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Original poster

To tell ex DH that his sibling is still alive?

104 replies

windygallows · 21/07/2019 21:06

Ex DH grew up with 2 other siblings in a quiet tough, dysfunctional environment and as adults he maintained some contact with one of them (sibling A) but fell out with the other one (sibling B) in his 20s. Both parents now deceased.

About 10 years ago sibling A told Ex that sibling B had been in a car accident and had died. Ex was obviously very upset but hadn't spoke to sibling B since their falling out, now 15+ years previously, and because of this and because he was living 8 hours drive away, didn't attend the memorial service but sent a substantial sum of money to cover funeral costs.

Fast forward to today and Ex, now 50, supports sibling A financially who is unable to work. Sibling A recently told me that sibling B is alive and well and did not die in a car accident. Sibling A didn't explain about the lie of the accident - either Sibling B wanted to cut ties and start fresh or Sibling A wanted the 'funeral money. ' Or other reasons I can't ascertain.

Yup, it all feels like something from a soap opera!!

Should I tell Ex? Since it's not my family and not my issue, I'm inclined not to say anything to Ex but I hate that he is financially supporting someone who is lying to him. And I hate knowing and saying nothing...

WWYD?

OP posts:
VforVienetta · 21/07/2019 22:04

Perhaps you you phrase it as "A said something that made it sound like B is still alive, and I thought you'd want to know. You can probably find out for sure by searching for a death certificate, but A said he was still living near home too."
That way he can be the one to 'prove' his sibling is lying or not, and you're not the bad guy.

ContactLight · 21/07/2019 22:04

Perhaps Sibling A told your ex that sibling B was dead because B asked them to.
There could be a reason that sibling B wants your ex to believe that they are dead. After all, what better way of completely cutting contact with someone than for them to think you're dead? Perhaps sibling B cut contact with your ex for a very good reason. And you don't know what that reason might be.

In this situation I think I'd steer well clear and forget that I was ever told.

mollpop · 21/07/2019 22:06

How would you feel if he found out that you knew and hadn’t said anything?

He deserves to know the truth.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 21/07/2019 22:08

Do you think your ex H was the one that lied (to you) for some reason?

KeepFuckingOff · 21/07/2019 22:09

I don’t know how you’ve sat on this info for a whole year, I’d be fucking furious with them and you.

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:09

contact I wondered that too, whether sibling B just wanted to break all contact. But it's a weird way to do it. And since deaths have to be registered it's a hard thing to fake!!

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/07/2019 22:10

I would definitely tell him. I think that is the kind of information that people should not be kept in the dark about.

quitefranklyivehadenough · 21/07/2019 22:13

@windygallows does your ExDH live in France? This story sounds familiar to me 😱

OneWorld · 21/07/2019 22:14

Why would Sibling A tell YOU and not your Ex? Are you sure sinking A is not upto some mischief here - stirring up shit between you and ex, making you look cruel and manipulative? Are you sure Sibling A will later not deny saying this to you ?

anypossibleway · 21/07/2019 22:15

I’d want to know if it was me

brownjumper · 21/07/2019 22:18

Who did he send the money to?

Pieceofpurplesky · 21/07/2019 22:19

Is sibling A a stirrer? Do you see ex? How did you see A?

Halloumimuffin · 21/07/2019 22:19

It's all so strange I would wonder if this is the lie and not the death of the sibling - I would tell him what was said, only because either way there could be a possibility A is very unwell and needs help. PP suggested that B might have suggested the deceit - I don't think that's OPs concern seeing as A has now revealed it.

Derbee · 21/07/2019 22:22

Definitely tell him.

Mummyto2munchkins · 21/07/2019 22:25

Definitely tell him OP

Happynow001 · 21/07/2019 22:27

In this situation I think I'd steer well clear and forget that I was ever told.
Hard for OP to "forget" she's been told. Here she is on MN asking for advice a whole year since she found out. Sibling A didn't need to tell the OP - who else has he told?

This is a bomb waiting to go off OP and you are already involved. In your position I'm afraid I'd tell the exH though you'd have to be very careful how you tell him.

I also agree that he (not you - keep out of it once you tell him) should check the electoral register, search for a death certificate, etc to find out the truth if the matter.

You've been put in an unenviable position - why, I wonder?

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:29

All are based in the U.K., not France.

Money was sent to sibling a. Sibling a is hard pressed for money so this may have been an opportunity for money.

Sibling a told me by mistake - was talking about sibling b as if he was alive. I said 'wait isn't he dead?' And he was early caught out. Told me not to tell Ex but didn't go into reasons as there are probably many. Sibling a isn't physically and mentally well enough to work but I think he was telling the truth about sibling b being alive.

OP posts:
ThePhoenixRises · 21/07/2019 22:30

I would actually try to find some kind of record of death or find some kind of proof he is still alive. Then I would tell Ex, once I had all the information, as long as I could find out the information, within a day or two.

Drum2018 · 21/07/2019 22:31

Just be careful how you word it. I'd let on that you assumed ex also knew last year seeing as A had told you a year ago. Then say that when you heard ex talking about deceased B today you thought you better mention what A had said. If he thinks you've known for a year and just kept it from him, he might be annoyed (not that it's really your concern but if you are on speaking terms it might hinder things).

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:31

And I have to say that I find this all really strange too. My family are very middle of the road and quiet and ex's family seem to be like characters from East Enders with so much drama!!

OP posts:
Pinktinker · 21/07/2019 22:33

Horrible. I couldn’t live with not telling him tbh. Sibling A is a disgrace, sounds like he did it for some cash...

DeathyMcDeathStarFace · 21/07/2019 22:33

Sibling A might be a massive liar or deceitful etc. What if they told sibling B that your ex died in a car crash and got money from them towards your exes funeral and is being financially supported by them now too.

If sibling B is still alive sibling A has fraudulently obtained money from your ex (for funeral costs) and might be defrauding others too.

If it were me in your situation I would be telling, this could be the tip of the iceberg. If someone is capable of conning their sibling they will have fewer qualms about conning friends, strangers etc.

Also, what if your ex regretted never having put things right with sibling B and has been living with this guilt all these years? If sibling B is still alive your ex might want to put things right, let him have the chance. Also, if B thought your ex was dead they might want to know so they can put things right.

Paramicha · 21/07/2019 22:34

Don't say anything until you have searched death records, if confirmed then you can tell him and that you have checked the records for him.
Then leave him to it he's your ex.

Original poster
windygallows · 21/07/2019 22:34

I would search death records but Sibling B was a half sibling with a different last name and I don't know the name. I could look for newspaper articles about the accident but can't recall the exact date and don't know the location.

OP posts:
LilQueenie · 21/07/2019 22:37

The problem is you say he told you around a year ago. Why not say something to your ex sooner? I think you should still say something but perhaps coming from the angle of "does you brother have mental health issues as he mentioned B still being alive but obviously that can't be true". Or "when I ran into A he said this and I think he may be stirring it with me so forgot about it because its absurd but its niggling me since you mentioned B".

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