Is there something wrong with me?

[Pauuuuuuline]

I didn't really want this in AIBU but I couldn't seem to select a different topic.

So here goes.

I'm tired all the time. I mean, I get a decent amount of sleep but I'm just so exhausted. I have no motivation to do anything. No get up and go. Everything seems like such effort. I spend hours talking myself into doing the simplest of tasks like emptying the dishwasher or putting a load of washing on.

I don't look after myself. I bath every day but outside of this I don't do anything else. I don't brush my hair or look after my teeth. I eat too much and it's always junk, binge, type stuff.

People think I'm lazy. I guess I could be. But I'm always so desperate to change. I want to look after myself and I want to have motivation, I want to keep my house clean, to socialise, to make friends, to enjoy playing with my baby. (Just to say, I was like this before I was even pregnant, none of this is a new thing since DS came along). But I just can't. I can't do any of it.

I'm awkward in social situations and almost always say the wrong things. I overshare. People think I'm really funny. I don't actually mean to be. My palms always sweat and I'm so conscious of myself. I replay every encounter. People are always saying how strange I am.

I constantly worry about DS getting hurt or dying. I worry I'll wake up in the morning to my DH telling me that DS won't wake up. I go to work two days a week and drop DS at Nursery and I worry that the nursery will call me and say DS has fallen and hurt his head badly. I worry as DS crawls around the living room whilst I'm watching him. Worried he'll hurt himself. I miss him desperately when he goes to bed or to Nursery but I also don't really enjoy spending time with him. It's difficult to explain. He's such a good and easy baby and yet I find him exhausting after five minutes.

I felt guilty for feeling that way about spending time with DS. Guilty that I don't enjoy it. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I feed him, change him, hug him (if he'll let me!) But what if he's not getting enough stimulation, what if I'm not playing with him enough, what if I've been too short with him, what if, what if.

I just desperately more than anything want to enjoy spending time with him.

I can become very obsessive over things very quickly but also I'm not interested in anything either.

I'm easily irritated. I get frustrated very quickly.

Sometimes I feel utterly miserable. Hopeless, almost. Then suddenly, I'm on top of the world, I've got a bit of fight back, a small burst of motivation, I feel happy and carefree and then just like that, it's gone again.

I took a sharp intake of breath reading this op. I could have written it word for word. In the past I’ve always convinced myself that I’ll do better soon but I never do. Every little task takes a huge amount of effort and leaves me drained. I neglect all areas of my life and exist rather than live.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you op, I just wanted to say that you are not alone.

Another one on to say have you googled 'autism in women' before?

Hi OP, I have suffered with anxiety and depression and it honestly does sound like you are suffering from some sort of mental health issue. Most of your post really resonates with me - the flat empty feeling, apathy, persistent over-anxious thoughts and eating issues. The thing that really stands out to me is the obsessing about fantasy worlds, often the most tell tale sign for me that I am not feeling well is a lack of interest in what’s actually going on and obsessive daydreams about some fantasy book/game/show. I would suggest being really honest with your GP, there are lots of things that can help- CBT, medication, mindfulness (there are great apps for this). A really helpful thing I’ve discovered recently is to commit to doing five things a day that are good for your wellbeing. They could be tiny things like making a healthy lunch, texting a friend or going for a walk. Or even just taking ten minutes in the garden with a cup of tea. Anything that demonstrates self-care and moves in the right direction. All those little things have a big impact, and the act of achieving them gives you a sense of purpose. You are not alone and you can feel better. Take care x

Hi OP. Haven't RTFullT yet but just wanted to reply. You sound exactly how I feel. I've been trying to be more positive (Gratitude journal, meditation, crystals, etc.) but it's so frustrating as I don't feel anything. Then other times I'm overwhelmed with sadness, shame and guilt.

I do suffer from depression and anxiety/panic disorders. I am on AD but I haven't had any therapy for a few years. However, I got fed up of feeling so anxious and tired all the time. (Had blood tests, came back normal.) I sat down and wrote out everything bothering me, my behaviours, thoughts, actions, etc. I then sent it to my Drs with a covering letter. I spoke to my Dr and he said it's beyond the scope of a GP to help so has referred me on. My referral is now booked for August. I'm telling you this to show you that you can get help (And deserve it too!) and maybe if you find it to hard to talk, or worry you'll forget something, write it down. Put it all on paper and take it with you or post it to the GP and ask it to be put on your records.

You are NOT lazy, or a bad person. You are a deserving human being going through a tough time. You have been very brave to post here. Think of it as your first step. Best wishes to you. (((hugs)))

I feel like there are a few different issues here.

The feeling unmotivated, taking ages to do things and not doing basic self care like teeth brushing is one thing. Possibly this could be depression.

Feeling awkward in social situations, saying the wrong thing and cringing over these encounters later is unfortunately just how some of us are. I'm like this but there's nothing clinically wrong, I'm just a very very awkward person. All you can do is keep trying. Check some of the threads on here about awkward people, foot in mouth, and having no friends for others experiences with this.

Loving your son but not really enjoying being with him is another thing, and the good news is that one is totally normal. Check any of the threads on here about parenting little ones and you will see 99% of people feel this way. No need to feel ashamed, babies games are objectively boring and repetitive.

Parenting is both great and a drag. The fun part is knowing your kids exist, the worst part is actually taking care of them. Don't imagine everyone else is wiping up food off the ground with a big happy smile and you are the only one saying "ffs!" through gritted teeth.

Wow you’ve pretty much described me down to a tee

Sounds like social anxiety & depression. I'd see your GP : & he might also test you for being anaemic or lacking Vitamin D. When I had anaemia my depression has worsened badly. And a friend had low Vit D when she was sleeping constantly (but not depressed).

Ok, I know this is going to sound weird, but have you heard of the Myers-Briggs personality test? I can relate to much of what you say, actually all of it. My personality type is INFJ. I joined some INFJ groups on Facebook and so many people feel similar. It's like you're always an outsider. You may have depression though too, not trying to say it's a personality thing. I'm not big into housework either and it all seems such a bloody chore. I think it's my personality though. I'm stuck in my head. I'm a broken INFJ though. I'm not sure where to go from where I am. But take the test and see if it helps shed any light: www.16personalities.com
It's not an exact science but it's interesting to learn how people perceive the world differently and may make you feel less alone.
I dunno if that helps but I hope it does in some small way.

Definitely get to the doctor, OP. Do it asap.

And also, get out of the house as soon as possible every day, and just have a little walk, and then go for another couple of walks during the day. It might lift your mood and give you a bit more energy. (Sorry if that's a useless suggestion - it's just that it really works for me, and helps to stop me getting depressed.)

Hi, OP. First, I want to tell you that you're not alone.

Okay, is there a nice person at the nursery? Can you talk to someone there, let them know what is happening? You don't have to talk if it's too hard, print off what you wrote on here and maybe give to them, if it's easier for you.
Please see your Doctor, this sounds very serious, and looking after yourself is just as important as looking after bubs. Maybe try reading one chapter of a favourite book, you don't have to read it all, still some left for later, that way.

Please let us know how you get on, love

Dontknowwhattodo987, it's interesting what you said about being am INFJ, I'm one too and when I read the op so much of it resonated with me too and I thought, I hate reading this sort of thing on mn as so many people will say you have depression and go to the GP, can't some people just feel like that without it needing treatment. For years I've recognised myself in a lot of posts where the op is told to go to the doctors but I don't feel like I have depression, I feel a lot if it is my personality. Not that I'm saying the op here shouldn't go to the drs, I'm talking about myself here in relation to Dontknowwhattodo987's post.
Sorry for the hijack op.

You sound exactly like I was a few years ago, I went on anti depressants as the doctors thought anxiety and depression, then I happened to read about women who are autistic and how they present differently.

The difference since I've known has helped a lot, I understand why I struggle so much, and although I still struggle with certain things I'm easier on myself.

Let me know if you want some good links to look at, I always thought I can't be autistic because I can do eye contact and have empathy (my ignorance) but actually I do eye contact be cause I know I should but it's extremely uncomfortable, and autistic people actually have a lot of empathy, if anything too much so it's overwhelming and we shut down, probably looking like we don't care.

I know it's hard but just taking a small step towards something positive (seeing GP, researching autism, or anything like that) will get the ball rolling, good luck.

OP of course you're important enough to reach out to and receive help from NHS/GP

Don't suffer! That's what these services are for.

You say you don't know how you'd even approach your GP, could you write down how you're feeling on a piece of paper, explaining that you're finding it very difficult to talk about and just hand it to GP? You may be prescribed anti depressants but might only need them short term?

Think about all that you do for your DC, I bet you're a great Mum. The fact that you're most concerned about your DC shows how much you care.

It'll be recommended by others I'm sure but exercising/gym is a great outlet. When I was in a bad place a few years ago it really helped. I used to get such a great feeling of satisfaction after sweating it out for an hour and I lost a bit of weight in the process

@Pauuuuuuline
Honestly, I just have no idea how to make that important first step to contact my GP.

Very simply, book an appointment with your GP, if possible one that you know you get on well with.
Print what you have been writing on here. Your OP but also your other posts describing how you feel, that it has always been there. The feeling noting, being depressed and then elated etc...
Just tell your GP that you would like some help and give them that sheet.

From that, they will be able to ask the right questions and direct you to the right place/give you the right support.

OP there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. I could have written your post word for word a while ago, I understand how it feels to think you're flawed and it's awful. It's like the rest of the world is fine and it's just you suffering, behind a panel of glass, cut off.

Can you make an appointment with your GP? It would be worth getting a full check to make sure your exhaustion isn't down to something medical. You can go from there, better informed, on what changes to consider making - because you deserve to feel so much better than this.

My issues were being overweight, unfit, on/off depressed and very anxious. It all stemmed from past trauma so I needed counselling and CBT. Losing weight actually didn't make that much of a difference, but getting fitter massively improved my self esteem.

I'm still awkward but I own it! You are allowed to be yourself. I don't keep thinking about my regrets and flaws on loop and while I'm still very sensitive, I'm learning how to be more robust and put myself first in a healthy way. I used to be so anxious even at a checkout that I'd avoid everything I could, but it can get better. For me it's been about finding meaning and learning it's okay to be weird old me.

@ssd I'm INFJ (turbulent) too! How interesting!

It sounds like a few different things going on. You need to look into the possibility that you might be on the autistic spectrum or have adhd (or both) Having these and not being aware of it could be leading to your anxiety and depression.

Hi op a lot of people are saying go to your GP and I agree.

This may seem daunting but I went on antidepressants years ago and it was very easy to get a prescription.

Get an appointment, see the GP, answer some questions and they should prescribe you the pills (unless it’s changed recently). What I’m trying to say is, it shouldn’t be a long drawn out process (as you obviously struggle to find the motivation).

If you find the motivation to do anything or on one of your good days you mention, go to the GP. Do this for you and your baby.

Oh lovely, I get like this. I have anxiety, sometimes if left unchecked I get depressed. I was diagnosed with ASD as an adult (I suspect I have AD(H)D traits too). I’ve definitely had what I know recognise as ‘Autistic burnout’ a few times too.

You definitely need to see your GP as the first port of call. There are medical conditions that can be underlying making you feel like this - thyroid, anaemia, lupus...can’t say for certain without bloods. I went through a difficult phase recently, they found I have low ferritin levels. Now I’ve been on iron supplements for a fortnight I’m already finding I have more energy and I’m able to do more. If you can’t verbalise how you’re feeling, you could get a doctor’s appointment and show them your first post? Please do try and get some help.

If you're not exercising and eating junk food that has a massive effect on your energy levels. It may well be due to depression as pp have suggested.

I had pnd, was awful and went mad. Talking about it helped as did going to gp. Changed my diet (can't give up chocolate though!), more fresh fruit and veg, took up yoga and started couch to 5k. Never thought I could run, never have and was so unfit, but honestly it really helped my mental health and energy levels. Couch to 5k really eases you into it (the very first run/walk was the hardest!).

Well done for reaching out to the mN community and admitting you have a problem.
It does sound as though you have depression and maybe General Anxiety Disorder.
Ask your other half, a friend or a relative if they will go to the GP with you and make an appointment. A support group may also help.
Also a Slimming World group for your weight and eating issues , but no doubt they are related to your mental health problems.

I would say get fit first.
Then, which will be say 3 months down the line, if you are fit, able to run or walk a decent distance without getting too breathless, have better posture due to Yoga or pilates classes or swimming, and you are still unable to do anything or feel any motiviation see the Doctor.
Being unfit does really pull you down ime.

OP, you are clearly suffering from anxiety. Anxiety plays havoc with your sleep. You might be sleeping 7 or 8 hours a night, but the quality of it might be poor. Good sleep is not just about quantity but also about getting enough deep and REM sleep.

It's a vicious cycle, you sleep poorly, you wake up with limited energy, this makes you anxious and depressed and you sleep poorly. I would tackle your anxieties first and hopefully, as these reduce, your sleep will improve and you'll feel better.

5hsgs assuming you don't suffer from any medical condition, low iron, b12, vit D for a start.

A lot of what you describe resonates with me. Just to add there are different types of depression. For example dysthymia has the characteristic that people assume it's who they are.

@Conflicted121 I was going to say the same thing about the sleep quality. I can relate to a lot of the OP and my sleep is terrible. Even if I get 8 hours (which is rare) only a tiny percent of it is quality sleep and I'm woken so easily.

Get your Vitamin D and B12 checked, and thyroid.
My VitD levels were seriously deficient and i could hardly lift my head up then alone think to lift it.