Is there something wrong with me?

[Pauuuuuuline]

I didn't really want this in AIBU but I couldn't seem to select a different topic.

So here goes.

I'm tired all the time. I mean, I get a decent amount of sleep but I'm just so exhausted. I have no motivation to do anything. No get up and go. Everything seems like such effort. I spend hours talking myself into doing the simplest of tasks like emptying the dishwasher or putting a load of washing on.

I don't look after myself. I bath every day but outside of this I don't do anything else. I don't brush my hair or look after my teeth. I eat too much and it's always junk, binge, type stuff.

People think I'm lazy. I guess I could be. But I'm always so desperate to change. I want to look after myself and I want to have motivation, I want to keep my house clean, to socialise, to make friends, to enjoy playing with my baby. (Just to say, I was like this before I was even pregnant, none of this is a new thing since DS came along). But I just can't. I can't do any of it.

I'm awkward in social situations and almost always say the wrong things. I overshare. People think I'm really funny. I don't actually mean to be. My palms always sweat and I'm so conscious of myself. I replay every encounter. People are always saying how strange I am.

I constantly worry about DS getting hurt or dying. I worry I'll wake up in the morning to my DH telling me that DS won't wake up. I go to work two days a week and drop DS at Nursery and I worry that the nursery will call me and say DS has fallen and hurt his head badly. I worry as DS crawls around the living room whilst I'm watching him. Worried he'll hurt himself. I miss him desperately when he goes to bed or to Nursery but I also don't really enjoy spending time with him. It's difficult to explain. He's such a good and easy baby and yet I find him exhausting after five minutes.

I felt guilty for feeling that way about spending time with DS. Guilty that I don't enjoy it. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I feed him, change him, hug him (if he'll let me!) But what if he's not getting enough stimulation, what if I'm not playing with him enough, what if I've been too short with him, what if, what if.

I just desperately more than anything want to enjoy spending time with him.

I can become very obsessive over things very quickly but also I'm not interested in anything either.

I'm easily irritated. I get frustrated very quickly.

Sometimes I feel utterly miserable. Hopeless, almost. Then suddenly, I'm on top of the world, I've got a bit of fight back, a small burst of motivation, I feel happy and carefree and then just like that, it's gone again.

Eek, long post, sorry.

I know it's scary going to the GP, especially when you've had this on your shoulders for so long.

When I went a few years ago, they gave me a form to fill out before I saw the GP. It asks you questions about your motivation, your overall happiness, suicidal thoughts, feelings of hopelessness etc.

They doctor then looks at that score and has a chat with you and discusses some options.

He/she will probably recommend some anti depressants (they take a little while for your body to adjust to. About 4-6 weeks).
Doc will also probably recommend some sort of counselling like CBT.

The counselling is a long term solution whereas the ADs will be temporary, hopefully. There is also, for some areas, a website to help with counselling.

From my own experience, I can offer some potential things that will help in the meantime?

CBD oil is very good for anxiety and depression. Or at least, taking the edge off. You can order it online.

Meditation was the one for me. There's an app called Headspace that is apparently very good. I haven't used it but I just use a Buddhist chant and some OM music from YouTube. It takes practice but just having a clear mind for a small amount of time really helped me with my anxiety and depression. Helped calm me and give me some perspective on things.

Get outside. Even if it's a 10 minute walk around your neighbourbood. Get some natural light, a bit of Vitamin D, a little light exercise. It will help.

I was on ADs for 10 years. I have never been back on them since and I manage what I have left (I still get anxiety a bit and feel low sometimes) with exercise,eating well and looking after myself. Exercise boosts the serotonin levels in your brain. Serotonin is your feel good hormone. It's effectively what ADs do. Once you reach a point where you feel ready to try some exercise, after a couple of weeks you will really feel the benefit.

I know junk food is a comfort. I really do. In time, you will feel ready to make better food choices that don't make you feel crap afterwards (nice at the time of eating, horrible afterwards).

Most importantly of all, do NOT put pressure on yourself to 'make yourself better' within a timeframe. This will be a journey, not a simple step from A to B. Lots of little steps. It will take time, patience and forgiveness. Be forgiving of yourself. No one is perfect. Many people, including myself, will have been where you are. It will take time but it will get there.

OP just to echo other posters this sounds scarily like me. I am sorry I have no real advice but definitely my support. I even find taking my children out draining. I come home and I can barely function. I feel dizzy and exhausted. Like you I think people assume I am lazy, take ages doing tasks because I lack motivation. Has anyone who felt like this taken anti-depressants? I have been tempted for a while to talk to GP but I feel stupid saying how I feel. Not sure why. It has gotten worse lately. Like you I don't feel happy nor sad just, numb.