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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell ex DH that his sibling is still alive?

104 replies

windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:06

Ex DH grew up with 2 other siblings in a quiet tough, dysfunctional environment and as adults he maintained some contact with one of them (sibling A) but fell out with the other one (sibling B) in his 20s. Both parents now deceased.

About 10 years ago sibling A told Ex that sibling B had been in a car accident and had died. Ex was obviously very upset but hadn't spoke to sibling B since their falling out, now 15+ years previously, and because of this and because he was living 8 hours drive away, didn't attend the memorial service but sent a substantial sum of money to cover funeral costs.

Fast forward to today and Ex, now 50, supports sibling A financially who is unable to work. Sibling A recently told me that sibling B is alive and well and did not die in a car accident. Sibling A didn't explain about the lie of the accident - either Sibling B wanted to cut ties and start fresh or Sibling A wanted the 'funeral money. ' Or other reasons I can't ascertain.

Yup, it all feels like something from a soap opera!!

Should I tell Ex? Since it's not my family and not my issue, I'm inclined not to say anything to Ex but I hate that he is financially supporting someone who is lying to him. And I hate knowing and saying nothing...

WWYD?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 21/07/2019 21:26

Id have to tell him. He has grieved his sibling, despite them not having a relationship and it must have been difficult with feeling mixed emotions. It will be a huge shock to him that A deceived him and is still benefitting financially from him. But he deserves to know in order to form his own opinion on why A would have said such a terrible thing and to decide whether to continue financing them.

Travis1 · 21/07/2019 21:28

That is so awful. I’d have to tell him

SarahSinclair · 21/07/2019 21:28

What kind of relationship do you have with your ex and do you think he’d believe you if you told him?

HerRoyalNotness · 21/07/2019 21:28

Yep, I would tell him too. Is there anyway you can verify it? Sibling A sounds like a grade A arsehole

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 21/07/2019 21:29

Your loyalty is to your ex and not to his sibling. Not a nice situation to find yourself in, but once you know something like this you can't unknow it. 💐

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:29

Thx Drum. I am concerned if I tell Ex that he will cut off his only/last remaining family member (sibling A). Part of me wonders what is the point in telling him since nothing good will come out of it... but it's a hard secret to keep!

OP posts:
popehilarious · 21/07/2019 21:30

Why and how did Sibling A tell you? Did no one mention that there was really no funeral? It all seems a bit odd.

BalletTapNModern · 21/07/2019 21:31

Tell. Family secrets suck and you shouldn’t be (tacitly) covering up for the liar.

user27495824 · 21/07/2019 21:31

I say tell him, unless he's an ex because he was abusive and then he deserves all he gets. Why is he your ex?

MakeItRain · 21/07/2019 21:32

You need to tell your ex. For all you know this is another lie. I would just say he told you something really strange and you have no idea why he would say it and whether or not it's true, but that you thought it best to let him know.

mycatisblack · 21/07/2019 21:36

How dreadful. If ex DH was basically a decent bloke, I'd tell him and let him him investigate further.
As A has clearly lied already, is it possible that A manipulated the falling out in the first place between the siblings?
Maybe A told B that ex DH had died in an accident and that's why B hasn't tried to contact him in all these years?

NewName54321 · 21/07/2019 21:39

If do you tell him, unless you have seen B with your own eyes, be careful to word it as, “A says that..”, rather than as fact, “B is still alive.”

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:40

Why and how did Sibling A tell you? Did no one mention that there was really no funeral? It all seems a bit odd.

I had just met Ex when all this happened so have very sketchy sense of what went down. I don't know if there was a funeral, perhaps just a cremation and that's it.

Sibling A told me about a year ago. Mentioned that Sibling B was doing fine and still living not far from their childhood home. I asked about the car accident and he said - 'nope, still alive.' I believe Sibling A who used present tense when talking about Sibling B.

It's all really weird but the family seem very dysfunctional and non-communicative but also a lot of lying and secrets between them. V odd!

OP posts:
f83mx · 21/07/2019 21:43

How would you feel if he ever found out another way and then found out you knew? Probably shit? In which case tell him. How genuine is sibling A though, I would just verify if B is alive (death record search) first before getting more involved.

SuzieQ10 · 21/07/2019 21:43

It's too big a burden to keep this a secret. You don't have to say it as though you definitely know for sure that his sibling is still alive, but you could say that sibling A had suggested the death wasn't true and that he may wish to look into it if he feels inclined to do so.

Owlbert · 21/07/2019 21:44

I would tell him. I would want to know in that situation. Anything that happens afterwards is his choice.

Loveislandaddict · 21/07/2019 21:45

I would tell dh as he’s living a lie with his sibling.

However, it may be worth doing some initial research to,check the facts first. See if you can find some proof that sibling b is alive. Most people have some sort of social media profile - Facebook, on company websites etc. You may be able to track them down.

I wouldn't To reveal to dhnthat sibling is actually alive, if they aren't.

MRex · 21/07/2019 21:45

Your ex deserves to know so that he can investigate for himself, unless sometimes was hiding from abuse I would tell them. Do you know for sure that your DH was not a risk to this person? Can you check the electoral roll in that county?

SummerSix · 21/07/2019 21:45

Tell him.

2stepsonthewater · 21/07/2019 22:00

Why is it on your mind now if Sibling A told you a year ago?

I would say tell him, you don't want to be part of the cover up and lie yourself.

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:00

Ok. Good to see consistent responses. I will think about how best to tell him.

OP posts:
Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:01

It's on my mind because I saw him tonight and he -ex - was talking about his deceased brother.

OP posts:
ragged · 21/07/2019 22:02

OP doesn't seem to know the full story behind why the lie was told.
Without more reliable info, I think I'd stay out of it.

BillyJowel · 21/07/2019 22:03

I would absolutely have to tell him

PooWillyBumBum · 21/07/2019 22:04

I wouldn’t say “your brother is still alive”, but I would say “I think you should know sibling A days sibling B is still alive”