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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't know what we are waiting for...

90 replies

JMel · 20/07/2019 18:24

Hi everyone,

So to set the scene, I was a single mother for a long time, my son will be 10 soon, I had him at age 21 (had a massive haemorrhage after birth and nearly didn't make it).

3 years ago I met a wonderful man, no children of his own. He's 35 and I'm now 31. When single I was indifferent to having more kids, I suppose I was just trying to keep going and keep a roof etc, but when I met him he wanted kids and I have come around to also want more, now that we are very comfortable and I can imagine such things!

We are currently not seeing eye to eye on marriage and kids, we both want both, really want both. However I would marry him tomorrow wearing a sack in a registry. He thinks we need loads of money to get married, or for him to even ask. He wants us to be financially stable. Same answer regarding kids.

Now, dear reader, I class us as extremely financially stable. I own my house outright (no mortgage) and we have a household income of over 50k a year. I say to him we are beyond lucky in our position (it is all quite new to us both, 3 years ago we were not in this position at all, but I inherited enough money to clear my mortgage and he started a business which is now very successful, he gets dividends from shares each year on top of his income) but he never thinks it is enough to have kids. He seems terrified of not being able to afford to support us all. And I just know I raised my son on next to nothing and he never went without, so to me it makes no sense.

We are also not getting any younger, I am terrified of having more kids too late in life, since at age 21 it nearly finished me off, the risks are obviously higher in your 30's and I don't want to push my luck. He is just so focussed on the money and cannot see it any other way, but also he cannot say what counts as "enough".

I feel like my life is being dictated by an unknown quantity, he says he will know when te time is right, but that to me seems so unfair. His younger siblngs are all getting married and having kids and they have mortgages and lower income than us. What can I do?

As a side not he is the most amazing step fater, has encouraged me to take a break from working so I can focus on my son and his wellbeing as much as possible (he was having a tough time last year) and he is happy to pay for everything for my son and I, which was hard for me to get used to but he is beyond caring and an amazing role model. He just does not seem to understand the whole life passing us by while we wait for "enough" money (whatever that is!). I don't think there ever will be an amount that is enough, because it is such a loose goal.

TIAx

OP posts:

Lightsabre · 20/07/2019 18:32

Have you given up work? Perhaps he is worried about being the only breadwinner?

Original poster

JMel · 20/07/2019 18:39

Yes, he insisted I give up work for multiple reasons, the main ones being that where I was working was toxic, and also my son was having a hard time and needed me at home more. So as we didn't need the money he said he wanted to me stop and to let him support us

OP posts:

F2Feee · 20/07/2019 18:49

Nah dont be fooled op. The money thing is an excuse. You are both in a very good position. In fact better than many people who get married and have children. Seems like he is stringing you along. I also think having you leave work is a red flag.
If money was so important and he wanted to really marry you, then wouldnt he want you to work so you get there quicker?
Red flags to me

BackforGood · 20/07/2019 18:51

If he thinks you don't have enough money, when you own your own house outright, then you will never have enough money.

As you have demonstrated, dc are brought up all the time on very limited budgets and do very well. It doesn't sound as if this would be the case for your future dc though.

thetimekeeper · 20/07/2019 18:58

I don't buy it either. Not even slightly.

And I'm inclined to agree with pp about him encouraging you to stop working.

groundanchochillipowder · 20/07/2019 19:02

Sorry, but please go back to work. This guy is stringing you along and it's never a good idea to become financially dependent on an unmarried partner. Just never.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 20/07/2019 19:06

I'm afraid he doesn't want to marry you. Go back to work and prepare yourself for the day he meets someone that he does want to marry. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've seen it too many times and frequently the woman has wasted the rest of her fertile years in waiting for her partner to agree that now was the time. Do not depend on this man, he will let you down.
If he was serious about your long term future together, he wouldn't be making excuses about everything needing to be right before he could propose. No proposal is needed, just agreement and booking.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 19:09

I don't trust his reasoning either. I also think it's a terrible idea for you not to be working and being financially independent. Get back to work.

BestZebbie · 20/07/2019 19:58

Also, when you get married you will need a will that ensures that your son benefits from your house if you die before your husband, so he can't get cut out.

Sc0neCreamJam75 · 20/07/2019 20:05

Do you have a pension

If you work for an employer, they pay money into your pension for free
You are missing out on all this money

You are NOT married, why have you stopped working

You need to financially protect yourself & your son
Who will pay for your son's holidays, driving lessons, further education etc

Even with no mortgage, you are financially vulnerable

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2019 20:17

Get yourself back into work. Presumably your ds is at school most of the time?

MissLadyM · 20/07/2019 20:20

Sorry but red flags everywhere for me...

Time40 · 20/07/2019 20:35

He doesn't want to marry you and have a child with you, OP. The money thing is just an excuse. Sorry. And I also think you should get back to work.

moimichme · 20/07/2019 20:35

I agree, OP, this seems like a precarious position for you and your son. Take care of yourself and him, first, always.

Ginger1982 · 20/07/2019 20:48

Silly to have stopped work when you're not married. I think he's stringing you along here.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 20/07/2019 21:11

I have never before posted on a thread like this one, but posting now to say, please go back to work OP! You are very vulnerable in your current situation.

Littlejets · 20/07/2019 23:18

Please go back to work, even if it's only part time x

Tallgreenbottle · 20/07/2019 23:24

He "insisted" 🙄

OP look for the wood instead of at the trees. He is not a nice man. He is shaping you just how he wants you.

Get your job back. Stay self sufficient. Don't be a bloody fool.

babysharkah · 20/07/2019 23:25

So he's controlling you financially? You need to get back to work.

BlackBirdInMyGarden · 20/07/2019 23:28

How much money did you inherit and is it your house that the mortgage got paid off on? Where did he get the money from to start his own business?

Original poster

JMel · 21/07/2019 00:09

Christ, you're a negative bunch aren't you?

So, first things first, he is not controlling me financially. At all, in any way. He offered to financially support me and a child who he loves as his own, but is not his own. It makes me sad that none of you can comprehend this. We have our own bank accounts, and we have joint accounts for bills and spending, and he does not dictate when or how I can use them. We save together, we enjoy holidays together, we make plans together. There is nothing nasty in our relationship, he considers his money to be our money. He has a will that leaves everything he owns to me and my son.

The job I was in last year was very detrimental to my mental health, due to a very toxic and manipulative work environment, and was not beneficial to our household, stress wise, and we didn't need the money. I think you've all misunderstood me when I say he insisted, I mean he insisted he was happy to be the sole breadwinner if I wanted to leave a toxic environment, the choice was very much my own. Separately to this my son was having a horrific time at school and with his biological father, and has benefited enormously from me being at home full time in the holidays and not spending my weekends catching up on housework. This has meant the world to my partner to see his step son completely change back to the happy chap he used to be, with our joint support.
He is the kindest, most selfless person I have ever met.

Where he got the money to start his own business, is none of your business. However I'm sure you will all decide it was somehow dodgy if I dont explain that he is one of 4 equal business partners, with equal shares, 2 of whom finance the operation and the other 2 put in their time (it is a very specialist profession, that the financiers can't do)
Equally it's none of your business how much money I inherited.
I am not stupid enough to give someone else my inheritance, I own my house solely, he does not. I did not give him any money for his business. I worked bloody hard for a long time on my own to pay off the majority of my mortgage, and the inheritance sorted the last of it. I am also not stupid enough to not have a will leaving my son everything I own.

None of these scathing questions and accusations have been in any way helpful. I feel very sad for all of you, and I'd hate to have such a negative outlook. I'm not naive, he very much does want to marry me and have children with me, but financial stability makes him very nervous, he has no idea how much money you need for these things. I was feeling frustrated and actually, you have all just proved to me how lucky I am to have someone so supportive of me, my son, and my ambitions. And actually, I have found someone amazing, who is the first man who has not tried to take advantage of me.

I wish you all the best and hope you can all find enough happiness to cancel out your astounding cynicism. Roll those eyes and wave those red flags all you like, I am so very loved, even if he isn't perfect x

OP posts:

Snappedandfarted2019 · 21/07/2019 00:16

You need to take the blinkers off op. If he wanted dc he would if he wanted to get married he would it's all excuses.

PositiveVibez · 21/07/2019 00:23

If he's so bloody amazing and wonderful and loving and generous and wants to marry you and wants to have kids - then why are you on this forum?

Deep down I think you know he's not the catch you actually hoped he would be.

He is stringing you along, but you're too blinded by his wonderfulness to see it.

Encouraging you to pack in your job IS a red flag, whether you want to see it or not.

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/07/2019 00:27

The fact he won’t marry you or have another child is related to finances.

Does he live in your house and pay bills ?

If he does you are leaving yourself wife open to him claiming some of your house.

Whilst everything seems happy now you have to put yourself in a scenario 10, 20 or 30 years in the future.

What happens if his company suddenly goes through the roof and he becomes a multi millionaire.

You aren’t his wife.
He could just up and off with someone he met a few months before. And claim 1/2 your house.

If he wanted to marry you he would.

Being cynical you probably don’t cost a lot and he doesn’t have to pay rent. Of course he seems generous

BillyJowel · 21/07/2019 00:31

You know what, I wrote a really helpful reply.

But then I deleted it.

You need to wake up.

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