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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell ex DH that his sibling is still alive?

104 replies

windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:06

Ex DH grew up with 2 other siblings in a quiet tough, dysfunctional environment and as adults he maintained some contact with one of them (sibling A) but fell out with the other one (sibling B) in his 20s. Both parents now deceased.

About 10 years ago sibling A told Ex that sibling B had been in a car accident and had died. Ex was obviously very upset but hadn't spoke to sibling B since their falling out, now 15+ years previously, and because of this and because he was living 8 hours drive away, didn't attend the memorial service but sent a substantial sum of money to cover funeral costs.

Fast forward to today and Ex, now 50, supports sibling A financially who is unable to work. Sibling A recently told me that sibling B is alive and well and did not die in a car accident. Sibling A didn't explain about the lie of the accident - either Sibling B wanted to cut ties and start fresh or Sibling A wanted the 'funeral money. ' Or other reasons I can't ascertain.

Yup, it all feels like something from a soap opera!!

Should I tell Ex? Since it's not my family and not my issue, I'm inclined not to say anything to Ex but I hate that he is financially supporting someone who is lying to him. And I hate knowing and saying nothing...

WWYD?

OP posts:

Jellybeansincognito · 22/07/2019 07:46

You’re concerned if you tell him he will cut off sibling a? That shouldn’t be a concern, he sounds like a wanker to put it politely.

Geschwister4 · 22/07/2019 07:47

If you know one of his parents name you can search for their marriage records and then find the birth of the child that way. then use that to get the surname. I would try and find out as much as you can before telling him.

EvaHarknessRose · 22/07/2019 07:50

As long as you are sure your ex is the victim and not the liar (wanting an excuse to send money somewhere?) then I would tell. Ex is being exploited.

QuiteForgetful · 22/07/2019 08:08

You may be able to find siblings last name if you can find something where his parents are mentioned by name like an obituary.

supersop60 · 22/07/2019 08:18

You could do your own search to verify first.
Or, as others have said, just tell your ex what A said to you. ie don't present it as fact that B is still alive. What A says, and what is true, may be different things.
Please keep us posted. Can we help in your search?

Original poster

windygallows · 22/07/2019 08:42

Sibling B was his mother’s son from a first marriage and I just don’t know the name and it’s a bit tricky to find out. I don’t know his mothers maiden name either.

I think I will tell him tonight by phone just to get it off my chest. Ex was here this morning to pick up dcs as he has then for a week and I considered telling him in person but thought he would go ballistic so it’s safer by phone.

Right now sibling a can’t work because of ill health partly due to years of drinking and living unhealthily. Ex sorted accommodation and gives him about £400/month above his benefits. So I’m sure EX will cut him off after this. Hey ho.

OP posts:

MRex · 22/07/2019 09:18

Your Ex's mother's maiden name would be on your Ex's birth certificate.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 22/07/2019 09:27

TuesdaySunshine · 22/07/2019 09:29

I’m sure EX will cut him off after this.

I think my opinion changes in light of this. Up to here in the thread I would have said absolutely tell him what you've been told, even if you don't know all the facts yet, and let the cards fall however they will. But for me, the knowledge that Sibling A may well end up destitute, at a time when there's very little state help for people who can't cope, would change things. What if B did ask A to do this to ensure a clean break? It's not something I would do, but there may be factors we (and OP) don't know. Does A deserve to end up on the street because something happened in the family that OP's ex can't accept? I suppose what I'm saying is that in view of this, OP should perhaps think through carefully what she would and wouldn't end up feeling responsible for in this picture. In general I think the ex deserves to know, but if his reaction is likely to have dire consequences, I would definitely consider keeping it to myself after all.

fargo123 · 22/07/2019 10:06

can’t work because of ill health partly due to years of drinking and living unhealthily. Ex sorted accommodation and gives him about £400/month above his benefits. So I’m sure EX will cut him off after this.

Your ex sounds like an absolute fool. There's no way in hell I'd give financial support to someone who has brought on his problems himself such as Sibling A has. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if A lied about the death simply to fleece more money from ex under the guise of funeral expenses. If finding out B is still alive causes ex to cut A off then telling him would be worth it for that alone.

Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 10:07

But for me, the knowledge that Sibling A may well end up destitute, at a time when there's very little state help for people who can't cope, would change things

So you would be happy financing a drunk, who told you, your sibling was dead do defeats more money out of you?

More fool you.

serenoa · 22/07/2019 10:33

I researched my mother's family and found that getting accurate death records from government sources was very difficult. I signed up with Ancestry to look for info and cancelled my subscription within the free trial period. I didn't find what I was looking for but for me it was worth doing.

If you feel like searching, that way might work for you, OP. If so, just remember to diarise the date you need to cancel by.

In this situation I'd just pass on what you were told but you've no way of knowing whether it's true. I'd probably mention that Sibling A did say something a year ago but you dismissed it. Now Sibling A talked about Sibling B again very recently, in the present tense, and you feel you should let him know.

ProlificLurker · 22/07/2019 11:14

If you can find ex’s parents’ marriage certificate it will have mother’s previous name on it I think.

mussolini9 · 22/07/2019 11:35

I am concerned if I tell Ex that he will cut off his only/last remaining family member

Don't be. Not for one moment. It is for your ex to decide what he will do with the information, nobody else, & he should be given the full facts immediately. This is far too big to be kept from him any longer.

Shelby2010 · 22/07/2019 14:08

I think you should tell Ex, but if he’s got the DC for a week I would wait until he’s brought them back. Only because he’s likely to be angry & distracted which might spoil the kids holiday.

IdaBWells · 22/07/2019 14:35

I definitely don't agree with the idea that because state benefits are low it's absolutely fine to let someone pay 400 pounds a month to a relative that is openly lying and deceiving them.

Sibling A told OP that B is still alive. Maybe they have a guilty conscience?

Yes we don't know the ins and outs of this dysfunctional family but how can you be party to deception when someone is giving 4.8k per year to a sibling who has deceived them in such a hideous way? What happened to all the "funeral" money?

If Sibling A wanted OP "to stay out of it" why tell her? It's all extremely weird. But I don't think it's OPs job to help deceive her children's father. How will they feel if this all comes out later?

Kaddm · 22/07/2019 15:34

Presumably you divorced him for a good reason. Perhaps B’s faked death was for a similar reason.
I’d leave it.

sonjadog · 22/07/2019 15:46

If it were you, would you not rather know than be kept in the dark because someone was worried you would react badly to your sibling who had lied to you? Would you not rather have all the facts on what is going on in your life rather than have someone else assess what you should and shouldn't know?

TuesdaySunshine · 22/07/2019 15:57

So you would be happy financing a drunk, who told you, your sibling was dead do defeats more money out of you? More fool you.

No, that's not what I said at all. But for me the fact that OP doesn't really know or understand all the facts or family dynamics becomes potentially a great deal more incendiary given that what most people here are advising could have dire, far-reaching consequences. To me, it becomes more important that she finds out as much as she can before wading in to something that arguably is not really her business anyway.

Whereas I would originally have advised she simply tell ex what she's been told and let him run with it, I think I would now suggest she either goes back to A and asks wtf's been going on first, before involving ex, or, perhaps better still, keep her nose out of ex's family business altogether. This all involves something that happened before she and ex were together and something that was said after they broke up. And she's sat on it all for a year already. And she's implied that ex is a bit on the volatile side. I'm unsure what's to be gained, and troubled about what could go wrong.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/07/2019 16:17

For me I'd have to tell him.

Your ex could be living with some regret with sibling B and all along the guy was alive (well he was a year ago at least). He has also been lied to by his other sibling and it's not a little lie it's a bloody massive one that has changed his life.

The fact that your ex is talking about his 'dead sibling' means he's still thinking about him. You have to tell him.

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 22/07/2019 16:38

For all you know, sibling A could have told sibling B that your ex was in a car accident and died, and sibling B is wishing he could turn the clock back and sort things out. I'd definitely tell him.

Ravingstarfish · 22/07/2019 16:57

So you don’t want to disrupt sibling A’s benefit fraud despite the fact he may have lied about a siblings death?!

Original poster

windygallows · 22/07/2019 22:18

Well THAT WAS WEIRD. I spoke to Ex about it tonight and told him what I knew. He phoned Sibling A who denied everything. He is content that Sibling A is telling the truth and doesn't want to pursue it further.

I'm positive about what Sibling A told me but it sounds like Ex doesn't really care and wants to let sleeping dogs lie.

Weird, weird family. Guess that's why he is my EX!

PS - I'm now obsessed with finding death records or not just to prove a point!

OP posts:

Tallgreenbottle · 22/07/2019 22:25

Don't find the records OP. Just find Sibling B and tell them Sibling A is telling everyone they're dead.

Original poster

windygallows · 22/07/2019 22:26

haha! Nah, tracking down another dysfunctional family member is not a good use of anyone's time.

OP posts:

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