I don't know what we are waiting for...

[JMel]

Hi everyone,

So to set the scene, I was a single mother for a long time, my son will be 10 soon, I had him at age 21 (had a massive haemorrhage after birth and nearly didn't make it).

3 years ago I met a wonderful man, no children of his own. He's 35 and I'm now 31. When single I was indifferent to having more kids, I suppose I was just trying to keep going and keep a roof etc, but when I met him he wanted kids and I have come around to also want more, now that we are very comfortable and I can imagine such things!

We are currently not seeing eye to eye on marriage and kids, we both want both, really want both. However I would marry him tomorrow wearing a sack in a registry. He thinks we need loads of money to get married, or for him to even ask. He wants us to be financially stable. Same answer regarding kids.

Now, dear reader, I class us as extremely financially stable. I own my house outright (no mortgage) and we have a household income of over 50k a year. I say to him we are beyond lucky in our position (it is all quite new to us both, 3 years ago we were not in this position at all, but I inherited enough money to clear my mortgage and he started a business which is now very successful, he gets dividends from shares each year on top of his income) but he never thinks it is enough to have kids. He seems terrified of not being able to afford to support us all. And I just know I raised my son on next to nothing and he never went without, so to me it makes no sense.

We are also not getting any younger, I am terrified of having more kids too late in life, since at age 21 it nearly finished me off, the risks are obviously higher in your 30's and I don't want to push my luck. He is just so focussed on the money and cannot see it any other way, but also he cannot say what counts as "enough".

I feel like my life is being dictated by an unknown quantity, he says he will know when te time is right, but that to me seems so unfair. His younger siblngs are all getting married and having kids and they have mortgages and lower income than us. What can I do?

As a side not he is the most amazing step fater, has encouraged me to take a break from working so I can focus on my son and his wellbeing as much as possible (he was having a tough time last year) and he is happy to pay for everything for my son and I, which was hard for me to get used to but he is beyond caring and an amazing role model. He just does not seem to understand the whole life passing us by while we wait for "enough" money (whatever that is!). I don't think there ever will be an amount that is enough, because it is such a loose goal.

TIAx

Netmums might be better suited for you op

Massive red flags here too. Make sure your house is in your name only band find a job.

It's generally good advice to maintain your own financial independence OP, especially if you're not married, so that's why people are suggesting you get another job.

I have to say I'm confused about why the choice was between and awful job you hated and not working at all. Why wasn't it a choice between the awful job you hated and another job/career?

As for not wanting to get married and have kids, it does sound like he's making excuses, maybe he just doesn't feel ready but is using the money as an excuse because he doesn't feel he can say he's not ready.

3 years is really really really not a long time to know you can trust someone to be 100% dependent on them, even more when their business is as premature.

You either need to look at being more independent financially, go back to work, one bad experience doesn't mean all will be, or accept the risk of finding yourself with little in 5 years time.

I expect what er he tells you, he doesn't like you being fully dependent on him financially. He probably encouraged you to give up your job as he didn't like seeing you miserable, ut with an understanding that you'd go back to looking for work after a certain time. He doesn't have the balls to tell you though because he knows you really don't want to work, just want to be a SAHM with the security of marriage.

He is probably happy with this but wisely think that waiting a bit longer to ensure he can do so with his business stronger and you not suddenly turning into a person he doesn't know. Sadly, this an happen when things are not all rosy any longer.

Be patient, you are still very young, plenty of time to have more children.

Op,
I’m
Sure he’s lovely, but if you get married you are handing over half your house to him. Is he bringing the same amount of money to the relationship in terms of property or money?

I don’t get the red flags either. I’m similar to your partner in that though I’m comfortably off, I never feel as though I am, and I never feel as though it would be enough for me to have kids. (A wedding would be different as that’s a quantifiable sum.) It’s nothing to do with my love for my partner, who luckily doesn’t want kids so it’s not a problem.
I think you need to both sit down and discuss what you want from life, and if you want different things, you’ll have to decide whether you’re ok with that. You can’t push someone into doing things they aren’t comfortable with. It’s hard.

My husband is one of those that constantly worries about money and wanted certain things in place before we had children. However he then met me, we were engaged after two weeks, married after 6 months and then I got pregnant on our honeymoon. We sold both our houses and moved country in our first year of marriage.
What I'm trying to say is, you have to sit and have a chat. Make sure you are actually both on the same page about what you want out of life (wether that includes marriage and children) and get on with it. You are in great financial shape and life is for living-this is not a dress rehearsal! Explain to him that if you want to have a child together, you want to get started now as biologically things can be more difficult the later you leave it. Good luck op!

If he didn't want to be here, he wouldn't be enthusiastically attending my sons sporting tournaments, and teaching him to code and build robots with his spare time. He wouldn't spend hours playing mine craft even though he finds it beyond tedious.
He wouldn't rub my feet every night and buy me flowers for no reason, he wouldn't have sent my best friend a card (unpromted) to congratulate her for passing her degree

Hardly costing him anything.

I think this is to do with money.
I am friends with a couple who got married at 18 and started a business which went through the roof.

Whilst she then took time off to raise the children he was in the business 24/7

He would love to divorce but because she was there at the beginning lawyers have said he would have to pay her half of everything. He won’t so they live virtually separate lives.

Your oh i think is looking to the future. If he marries you now whilst the business is in its infancy and at some point in the future the business takes off then he is going to have to pay you off.

I think your oh has a problem with money.
I think he is actually quite mean. I would be interested in why his previous ltr broke up.
(From the other gfs)

He has moved in with you because you have your own unmortgaged house and you don’t cost a lot. Now he is paying the bills so even if you don’t marry he is starting to build a claim to your house.

It isn’t that we are being horrible but a lot of posters have been in similar circumstances to you and know what could be coming and are trying to warn you.

@jmel I haven't read all the previous posts as I got the general gist of what was being said. You dont need to defend yourself.

I was in the same position as your DP. I earn 60k plus and my DH around 30k (in a career where it will increase). I still worried we didn't earn enough. However my age (mid 30s) was the driver as I was concerned if I left it too long I may not get pregnant. We now have one and are financially fine! I would like a second but the same worries about finances are playing on my mind. Again, DH is saying we are financially fine (we plan to have our mortgage paid off in the next 7-8 years too!)

For me, the concern was having grown up in a household where, on reflection was comfortable financially (not rich but ticking over) but having a DM that constantly fretted about money and (rightly or wrongly) would tell me about how much they were spending every month and not knowing where the money was going made me constantly concerned about having enough. I wonder if theres something in your DPs past that could explain his potentially unfounded concerns? Truth is, if he is this worried, I'm not sure what you can do to change his mind. For me it was my ticking biological clock but obviously this is slightly different for men.

OP it isn’t traditional to move in with a woman who already has a child. It is not traditional to be with someone for years before knowing if they are the one you want to commit to or not.

Do you really want to have a child with someone you have to tiptoe around for difficult conversations? A newborn blows everything wide open. When he’s not pulling his weight or you’re paying for everything for the baby you’re going to be ‘approaching things delicately’ because he’s painted himself as this poor person who’s so scared of losing everyone if he talks about his feelings which gives him license to behave as badly as he wants.

A wedding might cost a lot but a marriage doesn’t.

Sorry OP I haven't had time to read the whole thread but from what I have read maybe if you are now able to work even if it's just part-time he may feel more comfortable financially and then be more open to the idea of setting a date and trying for a baby? I think you need him to give you an answer as to when he will feel comfortable starting? Like a set figure of how much he wants in the bank? It all seems very 'wishy washy' he doesn't have forever.

I can understand feeling defensive if you feel as though people have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and have not interpreted your first post in a way that you think reflects your situation. But...that's sort of the point in people asking further questions.

Nobody has to share more in a post than they feel comfortable with of course, but its a little dramatic to start making extremely hostile remarks to posters and saying what they ask is none of their business when it's you that has come to post and already offered details - like yearly household income, for example .

I also wonder why you have taken so much offence. That to me is quite worrying as it isn't particularly appropriate to what was said to you. It's normal to feel defensive of a loved one if you think people have misunderstood and to clarify. To go on an all-out attacking stance where you insult people and call them names - it's quite an extreme reaction, and not one I would expect from someone who is truly calm, happy, secure and settled in their relationship overall.

I think given all that, the only advice I could offer right now would be perhaps to point out what other posters have said to your partner - that you already have a breadwinner / SAHP situation.

Or another option would be to get your own income going again - maybe that would help him feel less anxious about being the sole earner.

My husband puts things off because he is always chronically worried about money (however much we actually have).

He also tries to control us with the ol' "this conversation is triggering for myself due to my terrible childhood" line.

I loved him very much in the early days. Now, not so much.

A man who you have to approach with caution on topics which impact massively on your life... Well, I live with one, and it's fucking miserable.

I agree. If he wanted to marry you he’d marry you. Either way, I’d recommend getting a job. You have made yourself financially vulnerable.

Hmm....now what rhymes with LOL