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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I might honestly be single forever?

98 replies

Singlestpringle · 20/07/2019 20:31

Yes I know that being with a man isn't the be all and end all. I have a professional career which gives me an interesting and relatively well paid job, I own my own home, my DC are (young) adults. I'm in good health, and having lost weight recently and toned up am slimmish (size 12 though I'm aiming for 10) and relatively physically fit. Although the only family I have are my DC I do have several groups of friends.

I am recently single again after a relationship of several years ended. I thought he was the man I'd be with forever, we had our next 20 years planned. I knew my future as much as you can, and now I don't.

While we were together although I felt apprehensive about my DC moving out as inevitably they will in the next few years, I knew that he and I would have our life together. Yet now I'm thinking shit I'm going to be on my own, rattling round in this house like Miss Havisham.

I tried internet dating before I met my ex partner and it was years of awfulness. I can honestly say that apart from him, in 5 years I didn't meet one honest, respectable man. Plenty of pervs, fuckwits, ghosters, commitment phonics, you name it. All they had in common was a lack of respect for women. So there's no way I could ever put myself through that horror again.

Which leaves randomly meeting someone - can't happen at work, I'm too senior. Local pubs etc men are not on my wavelength to put it politely. Sports- all the men are 20 years older or younger. Or married.

I'm not 'ready' to meet anyone else yet. In truth the thought of even kissing anyone other than my ex makes me feel ill. At the moment and for the short term I like my life on my own. But if I look forward 5 years or 10, it fills me with dread to think of coming home to an empty house night after night.

I know a bad relationship isn't better than none. I know I am better off than many. Most of friends ARE in good relationships though and have been for 20+ years. But I can't see it happening again for me realistically. AIBU?

OP posts:
Mac47 · 20/07/2019 20:54

Ime most women who actively want to meet a new partner do so, so I would say YABU. I would say it's healthier to work on being happy alone, but I appreciate some people cannot accept that as a final answer. I imagine OLD is pretty grim, but I suspect there are some nice blokes saying the same as you and hoping to meet a nice woman.

Rosehip10 · 20/07/2019 21:00

You seem quite judgmental about people? Any need to add about "how senior" you are in your job Hmm

Sabich · 20/07/2019 21:00

You said you're only recent single, and sounds like you still need to lick your wounds a little.

When there's life there's hope so to speak and when you recover a little there really are some nice men out there. Plenty not, to be sure, but a lot are :)

PookieDo · 20/07/2019 21:01

I am very single and not the person to answer this 😂

I don’t feel this way anymore, I don’t know how or why but 5 or 10 years ahead being single no longer bothers me.

You aren’t ready for a relationship right now at all trust me, but you need to really work out what your fear of being alone is about. What do you fear and why. What is so terrible. What will it really mean? You need to use your rational side to get through this time when you are grieving what you have lost. You won’t feel this raw forever it will pass

I’m not going to vote because this is a silly question 😂
If you want to meet someone and are actively looking and available then you will

thetimekeeper · 20/07/2019 21:01

I would say it's healthier to work on being happy alone, but I appreciate some people cannot accept that as a final answer.

Humans aren't made to be alone, so it's pretty reasonable that people wouldn't be happy being told that!

PookieDo · 20/07/2019 21:04

Reasons why coming home to an empty house when I am 50 won’t bother me:

I’m lazy and love a slob out
Pets will be here for company
Tidy and clean house
Can do what I want when I want to
Can go on holiday when I feel like it
Have lots of friends I can do things with
No one to judge my YouTube history
Not worrying about shaving legs

user1491678180 · 20/07/2019 21:04

I am somewhat puzzled as to why you think you HAVE to have a man. Confused

Also, with comments like 'I am too senior to meet anyone at work' and 'men I meet in pubs are not on my wavelength,' you sound a bit fussy, and a bit high maintenance. Maybe that is why you are struggling? Maybe chill a little, set your bar lower (and stop expecting men to be perfect coz no-one is perfect!) and just chill a bit. You may meet someone when you least expect it!

And you say 'men in the sports I go to are 20 years older or younger..' Why are there not any the same age??? Confused

You don't say your age; I am assuming middle aged as you have adult DC?

JacquesHammer · 20/07/2019 21:06

But if I look forward 5 years or 10, it fills me with dread to think of coming home to an empty house night after night

Is that because it’s what you feel or what you’ve been conditioned to feel because society is so couple-centric?

PooWillyBumBum · 20/07/2019 21:07

I think the too senior comment means it would be politically nightmarish and inappropriate. MNers can be so quick on the attack Hmm

OldAndWornOut · 20/07/2019 21:10

I think its excellent to be picky about potential partners.
Why set yourself up for unnecessary angst when you can be choosy.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 20/07/2019 21:10

Tough crowd in here tonight.
And unhelpful.

blueshoes · 20/07/2019 21:11

As your children are older, I assume you are not planning to have any more. If so, there is no biological time clock. In which case I say take all the time you need or don't bother at all. You are complete as you are and have lots going on in your life. You don't need a man for the sake of being in a relationship.

Even if you are not actively looking (e.g. online or local bars), you might still end up meeting someone who you click with when you are least expecting it. Statistically, that is more likely to happen at some point in the rest of your life, than never meeting anyone ever again.

In the meantime, it is great to just chill.

Mummyshark2019 · 20/07/2019 21:13

Have you any interests that you perhaps take as hobby classes? You could meet someone nice with similar interests?

Cinammoncake · 20/07/2019 21:13

It sounds more like you're just missing your ex right now OP. Of course you could meet someone else and probably will - maybe at Tescos who knows. But nobody can predict the future. People meet at any ages though don't they.

blueshoes · 20/07/2019 21:15

Also, with comments like 'I am too senior to meet anyone at work' and 'men I meet in pubs are not on my wavelength,' you sound a bit fussy, and a bit high maintenance.

I disagree. I would agree with OP's sentiments. The risk of sexual harassment charge makes dating at work quite charged in current times, especially at the senior level because the pool of people at the same level are much smaller and probably all have partners/families. Going out with someone junior would invite gossip and potential abuse of position and sexual harassment claims if things did not wok out. I wouldn't have anything in common with most people in pubs either.

user1491678180 · 20/07/2019 21:18

No-one is attacking or being tough or harsh.

People are merely sharing their opinions and views.

FGS, just because someone doesn't massage an OP's ego, and tell them what they want to hear, that doesn't make them harsh, or mean they are attacking the OP.

The OP asked for opinions; they were not all going to be fluffy and sugar-coated. Especially taking into account a few of the OP's comments!

@oldandwornout

I think it's excellent to be picky when it comes to potential partners.

You may well think that, and you may well be right.

But then don't complain if your bar is set so high that no-one is ever good enough for you, and you are forever single.......... 🤷‍♀️

I stand by my comment that the OP sounds a bit high maintenance, and too fussy.

growlingbear · 20/07/2019 21:23

I doubt you'll be alone forever. But I agree that you're unlikely to find the right man with OLD. It just seems to attract creeps.

Take up some activity that attracts lots of men - group cycling, hillwalking, rock climbing etc.Don't do it to meet 'the one' but be cause you enjoy it. You might make new friends and meet someone who knows someone who could be right for you. That's how it happens.

GaraMedouar · 20/07/2019 21:23

I feel sort of in the same boat OP. My last relationship ended 3 years ago, and I've not even been on one date. I work full time, have 3 kids at home, youngest is 8 so my life is still busy as mum and taxi etc. My ExP was going to be the one I grew old with. I haven't tried OLD, so I suppose I can't really expect to meet someone if I'm not even trying, I feel like there is no hope, I'd like to have a partner, the world does seem geared up for couples. Maybe I'll make an effort when the youngest is older.

Mac47 · 20/07/2019 21:31

thetunekeeper humans or you? Many people are happy being alone. Just because you may not want to, doesn't mean we all feel incomplete without a partner.

TheFutureMrsBellamy · 20/07/2019 21:31

How recently did your last relationship end? Was it your decision, theirs or mutual? I think if you're still thinking you don't want to kiss anyone but your ex you're not in the right place to seek a relationship. Grieve for that, then maybe the idea of kissing someone new won't be so repulsive.

I spent 4 years after splitting from my ExH having going nowhere relationships. It was only once I'd become comfortable with the idea of being single that I met someone who I actually think I have a future with.

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/07/2019 21:38

Hey i been single 9 yrs, do i need a man like fuck i do lol.

vodkaredbullgirl · 20/07/2019 21:39

should have said dont need a man

missbattenburg · 20/07/2019 21:40

You seem quite judgmental about people? Any need to add about "how senior" you are in your job

Clearly OP meant that she had a position of responsibility and so it would not be right to try and hit on someone at work because they were mostly all junior to her so the balance of power etc is wrong.

Your comment was ill-judged, imo.

Goostacean · 20/07/2019 21:43

I'm too young to be in your position yet OP, but I like to think that if I were, once I was ready to move on, I'd try dating agencies. Are they any good? Maybe someone has some experience of them. A neighbour used to run one that organised groups to the opera and other concerts- just a nice way to get music lovers together, for example, and everyone knows everyone else is looking. Obviously it would need to be tailored to your interests, but I imagine the amount of financial and time investment required would weed out the time wasters?

libbynaughtz26 · 20/07/2019 21:44

'Too senior' obviously means she has to remain professional and can't go shagging her co-workers. Calm down.

Op I get what you mean. I'm 28 and would love a relationship but at the same time I won't online date and I won't waste time with someone who's not up to my 'standards' . Nothing wrong with that. I think you meet someone when you stop looking.