I don't know what we are waiting for...

[JMel]

Hi everyone,

So to set the scene, I was a single mother for a long time, my son will be 10 soon, I had him at age 21 (had a massive haemorrhage after birth and nearly didn't make it).

3 years ago I met a wonderful man, no children of his own. He's 35 and I'm now 31. When single I was indifferent to having more kids, I suppose I was just trying to keep going and keep a roof etc, but when I met him he wanted kids and I have come around to also want more, now that we are very comfortable and I can imagine such things!

We are currently not seeing eye to eye on marriage and kids, we both want both, really want both. However I would marry him tomorrow wearing a sack in a registry. He thinks we need loads of money to get married, or for him to even ask. He wants us to be financially stable. Same answer regarding kids.

Now, dear reader, I class us as extremely financially stable. I own my house outright (no mortgage) and we have a household income of over 50k a year. I say to him we are beyond lucky in our position (it is all quite new to us both, 3 years ago we were not in this position at all, but I inherited enough money to clear my mortgage and he started a business which is now very successful, he gets dividends from shares each year on top of his income) but he never thinks it is enough to have kids. He seems terrified of not being able to afford to support us all. And I just know I raised my son on next to nothing and he never went without, so to me it makes no sense.

We are also not getting any younger, I am terrified of having more kids too late in life, since at age 21 it nearly finished me off, the risks are obviously higher in your 30's and I don't want to push my luck. He is just so focussed on the money and cannot see it any other way, but also he cannot say what counts as "enough".

I feel like my life is being dictated by an unknown quantity, he says he will know when te time is right, but that to me seems so unfair. His younger siblngs are all getting married and having kids and they have mortgages and lower income than us. What can I do?

As a side not he is the most amazing step fater, has encouraged me to take a break from working so I can focus on my son and his wellbeing as much as possible (he was having a tough time last year) and he is happy to pay for everything for my son and I, which was hard for me to get used to but he is beyond caring and an amazing role model. He just does not seem to understand the whole life passing us by while we wait for "enough" money (whatever that is!). I don't think there ever will be an amount that is enough, because it is such a loose goal.

TIAx

good luck i really hope it goes well oh & btw my mum had her perfect healthy last baby 2 months before she turned 40 so don't worry you have plenty of time lol x

You don’t both really want marriage and kids, I’m afraid. He’s keeping you dangling on a string until he decides it’s the “right” time.

Stop kidding yourself

Biologically I do but who wants to start with nappies again with a 15 year old hahaha!
But whatever will be, will be :) x

So much lolling

OP, if you were happy you wouldn’t be on here in the middle of the night trying to find ways to get him to pop the question and being so very defensive when people give you their advice.

I anticipate a “why are people on MN so meeeeaaannn” thread from you soon.

If he wanted to marry you he would. You wouldn’t need to be delicate or find ways to tackle him being a “tricky beast”. Men aren’t complicated anymore than women are. When they want to get married they do.

Indeed. What will be will be, when he wants it. You don’t have any cards to play here. That’s what people are telling you.

But you crack on. Just don’t say you weren’t warned.

How can he not be the best at proper conversations?? Maybe you’ve misinterpreted the one’s you’ve had so far

So much eye rolling. Miserable bunch

I'm not sure how any of this is supposed to be helpful. But trust me, this is my first and last ever MN post! Haha

I'm made of tough enough stuff to stand by my convictions, I thankfully dont need to prove to miserable women on the internet that I'm very happy, because I just am! X

Wake up op!

Hesdintheclouds

I did explain what I meant about the serious conversations, he clams up due to fear of losing people if he says too much or gets cross x

I have read and seen many such relationships. A man is in a relationship with a woman for some. He waits for the ‘right’ moment to get married. The relationship drags on for years. The ‘right’ moment never comes. Relationship ends. Man proposes to next girlfriend after a few months together. It wasn’t the right moment he had been waiting for all along. It was the right person for him.

he has no idea how much money you need for these things

Can't he work it out from the fact that you've brought up a child on much less, his siblings are getting married and having families with less money, and indeed that, the world over, people who have much less money are getting married and having families successfully?

I thankfully dont need to prove to miserable women on the internet that I'm very happy, because I just am!

Yep. You totally sound it.

I'll be off now anyway, I don't feel any of this is productive. It was indeed my mistake for feeling frustrated in the moment and posting online. Lesson learnt. Try to cheer up to those who need to. Thank you to those who decided to post from a kind place.

Why is there a danger of him getting cross during a conversation about the marriage and kids he so desperately wants? The conversation where you have to plan your approach delicately?
He’s not avoiding awkward conversations because he’s afraid of losing you if he says too much, op, really, it’s because he doesn’t want to have them full stop

he clams up due to fear of losing people if he says too much or gets cross

Another 🚩. What a brilliant way to never have to talk about anything he doesn't want to. Being emotionally unavailable when YOU need to discuss something that is serious and important to you.

Just to say JMel if you ever do need advice and support because you’re worried or scared or desperate this is a great place. Loads of people have masses of experience and practical advice if you do decide something’s wrong.

I've never seen a poster more unsuited to MN 🐍 lol! Hahaha x

Goodness me, definite win for the rudest poster ever on MN.

And all the lols and Hahahahas, barely literate as well as rude.

People responded with genuine advice and/or concern, and OP responded with insults and put downs.

Me think she doth protest too much.... Fantasist and liar springs to mind. Off you trot to your blissfully happy life 🙄 which caused you to register and post on line in the middle of the night. You've been treated very kindly here, far kinder than your rudeness deserves.

I think some of it was a bit too close to home starks, and she got defensive.

He’s not convinced about children and marriage but he knows he can keep up the status quo which seems to work for you both.
He has nothing to lose if he doesn’t marry you.

Not rocket science to see why he’s not proposing.

Why are you wanting to marry him? Can you give an honest reason, You both seem happy enough with the relationship as it is.

You do need to earn your own money regardless.

He sounds absolutely wonderful. Perfect. And it sounds like you have a really supportive and equal relationship, where both of your views and opinions count equally, which is great 😀. ..

Apart from, you know that fact that it’s up to him if/when you get married. And also up to him if/when you have children. Oh, and also up to him when/if you have enough money to live the life that he wants to. 🙄

So he decides if you'll get married, and when. And you can't have a conversation about it, because his parents were once divorced.

Awesome. Good luck op.

Wow op. You need to stop being so defensive. You DID ask. It does sound like he's avoiding marriage and kids, for whatever reason. Clearly you're financially stable so his money excuse makes no sense and does raise some questions. You're response was a little OTT and strange considering you asked for advice and got some honest responses 🤔

You don't come across as very nice, accusing everyone of being miserable and almost jealous of you for your 'perfect relationship' which, from your OWN description, doesn't come across as a very nice relationship. if you described the situation badly and painted an incorrect picture of your relationship in your OP then that's really your own fault. But to be honest it doesn't all sound perfect - having someone avoiding marrying or having kids with you doesn't sound that perfect and people are just trying to help and responding to what YOU wrote.

If he's already supporting you all financially I don't get what his deal is about marrying you. It can't really be about money so it must be something else.

And some posters have been negative because time and time again women post here about men who have left them with no protection due to being unmarried. It's not actually being nasty to point out the pitfalls, it's being caring.