Is there something wrong with me?

[Pauuuuuuline]

I didn't really want this in AIBU but I couldn't seem to select a different topic.

So here goes.

I'm tired all the time. I mean, I get a decent amount of sleep but I'm just so exhausted. I have no motivation to do anything. No get up and go. Everything seems like such effort. I spend hours talking myself into doing the simplest of tasks like emptying the dishwasher or putting a load of washing on.

I don't look after myself. I bath every day but outside of this I don't do anything else. I don't brush my hair or look after my teeth. I eat too much and it's always junk, binge, type stuff.

People think I'm lazy. I guess I could be. But I'm always so desperate to change. I want to look after myself and I want to have motivation, I want to keep my house clean, to socialise, to make friends, to enjoy playing with my baby. (Just to say, I was like this before I was even pregnant, none of this is a new thing since DS came along). But I just can't. I can't do any of it.

I'm awkward in social situations and almost always say the wrong things. I overshare. People think I'm really funny. I don't actually mean to be. My palms always sweat and I'm so conscious of myself. I replay every encounter. People are always saying how strange I am.

I constantly worry about DS getting hurt or dying. I worry I'll wake up in the morning to my DH telling me that DS won't wake up. I go to work two days a week and drop DS at Nursery and I worry that the nursery will call me and say DS has fallen and hurt his head badly. I worry as DS crawls around the living room whilst I'm watching him. Worried he'll hurt himself. I miss him desperately when he goes to bed or to Nursery but I also don't really enjoy spending time with him. It's difficult to explain. He's such a good and easy baby and yet I find him exhausting after five minutes.

I felt guilty for feeling that way about spending time with DS. Guilty that I don't enjoy it. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I feed him, change him, hug him (if he'll let me!) But what if he's not getting enough stimulation, what if I'm not playing with him enough, what if I've been too short with him, what if, what if.

I just desperately more than anything want to enjoy spending time with him.

I can become very obsessive over things very quickly but also I'm not interested in anything either.

I'm easily irritated. I get frustrated very quickly.

Sometimes I feel utterly miserable. Hopeless, almost. Then suddenly, I'm on top of the world, I've got a bit of fight back, a small burst of motivation, I feel happy and carefree and then just like that, it's gone again.

Short answer is, sounds a lot like depression or some other form of mental health issue. (I have depression so I know the signs) Go to your GP and explain everything like you have written on this post.

I think it's definitely time you had a chat with your GP. I'm not any kind of medic but you do sound depressed. Several of the things you mention are classic symptoms - mostly the not taking care of yourself.
So there may be something 'wrong' with you - but it's something that can be fixed. You need to make the first move towards helping yourself though - and I do understand that if it was that easy you'd probably have done it by now! But you really must make that push because I think you deserve to be happier!

Have you looked into PDA?

Oh OP, you sound really low. I'm sorry that you feel so bad.
Have you thought about seeing your gp? You sound like you could be depressed.
You are not a bad person and I'm sure you are doing your best but I think you need to get some help.
Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

Are you taking a contraceptive pill OP? I may be on the wrong track here but you sound a lot like my sister when she went on the pill (I think it was called Dinette).

I agree that seeing your GP is a good idea - I also wonder if it's worth asking for a blood test to see if your thyroid is up to snuff. I felt very much like you described for years, and had pretty much accepted that I was just a lazy cow, until a blood test revealed that my thyroid hormone was in my boots. I'm a lot better now - not perfect, but better - and thinking about trying to wean myself off the antidepressants.

Sometimes I don't feel anything. Just nothing. I don't feel happy. I don't feel sad. I just feel nothing.

Except exhausted. I always feel exhausted. The smallest of tasks drain me and everything just feels like such effort, 80% of the time. After I do anything, even the smallest of things, I need to sit down for hours. It just drains me.

I do quite often have periods of feeling fed up, hopeless, miserable, but it's not constant. It can be say, a week long. Then suddenly for a few days I feel happy, motivated and energetic but it never lasts long. I then deflate like a balloon.

The smallest of interactions leave me flustered and uncomfortable, even just going through the check out at the supermarket.

This has been my life for as long as I can remember. I feel so abnormal. All I have ever wanted is to be normal and to enjoy things like normal people do.

My biggest upset is DS though. I feel such guilt that I don't enjoy spending time with him. I feel like I'm wasting it. I feel that I'm letting him down and yet I can't make myself enjoy the time I spend with him. I miss him when I'm not with him but when I am, I almost feel indifferent, like interacting with him is just too exhausting.

To answer a PP, I'm not on any type of contraceptive pill.

Oh OP. I feel for you. This could be me. All of it.
Depression was a big factor. But the other characteristics, I had them too. Maybe they are separate to this.

Have you ever tried antidepressants? They got me out of a hole. And the , after a few years, I came off them and was different and better.

Aghh this is sounding. Self centred, but please, there is hope; you can feel better, possible than you ever have before. But please see your GP. Maybe you could have some counselling via the gp too?

Is there anything you enjoy, that you could fit in? Yoga, running, crafts? Running might be good; the endorphins, getting away from things for a bit, and doing something mindful. Find something you like, and try and fit it in. Xxxxxxx

No, I haven't really got anyone I can talk to about this and I'm too scared to go the GP. I've put up with it for this long and I've read about how hard it can be accessing help for issues like these on the NHS and I'm probably not important enough.

Go to GP, get bloods done. I could have written this myself, after taking anti depressants but never feeling 'well', even after a year I went back. Got diagnosed with anemia and underactive thyroid. I feel like a different person now and hadn't realised the impact on my mental health. Feeling exhausted all the time isnt normal, get yourself checked!

That sounds hard for you OP and I sympathise.

Please do read the replies you have had from people on here. People have thought about you and shared their personal experiences. They make really useful points.

I understand that you may not have felt 'heard' before now and you need people to listen. Having people to listen and take you seriously is really, really important. But solutions are important too, and you are being offered some. Listen to them.

I could of written your post word for word myself a few years ago, please go to doctor, you probably have depression and anxiety as I did, meds and talking helped me a lot.

Go to your GP, they should do blood tests.

You sound very anxious and perhaps obsessive compulsive but you do need to see a medical professional for a diagnosis. There are medications and talking therapies that can help, you don’t have to feel like this forever.

I can't run because I'm too fat and unfit.

I seem to have obsessive tendencies so I bounce from what extreme to the next. I lost three stone about for years ago and did so by surviving on half a tin of beans and half a can of tuna. I would occasionally binge and then feel guilty and throw it back up.

Since then I've piled it all back on and just constantly binge on crap. Wanted to start a new diet on Monday but I'm scared of reverting back into the old habit of beans, tuna and vomit.

You ask what I enjoy, things I've always enjoyed doing, for as long as I can remember revolve around absorbing myself into fantasy. Through TV, books, online roleplay, etc. But again, I get obsessed and begin to neglect my real life so I've been trying to avoid that lately.

your GP will be able to refer you easily to a mental health team for an assessment, just go and ask, this is their bread and butter

Yes, I know. People have been really nice (especially considering this is AIBU!) and I can't say how much I appreciate people sharing their experiences with me.

Honestly, I just have no idea how to make that important first step to contact my GP.

I want more than anything to not be like this anymore. I want to enjoy playing with my baby and interacting with him.

I'm in the same boat OP. Only I don't have any children.
I've not felt truly well since my early teens. I binge on crap, I've piled on loads of weight and am grossly overweight. I have no motivation to do anything. I've just been sacked from my job because I was calling in sick because I couldn't face it. I have lied to friends and pushed away just about everyone I was close to. I keep telling myself I will go to the gp but I never do.

I recognise much of what you said in myself OP. 2 things come to mind.

Firstly you sound like you are suffering from an anxiety related disorder. Especially mentioning the “what ifs” and you are doing a lot of negative self talk. You can self refer for CBT online. I can’t tell you how much it has changed my life. I spent 15 years feeling how you do OP and in the 6 months since finishing my CBT course, my life is unrecognisable.

Secondly, if you can borrow a Fitbit with the sleep app on it, it is work looking at your sleep pattern. I can sleep for 8 hours a night but I have such poor quality sleep that it works out to about 4. If I get 6 hours then this works to about 2.5hrs a night and I can’t function. I did this for years and felt permanently exhausted. If you dream a lot and can remember several dreams a night, this is a good indication that your sleep may not be of great quality.

@username1724 very similar experience to myself. Doctor prescribed me antidepressants for 12 months after feeling down, exhausted, lack of interest etc. It was only when the doctor was poorly, and I saw the nurse prescriber instead, that any blood tests were taken. I was then diagnosed as being B12 deficient. Roll forward another 3 months, antidepressants were stopped, B12 injections commenced and I'm like a different person. I still feel tired, but not exhausted. And my mental health improved drastically.

OP, definitely get yourself to the GP. It could be depression. It could be something else. But they can get you some help.

I'm not usually one to recommend self diagnosis, but I have been reading around certain mental health conditions. My mum has glaringly obvious undiagnosed MH issues. In trying to understand my mum better (she won't get help) I've done a lot of reading and found certain things resonate with me as well. I probably won't bother pursuing a diagnosis. I'm not sure how much it could change at my age and my mum is far too stubborn to bother with herself. But it helps me to just have some kind of understanding of my feelings. Treatment would still be the same any way antidepressants, CBT etc.

A lot of your traits and the way you've explained them point my mind towards the possibility of being on the autistic spectrum at some level.

Don't even try running,I totally understand being overweight and the thought of running makes me want to puke!
Walking is what's best and you can push your son in his stroller.
You sound like you are really depressed.I've been there too.Don't make excuses,you are worth it!Get in to see your GP asap.Get bloodwork and check your hormone levels too.YOU.ARE.WORTH.IT!!!!!

OP you literally sound like me nearly everything you wrote is me it’s worrying

First step visit your GPS. Ask them to test your thyroid. You have a lot of symptoms of an underactive thyroid. The exhaustion, anxiety, low mood, sweaty palms. If this is the case you could feel so much better with thyroid medication

Hi OP, I know Others will already have said. But it really sounds like depression (I get it too: it’s awful)

Please go see your GP.