To think I might honestly be single forever?

[Singlestpringle]

Yes I know that being with a man isn't the be all and end all. I have a professional career which gives me an interesting and relatively well paid job, I own my own home, my DC are (young) adults. I'm in good health, and having lost weight recently and toned up am slimmish (size 12 though I'm aiming for 10) and relatively physically fit. Although the only family I have are my DC I do have several groups of friends.

I am recently single again after a relationship of several years ended. I thought he was the man I'd be with forever, we had our next 20 years planned. I knew my future as much as you can, and now I don't.

While we were together although I felt apprehensive about my DC moving out as inevitably they will in the next few years, I knew that he and I would have our life together. Yet now I'm thinking shit I'm going to be on my own, rattling round in this house like Miss Havisham.

I tried internet dating before I met my ex partner and it was years of awfulness. I can honestly say that apart from him, in 5 years I didn't meet one honest, respectable man. Plenty of pervs, fuckwits, ghosters, commitment phonics, you name it. All they had in common was a lack of respect for women. So there's no way I could ever put myself through that horror again.

Which leaves randomly meeting someone - can't happen at work, I'm too senior. Local pubs etc men are not on my wavelength to put it politely. Sports- all the men are 20 years older or younger. Or married.

I'm not 'ready' to meet anyone else yet. In truth the thought of even kissing anyone other than my ex makes me feel ill. At the moment and for the short term I like my life on my own. But if I look forward 5 years or 10, it fills me with dread to think of coming home to an empty house night after night.

I know a bad relationship isn't better than none. I know I am better off than many. Most of friends ARE in good relationships though and have been for 20+ years. But I can't see it happening again for me realistically. AIBU?

OP you will be fine. Remember you said that you’re NOT ready to meet someone right now - and you’re not, you’re still at that stage where your relationship has ended, you’re mourning the loss of your future plans and you want the happiness and stability back that being in a good relationship brings. But right now your future is unknown, you don’t know and can’t know if the right person is out there for you, but that is how it is. Let yourself grieve the end of your planned future and try not to dwell on the negatives too much. What else could fill the gap? Further study and a higher qualification? Something completely different to work - learn to paint, make pottery, jewellery? Mentoring others in business? If you can afford to, take the kids and road trip around Europe/USA/Australia for three months and see where life takes you? Perhaps in the future when the kids are older, move to another town/city? Life is still there waiting. ...

My suggestion would be keep trying with OLD. I left my ex-husband in 2014 and eventually took up the courage to try it. I work in an all-female environment as a primary teacher and didn't really socialise as had the kids aged 3 and 6 at the time.

But I wholeheartedly agree that OLD is a minefield and full of total idiots-I ended up getting briefly involved with two men who turned put to be just that and in hindsight that was foolish, I guess I was just vulnerable because I could not believe that men would actually fancy me! I definitely set my standards too low!

But after realising that I became far more wary and recognised that I was better of single than being used. I kept on with OLD but at a much more relaxed pace and with my standards button reset to high!!

I'm now 38 and have an awesome fiancé who is a brilliant stepdad to my boys who are now 9 and 12. Fiancé doesn't have any bio children of his own and so was very much looking for a ready-made family and he had come to the acceptance that it was unlikely he would become a biological father. He did try for children with his ex-wife for many years but sadly no luck. She now fosters and they remain friends-she's a lovely woman and I admire her very much.

Two days ago I found out I am pregnant! This is the biggest shock ever as I was on the mini pill and taking it religiously. It is not ideal timing for us and if the pregnancy continues (which of course we hope it will) we have no idea how we are going to get by. But together we will.

Please don't give up with your search!

You sound like my 45 year old SIL who only wants to go out with a professional person with a degree. At this age I think the best qualities in a man are kindness, supportive and fun irrespective of status. If I was single again (and I think I will be) I want to go out with a plumber or electrician. I don’t know why, I just think I’d go the complete opposite of my DH who has put me off intelligent men and men in general.

In fact I’d go one further OP and say try dating a woman. The older I get the more the scales fall from my eyes about how horrible men are.

OP, cliche as it sounds but focus on you right now and not 10yrs away. It'll happen when it happens.

I knew this thread would be filled with ‘but being single is GREAT’ type posts.

Look, if it works for you, great. It isn’t what OP wants.

Dunno if you’ve tried an introductory type agency op?

Many of us have pointed out that as you can’t actually control it, you need to make it your own. You need to make being single great so that you can cope with it whilst you try to meet someone. Otherwise all you do is set yourself up for unhappiness and possibly falling into a bad relationship

When people say ‘it’s great’ they usually are not lying about it and have given lots of good advice. What none of us can do is make a promise to OP that she won’t be alone in 5 years how can anyone know?

Most people do want to be with someone. It’s only Mumsnet!

Sports- all the men are 20 years older or younger
That certainly isn't the case. I'm late 40s and very into various sports. Many of them men I get to know through them are mid 40 to late 50s. Many of them married, but quite a few have gone through divorces and would love to meet someone exactly like you.

Look, if it works for you, great. It isn’t what OP wants

Except it’s what the OP wants now.

Given nobody has a crystal ball and can tell the OP “yup you’ll definitely meet the man of your dreams” in five years, suggestions of enjoying your life as a single person and using the time to really examine what you want are pretty reasonable, no?

Good/normal men like capable women, rubbish men resent capable women as it both makes them feel less capable and also afraid that she would be easily able to leave him when his rubbishness becomes apparent. Crucially, good men are less likely to be single.

Therefore, it may take longer to find a good and still/newly single man.

OP, have you considered dating men who are slightly junior to you, but who are not your own direct or indirect reports? This is how senior men date at work. Sexual harassment has been mentioned, but this really only applies where a manager is coercive, doesn't take "no" for an answer or reacts badly to "no".

I know this isn’t helpful but I am currently trapped in an awful relationship which I am trying to get the courage to get out of. If it wasn’t for our 10 year old, I would be getting as far away from him as I could. Having the freedom that you have to explore possibilities and join new social organisations and meet new people sounds like heaven to me. I am 46 but will be in my 50s before I can really do this. I think you sound like you are mourning your previous relationship which is understandable. When you are really ready to meet someone, the world is your oyster. There are so many Meet Up type groups out there you can try, courses you can do, groups you can join. Single friendly holidays you can go on. Just fill your spare time, have an open mind and it will no doubt lead to something. Plus making new single girlfriends rather than just socialising with couples might help.

You sound like my 45 year old SIL who only wants to go out with a professional person with a degree

What's wrong with that?! It doesn't seem too unrealistic a goal.

I wouldn’t specify that I need a man who’s professional or has a degree, I’d just need a man I can have interesting conversations with, talk about anything and enjoy some of the same things I like like art etc. I wouldn’t mind if that turned out to be the plumber, but it’s less likely.

Having said that, my very insecure ex who was definitely threatened by me being as intelligent as him, is a university professor.

If you love running - would you consider joining a hill-running club? That's very male-dominated.
Or doing triathlon training? Lots of both sexes there. You may make female friends who have a male friend who is single. Widening your social world generally wouldn't hurt and would be fun.

I can relate OP - but I do think it's heightened by being newly single. I split from my H nearly 5 months ago and I felt a real need for reassurance and validation that I was still attractive. It's not as strong now and I'm aiming to work on being ok without a man in my life for now. But I don't want to be single forever either.

I recommend joining meetup and seeing what's on in your area. I go on regular nights out with different groups and am loving having fun with no pressure

Also be kind to yourself and do lots of things which make you feel good until you heal

Some weird ideas on here. Many, many men are actually ONLY interested in women who are intelligent, making something of their lives and interesting. Personally, I'd have nothing in common with one of the many women who populate OLD, who have reached 40 but still set profile photos with Snapchat dog ear filters, and think 'banter' is the key to a successful relationship.

However, many of those men also don't need someone in their lives - they're getting on with building awesome lives of their own. So I'm with those advocating pursuing other things that you're passionate about, and you may end up meeting someone there as a happy side-effect. Personally, I know I'm a hell of a lot more likely to meet someone amazing on the side of a mountain than I am on bloody Tinder - and that's because the people who are drawn to that sort of thing are more likely to be people I can share an outlook on life with. Plus, they've got interesting stuff to talk about. So get on with living a brilliant life, and keep your eyes open for someone - but don't let that search for someone define you. Because that's really unattractive.

That’s good to hear Singledad. It’s also why I can’t face OLD and would rather just randomly bump into a fabulous man - but I have to accept the relatively low odds of that.

Also, if you have a bit of money make the most of being single by doing exactly what you want to do. There's something to be said for being free of compromise. I massively want to visit India and walk the Great Wall of China but DH has been to India and doesn't want to go back, and has a knee problem so doesn't want to put strain on it by walking somewhere so strenuous and uneven. Are there places you've always wanted to visit? Sign up for a holiday with Explore or Exodus or similar and do one. You may only meet other single women doing the same but who cares if you are exploring a part of the world you've always wanted to go to. Or you may meet someone with similar dreams.

I don't know, I have a relative (she is now 53 I think), who split from her husband in her mid forties. Never thought she'd find anyone else and she generally felt shit about herself. She did OLD on and off for a good few years and one day happened to meet a lovely guy on one of the sites. They just married and are off on honeymoon as we speak. She used to say she'd never find anyone else and she absolutely has! Never say never I guess.

Formerbabe

It excludes many good men. My SIL has dated many men who IMO are successful e.g. owned couple of properties, had own business, reached senior level without qualifications but she still thought they were uneducated and beneath her. Her ex earned twice her salary but she made him feel shit for not having a degree.

Most of the men in my family flunked their O'levels and went to work as apprentices at 16. By the time ALL of them hit mid 30's they were running their own businesses. My SIL, despite her good quals, is not too good for any of them.

If I was single now I'd be really open minded as you just don't know whose going to be the one that makes you feel wonderful. He could be a different race to you, 5 years younger or 10 years older. He could be tall or small. He could be a brickie or a banker.

I don't specifically want someone with a degree. I've never actually had a relationship with anyone with a degree. I have dated and had relationships with many manual workers and others who worked in office based roles but without degree type qualifications.

And I can say that with one exception at some point every single one told me I was too clever/ too much of a challenge/ used overly long words / was intellectually intimidating.

I think it's perfectly fair enough for OP not to want a man who complains that she uses long words. Good grief, how old are they? No one stopped them increasing their vocabulary in adulthood. OP, you deserve a man you can talk to freely, using language that comes naturally to you including words of more than one syllable!

OP I think posters who have said (a) that you're still in mourning and (b) you should take a bit of time to develop your own interests might well be right. Once you're feeling a bit better about yourself and have something positive to focus on you're more likely to meet someone who likes you for what you really are. ( I don't know whether this is correct, but a very lovely and empathetic friend of mine used to say that 'if you feel attractive you will be attractive' Certainly, I think that being relaxed and confident helps.). Presumably you have a degree and/or a professional qualification? If so, have you followed up social opportunities offered by your university alumni society (there are usually lots of those), or thought about going to conferences/annual meetings/ talks for members/training seminars etc offered by your professional body? That way, you stand a chance of meeting someone who you might consider intellectually compatible.
I know two mature couples, very happily married, who met on house-party-plus-study holidays (all were proficient amateur musicians - there must be the equivalent for other special interests). Finally, don't neglect good old evening classes - I know of three separate couples who found each other there.

I'd consider hillwalking except I live in a very flat part of England Nothing even vaguely resembling a hill for miles around. I know friends who did Nordic walking, but it was all female or the odd bloke over 65.

Triathlon is not for me, I have a lifelong phobia of water which means I don't swim and as well as triathlons or similar also rules out stuff like kayaking, sailing and so on. I know 2 couples who met on sailing holidays but that's not for me unfortunately.

I was single for a long time before I met my ex partner and being single of itself was ok mostly. I do enjoy my own company. But trying to meet someone via dating sites was just AWFUL. It was one of the things my ex and I always said that we never wanted to have to do all that again because it was so horrible. I honestly never met any man who seemed to value me or see my worth. I knew my worth but they seemed to think I was just an easy lay, or someone to be negged.

I do have options. I still do holidays with my DC at the moment and probably will for another 2-3 years at least. But after that yes I can go on my own.

@Rosehip10 I don’t think mentioning her senior role is evidence of her being judgemental. In my experience senior staff are older than the majority of other employees so that rules out a large chunk of her colleagues as potential mates. They also tend not to work in such close proximity to as many people and making friends with colleagues can be more difficult. The dynamic of dating someone from a significantly different pay grade could also be awkward.