To think I might honestly be single forever?

[Singlestpringle]

Yes I know that being with a man isn't the be all and end all. I have a professional career which gives me an interesting and relatively well paid job, I own my own home, my DC are (young) adults. I'm in good health, and having lost weight recently and toned up am slimmish (size 12 though I'm aiming for 10) and relatively physically fit. Although the only family I have are my DC I do have several groups of friends.

I am recently single again after a relationship of several years ended. I thought he was the man I'd be with forever, we had our next 20 years planned. I knew my future as much as you can, and now I don't.

While we were together although I felt apprehensive about my DC moving out as inevitably they will in the next few years, I knew that he and I would have our life together. Yet now I'm thinking shit I'm going to be on my own, rattling round in this house like Miss Havisham.

I tried internet dating before I met my ex partner and it was years of awfulness. I can honestly say that apart from him, in 5 years I didn't meet one honest, respectable man. Plenty of pervs, fuckwits, ghosters, commitment phonics, you name it. All they had in common was a lack of respect for women. So there's no way I could ever put myself through that horror again.

Which leaves randomly meeting someone - can't happen at work, I'm too senior. Local pubs etc men are not on my wavelength to put it politely. Sports- all the men are 20 years older or younger. Or married.

I'm not 'ready' to meet anyone else yet. In truth the thought of even kissing anyone other than my ex makes me feel ill. At the moment and for the short term I like my life on my own. But if I look forward 5 years or 10, it fills me with dread to think of coming home to an empty house night after night.

I know a bad relationship isn't better than none. I know I am better off than many. Most of friends ARE in good relationships though and have been for 20+ years. But I can't see it happening again for me realistically. AIBU?

I’m guess you might be around the same age as me (I have young adult dc). I’m not single but I do know a fair few single/ divorced men of my age. They do exist it’s just a case of meeting one you like. It will happen at some point if you are open to it. Accept invites to social occasions and keep doing the things you enjoy.

I'm really not high maintenance or fussy. I do have a low tolerance level for bullshit. But I am a loyal friend and partner. I don't expect lavish gestures - I have friends who say I should meet a rich man to spoil me...that's really not my bag!

I'm fairly well educated, I'm not rich by any means but I'm comfortable. But both these things have sooner or later been a problem with almost every man I've ever. Either they haven't liked that I earned more than them, or had a career, or used long words. The kind of men I'd meet in local pubs describe me as a bit 'posh' - whether because I have a degree, or don't do drugs, or use the word cunt in everyday convos. This is why I say they are not on my wavelength, nor am I on theirs.

The reason I say I'm senior at work is because I am. I'm not the CEO or anywhere near but within our dept of 200 or so I'm at managerial level. So I couldn't get involved with anyone junior to me. All others at managerial level are married or female. Or both! In the wider company obviously there are 1000s of people but it is not the sort of organisation where people meet/ mix outside their dept and indeed until a few years ago workplace relationships were forbidden. I'm not trying to brag just to explain why I can't expect to meet anyone at work.

In answer to age questions I'm 46. I've been single for most of my adult life. However I had my first DC at 25 so I only ever lived on my own for a year at 24. Since then it's always been me and DC and sometimes partner.

And tbh I don't like the idea of being here on my own. I can't have pets - well I can't have a dog. I hate cats. So it really would be just me and it just feels a bit lonely. My local friends all have husbands so I fit in around their plans as a couple. It's that thing of if I fell down the stairs living on my own who would find me...how long before anyone checked on me. That kind of thing plays on my mind

I would agree with joining groups for shared interests (yes go for ones that attract at least some men!). You'll hopefully meet some interesting people and you've got time to see if anyone is potential partner material without the stress of being on a date. Plus it's not the immediately judgement on looks and age you get on OLD. My mum met her lovely partner that way while in her mid fifties.

How about getting a lodger OP?

I think it helps to grow a group of friends who aren’t just all in couples. I have married friends but I don’t socialise with their husbands most of the time, we do things together without partners too so I never feel like I am 3rd wheeling

Honestly op, it's like a crime on here to want a relationship. If someone is happy single, then that's great but lots of people are much happier in relationships and that's fine imo.

I wonder if there's an easier way of internet dating whereby you can weed out the pervs and fuckwits?!

Jesus the comments! OP wants a partner in her future. Some people thrive being alone. Others want a partner. Just like some people want children and some people would rather have a dog. Why do people denigrate people's desires just because it doesn't match up with their personal philosophy on life?

There's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and putting what you want out there in the world and expressing your intentions.

OP you are still grieving the loss of your love. It's normal to start panicking. Give yourself some time to heal. I promise time will make it better.

Don't dwell on the negatives right now. Soothe your brain by saying something to yourself like: 'Right now I'm going through a really challenging shit time, but I know eventually it will get easier and one day when I'm ready, I'll love again. I'm not ready right now, but one day I will be.'

Say this to yourself everytime you get those negative panicky thoughts about the future. Then concentrate on yourself.

Give yourself the attention you need, and time for your heart and head to link back up together. One thing I believe is that our brains and intuition are amazing. If you take enough time to listen, it will tell you what you need. Follow it. Do the things that feel good for the foreseeable future. It can range from a simple walk around the neighbourhood in the evening or a new book, or a new interest or pursuing an old one. When you feel a bit better, draw up a list of things you are interested in. And after that, the attitudes/habits/virtues your partner lacked (no ones perfect) that you would choose to have in a new man. Was he untidy? Think about a tidy guy - you get the idea. But only do this when you really feel ready. This helps you see the relationshop more pragmatically whilst opening up possibilities for new objects of affection to emerge.

As for dating, rather than online dating consider a match making service. But chances are when you are truly ready (ironically usually when you've fully adapted to being single) you'll meet someone - probably a few.

Hugs and wishing you the best

But, I would allow yourself to "grieve" for your relationship and get used to your single (for now) status before rushing to meet someone

I have to say I don't really subscribe to the 'if you really want a man you'll find one' theory - I was single for years and did want to meet someone and didn't, well not for 5 years. And I definitely tried during that time!

I don't really have any interests other than running which I already do. I did join a book club a few years ago but it folded due to lack of interest (it was all women though). What sort of interests do people have? Genuine question as I don't know anyone who does anything in their spare time other than gym, exercise classes etc.

I personally feel that there is nothing wrong at all with being worried about being alone, but that can lead to you making poor rash choices of partner. OP doesn’t sound like she will settle for less, so that’s not what I am saying. But so many women in good positions financially secure and who have good lives tend to attract less desirable men who are looking for an easy ride. This is pretty common. So it’s demoralising to have to keep weeding them out and wondering why you can’t meet a normal one. Most of the good ones are pretty settled themselves and aren’t always very obvious so it can take some time. While you are waiting to meet that good guy, it’s a really good idea to plan your life around being single and not get too miserable about it not happening, because you can’t really control who you meet but you can control everything else

It’s ok not to want a pet. I have found a LOT of happiness with one I didn’t expect (a dog) but it’s not for everyone

I feel the same OP, I’m only 31, but I have so far only managed to have two fairly short relationships. I really want to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with, some people don’t need that, but some of us really do.

I’ve met someone really nice recently through a mutual friend, it is hard to meet normal people elsewhere without them being drunk or online.

You're not going to fill the hole in your soul with a man. You state you're lonely and bored - so find something for YOU - everyone knows that you can't expect another person to fill your life.

Single, 46 here, hoping if I'm very lucky I will remain that way.

Try booking a holiday for solo travellers? By choosing your itinerary you are kind of guaranteed to meet people on your wavelength. Focus less on meeting a partner, just meet great folk. You will feel less worried about your future.

I'm really really not rushing to meet anyone. My expartner expected me to go straight out on the pull because he intended to but I can't think of anything I'd want less. It's not that I'm lonely now...I'm fine on my own with my DC. But 5 years when they've moved out, thinking I'll be completely alone, that doesn't feel good.

Best approach is probably not to think too far ahead I guess. At least for now.

Best approach is probably not to think too far ahead I guess. At least for now

Honestly? I think that’s wise.

I think @BeckyWithTheSplitEnds is spot on. Sounds like you need to widen your horizons and social circles on your own.

Get some friends who are single and spend some time on your interests that involves meeting new people. Go traveling. There are groups that arrange trips for singles. Join a running club, loads of social stuff around that. If you work in a large company, even if you can't have relationships within your own department surely there are inter-department social events. If not, start arranging one. Find another book club. What else do you like to do in your spare time?!

I'm a naturally solitary person. I've always preferred doing things by myself. I enjoy it more.

Some people don’t find anyone though.

Some people have a long term relationship/marriage and then divorce or their spouse dies.

No guarantees in this life OP. All you can do is be happy in yourself really. I get that you want to find someone and that’s completely normal. But how would you feel if you didn’t? You’d be okay wouldn’t you. You’ve got DC, a career and you said you are comfortable financially.

I'm happy in myself to an extent. But I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. The next few months, yes I'm happy to be alone. Even the next few years. But the next 10, 20...I do want a relationship.

It's what most people want. It's why most people are in relationships. I know a few single people. Most people my age are not single however. So the majority of my friends are married/ in LTRs.

A lot of people are in average / unhappy relationships though. Sometimes I wonder if anybody is ACTUALLY happy.

Most of my friends are unhappy in their RS and it is really sad

You never know about tomorrow.

I know a lot of genuinely happy couples. I do have a couple of friends where I do wonder why they are still married, but by and large most are actually happy. Not perfect, but happy.

I do understand about it being hard to find a man when you are professional/senior and “use long words”. I’ve encountered the same problem even though I’m not really that well-off - men, even those who see themselves as modern and feminist, resent it deep down. The two men I have been with long-term both ended up with women much lower-earning, lower career status and with English as a second language! Someone said smart men like smart women a lot less than smart women like smart men.

I am one of those who likes being alone so although I would like the companionship and intimacy sometimes, i’m not too alarmed - though maybe when my dc leave home it will be harder. But I always think then i’ll be able to travel, join clubs and go to things and get out there more, so it might be easier. But he’d have to be amazing to be worth it.

I do think you can do things that make it more likely. Gym, try new sports like kayaking or climbing, hillwalking group, learn an instrument and join an orchestra, or a choir, volunteer doing something that men might attend, like conservation?

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I spent a long time being single in my 30's and it is lonely, even when you have friends.
Someone suggested a dating agency, I think that's a good idea (when you feel ready). Also cookery classes, music classes etc, possibly an equal balance of male and female.
It sounds like as your DC are young adults you may have the time to spend learning something completely new that will open up different social circles.
You're still young! YANBU to want someone to spend your life with.
Also, in the meantime, give cats a chance!! They are adorable pets and I would've been lost without mine when I felt lonely. 😽

I've been trying to think of the clubs / groups all the single men I know have joined. I live in an area where a lot of first time buyers or the newly single (age 26-46ish) live as quite affordable to buy on your own here. So the result is a quite social community. Anyway, list so far:

Whiskey society
Beer club
Board game group
Gardening and plant swap Facebook group
Community/local area Facebook group
Art club
Freelancers weekday lunch club
Writing group
Meetup.com
Local fete / community market committee
Pub music night
Volunteering at local homeless charity
Park run
Dog walking group
A local charity project that tries to stop loneliness in old people
Tennis
Football
Annual pickle making competition at local pub!

A lot of the women have joined the WI (I swear it's cool now!)

Do you have a local community college? There might be some interesting night courses too.