. Look at this chart. My 11 yo dd is bang on average. 7pm is incredibly early. Even dds friend, who needs loads of sleep goes to bed at 7.30.

You completely overreacted. My dd knows however cross I am with her she can ALWAYS come for a cuddle. You have punished her enough. You should be apologising to her this morning for overreacting or meting out a punishment.

Why would you reject your child just because they pushed a boundary? That’s draconian and does not lead to a calm teen.

You’re going to have a fun time in her teens if she can’t come to you to talk about sex, alcohol and drugs. And she won’t if she thinks you will react like this.

DD CAUGHT on tablet after bed time with??
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2019 06:29

Oh and my dd is in bed for 9.30 on a school night and gets up around 7.15. It was 9 up to this spring. She may need to go a bit earlier now as she will be taking the school bus for secondary.

herculepoirot2 · 22/07/2019 06:34

Mummyoflittledragon

I am curious about what you think the OP did that was so wrong that she needs to apologise to her DD, who chose to do what she was told not to do? She hasn’t been punished, has she?

BertieBotts · 22/07/2019 08:12

No they don't need 12 hours' sleep at 11. This is a useful rule-of-thumb chart - it has always worked well for DS1. As per this we let him go to bed 15 minutes later every birthday. Last year when he turned 10 he was due to change to 8.15 on a school night but asked if he could do 8pm on school nights/9.00 at weekends and we said OK.

www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a34333/viral-bedtime-chart/

If she is usually well behaved and hardly ever told off quite possibly she is simply upset by that, I don't think it means anything awful like she's frightened of some draconian punishment or addicted to screens Confused

But I do agree that there are a lot of addictive elements built into apps that children this age want to use, not that the children develop an addiction, but mechanisms that work on their brains in the same way, causing the same addiction-like behaviours. In that sense, it is inappropriate to expect them to self-regulate. We have to regulate their use for them. By about 13/14 I'm hoping to switch to a combination approach where you work with them to find the right balance but :o could be wishful thinking with teenagers I suppose.

NaturalBornWoman · 22/07/2019 08:27

Sometimes I feel like I have stepped into a parallel universe on here. There are people who actually believe it is bad parenting to teach your child that they need to do as you ask them to do. So odd.

Totally agree. I'm Shock at some of these responses.

Also re friends claiming to be up at 9-10pm watching tv with their parents, we all did the "so and so is allowed to, you're mean..." thing didn't we? Didn't mean it was actually true. And there's a watershed for a reason. Much of what's on tv after 9pm isn't suitable for 11 year olds. She directly disobeyed, there should be consequences. There are good reasons for an 11 year old not to be online in private.

FossiPajuZeka · 22/07/2019 09:05

The tablet should be confiscated for a week but the idea of withdrawing love and attention as a discipline is horrible. Sincere hugs and kisses are always always available no matter how naughty a child has been.

Nautiloid · 22/07/2019 09:10

I'd have gone to her and given a hug and just explained my reasoning and removed the tablet myself each evening...I do this anyway and whack it on charge.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/07/2019 09:20

Hercule
For ignoring her child’s distress because she was upset with her. It sounds as if she could have done with a big hug. It is possible to be unhappy with a child’s behaviour and show love. Op said her dd felt anxious.

EleanorOalike · 22/07/2019 09:23

In Year 6 my bedtime was 8.30 to bed and lights out at 9. By Year 7 it was extended to bedtime at 9.30 or 10. She’s nearly at high school...7pm is way too early for her to be made to go to bed.

EleanorOalike · 22/07/2019 09:23

Oh and bedtime was 10.30 in the summer holidays until the last week.

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