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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell ex DH that his sibling is still alive?

104 replies

windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:06

Ex DH grew up with 2 other siblings in a quiet tough, dysfunctional environment and as adults he maintained some contact with one of them (sibling A) but fell out with the other one (sibling B) in his 20s. Both parents now deceased.

About 10 years ago sibling A told Ex that sibling B had been in a car accident and had died. Ex was obviously very upset but hadn't spoke to sibling B since their falling out, now 15+ years previously, and because of this and because he was living 8 hours drive away, didn't attend the memorial service but sent a substantial sum of money to cover funeral costs.

Fast forward to today and Ex, now 50, supports sibling A financially who is unable to work. Sibling A recently told me that sibling B is alive and well and did not die in a car accident. Sibling A didn't explain about the lie of the accident - either Sibling B wanted to cut ties and start fresh or Sibling A wanted the 'funeral money. ' Or other reasons I can't ascertain.

Yup, it all feels like something from a soap opera!!

Should I tell Ex? Since it's not my family and not my issue, I'm inclined not to say anything to Ex but I hate that he is financially supporting someone who is lying to him. And I hate knowing and saying nothing...

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:39

Lil queenie - those are good suggestions. Thx.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 21/07/2019 22:41

I’d have to tell him. How weird.

Lovethesun100 · 21/07/2019 22:45

Deal with facts - you need a copy of the death certificate.
Citizens advice can help with that - think it's quite straightforward and can be found online.

Justaboy · 21/07/2019 22:47

Tell him, i think overall that it'd be less long term greif!

But what an odd ball outfit you almost counld'nt make it up;!

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:49

Love the sun. Not sure if I can find a death certificate if I don't know sibling b's last name.

OP posts:
cdtaylornats · 21/07/2019 22:52

If you are going to tell him check the truth first. It is easy to look up death records.

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 22:58

How long have you been separated? You seem to see the whole family rather a lot?

BandsAndBeer · 21/07/2019 23:03

How long have you been separated? You seem to see the whole family rather a lot?

What's that got to do with anything?

justilou1 · 21/07/2019 23:04

It’s interesting that he’s been able to maintain this story for so long with EX, because it suits him. Are we sure he’s not lying about his other problems too?

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 23:04

It’s a question? I didn’t ask you

kateandme · 21/07/2019 23:09

i think there are a few things to think about.
does the "dead" sibling wanted to be dead so he could as you said move on cut ties,get way from this dysfunction and began to live a healthier life. so you also have to think on him here and what can of worms would be opened if his family came into his life

is their anyone else to support your ex once he gets this news.it will need support for him.
could you find the other sibling somehow.talk to him get his version of events.
you need to talk to alive sibling and get the facts.no bullshitting.facts.

i do get what your saying about him having some family now and how he will be if that gts blown apart.
oh what a tricky one op.

LillithsFamiliar · 21/07/2019 23:21

If the conversation was over a year ago, you don't even know if sibling B is still alive. I'm bemused that you didn't tell your ex when you found out. Why on earth did you have any loyalty to his lying sibling? I think you have to put the effort in to find out if sibling B is still alive or not. There must be another relative or family friend you can contact. Or you could search for sibling B's birth certificate if you know how old they were and their parent's name. From there, you'll find their full name and can search for a death certificate.
I'm struggling to believe someone would keep this from their ex.

BrokenWing · 21/07/2019 23:24

You should have told him a year ago when you found and I can't understand why you didn't and will now? What are your motives to keep such a secret then but tell now? Why has you allegiance changed to your ex knowing the truth rather than keeping his siblings secret?

Tell your ex you aren't sure what's going on but sibling A said this, it might be part of his MH issues/a lie but you think he should check it out. Then leave it to him to do with the information as he pleases, dont go playing Mrs Marple yourself, it is not your business to do that.

starfishmummy · 21/07/2019 23:26

Hes an ex. I'd just keep quiet and have as little to do with him as possible. Not your problem

Shplot · 21/07/2019 23:29

You have to tell him

Isatis · 21/07/2019 23:39

I am concerned if I tell Ex that he will cut off his only/last remaining family member (sibling A).

But if B is alive, presumably A isn't his only remaining family member?

HeadintheiClouds · 21/07/2019 23:40

Hmm...

LoulabelleAndCo · 22/07/2019 06:52

Wow. Your poor ex. He deserves to know.

Original poster
windygallows · 22/07/2019 07:03

How long have you been separated? You seem to see the whole family rather a lot?
We have children together so see each other more regularly than I'd probably want to!

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/07/2019 07:15

I can't offer any suggestions as to how to tell him, but I think you should. He may in time want to contact sibling B, perhaps.

silvercuckoo · 22/07/2019 07:20

Are you sure that
A) Sibling A is telling the truth now, as they definitely do not sound too trustworthy
B) Your ex had told you the truth in the first place. I know a man who tells everyone that one of his sons had died, and even organises an annual remembrance service. He didn't die, he came out as gay, but only a few close people know about it.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/07/2019 07:34

I’d tell him but would need to make sure it was true first.

cantfindname · 22/07/2019 07:36

After checking the facts I would tell him. Otherwise the day will come when A slips up and your ex finds out B is alive. A will place the blame firmly on your shoulders by telling him that you knew 'for ages'

Can you ask your ex what B's surname was/is? Just say you were wondering until something more positive is discovered. A really nasty situation and one can only wonder what A is gaining from it all.

Hidingwhoiam · 22/07/2019 07:43

I would tell him because his sibling his ripping him off.

If it was because sibling B asked A to say that for s new start, A didnt have to accept money. They could have said B had a policy for their funeral.

And now they are carrying on this lie whilst letting your ex finance them.

Its abusive

urbanlife · 22/07/2019 07:45

Tell him, without question.