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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is Husband re bottle feeding?

87 replies

Pipanchew2 · 20/07/2019 17:28

DC is EBF - 10 weeks. I’m starting to feel pretty trapped and exhausted from round the clock feeding and would like DC to take a bottle every now and then so that I can have a bit of baby free time to myself. I’m not saying I want to leave DC for long but would like to be able to meet a friend in the evening or go out during the day for a couple of hours without worrying that DC is starving.

I’ve tried DC on a bottle a few times recently and he really wasn’t keen so I know it’s going to take a bit of perseverance to get him to accept one. I’ve suggested to DH that he needs to take a lead on teaching DC to bottle feed as he’s be the one doing it when I’m out.

DH responded that he doesn’t see why he should be the one teaching DC to bottle feed as I’m the one that wanted him to take the bottle. He also said that surely most other mothers that EBF put up with being tied to their babies and it’s normal for me to not be able to have more than a couple of hours to myself. Is he right? AIBU?

OP posts:
HorridHenrysNits · 20/07/2019 17:31

No, he's being a twat and he should be grateful that you did all of it for the first 10 weeks. Feeding the baby is both of your responsibility.

Isadora2007 · 20/07/2019 17:34

Sorry. I put yabu as I can’t disagree with your husband- most EBF mums do kind of just have to suck it up for the first wee while. And persevering with something that upsets your tiny baby for you to get a few hours enjoyment isn’t something I’d be comfortable with either as the other parent. Sorry. Your baby is only tiny for a short while but your social life will still be around...

Lazypuppy · 20/07/2019 17:35

You dh needs to he doing the bottle not you!

I had to leave the house the first few times while dd (then age 2 weeks) got used to it. Once sorted, i could then give her bottles as well

QuietBatperson15 · 20/07/2019 17:36

Ha! He clearly is much happier having zero responsibility when it comes to feeding. Babies often take a bottle better from someone who is not the Mum. You are definitely not being unreasonable. He is being unfair and I have also EBF and know how tying it is. Not being able to get a break can make you resent it.

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 20/07/2019 17:38

YANBU! You don't say if it's formula or expressed BM. I ebf my son for 6 months but I did ask his dad to give him the occasional bottle that I expressed just to have that extra freedom. DH was happy to. It's very hard to do it yourself.

@Isadora2007 I think you're being very harsh.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2019 17:39

No he should be bottle feeding so you can have a sleep
Is he doing anything else with the baby?

SteadyAreYouReady · 20/07/2019 17:39

It’s his attitude that stinks about it all
Baby will probably know you are on tap(they can literally smell you) so it’s going to have to be him?
Why is he avoiding any responsibility - surely this is a joint effort where possible

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/07/2019 17:40

Hes being horrible

It doesnr take much empathy to realise that not being able to go out anywhere where you might get stuck in traffic, to have to be available 24 7 even when you're ill, to be the sole thing keeping your baby alive, to not be able to drink or make an appointment to get your hair cut and blow dried incase they overrun, is a complete mind fuck

If he was more supportive and you didn't feel as trapped you would stick to it longer

Secondly its often difficult for the mother to initiate bottle feeding, when the baby sees her he just wants to breastfeed. So if he doesnt help you then he is cutting off your only chance of a break

Does he not want to spend time alone with his baby? Is that going to be the attitude when it comes to everything else - well you want them to do maths more than I do, so you teach them numbers. I'd prefer them to scoot rather than cycle so you teach them to ride a bike.

Yanbu. And he is being a twat

NabooThatsWho · 20/07/2019 17:41

He’s a parent too! I wish my DD2 had taken a bottle, never getting a break was terrible for my mental health. Tell him to step the fuck up.

sycamore54321 · 20/07/2019 17:45

I am utterly shocked at the poster above who agrees with your husband. It is entirely up to you how much or how little you use your breasts to feed your baby. Your body, your breasts, your choice. I’m horrified that anyone, especially your husband, would try to oblige you to use your body in a way you’re not comfortable with. Choosing to bottle feed for one feed a week or one a day or three a day or every single feed ever is entirely your choice. I am almost as shocked at a (presumably female?) poster on a board that is supposed to support parents and especially mothers, agreeing with him that you may never have a single hour of a break.

I think the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding are vastly overrated, and fail completely to take into account the mother’s mental health. You know that, for you right now, you would benefit from the occasional evening off and it’s horrifying that your husband and at least one poster above wants to trap you and deny you what you need for yourself. Shocking.

I’m sorry your husband is an unsupportive caveman. You are definitely not unreasonable. I hope you can find a solution. Best wishes

Lazydaisies · 20/07/2019 17:49

I was the same as you OP. I would have been really annoyed if my DH hadn’t supported my odd time away. Your DH is taking you and the work you are doing for granted and being dismissive. I would feel very unhappy if I were you and I would be sharing that with your DH.

HappyPunky · 20/07/2019 17:50

Babies take bottles from other people because they hold out for breast milk if their mum is around.

Even if that didn't happen it's his baby too and if you need a break he should give you one. You shouldn't have to ask him.

MissB83 · 20/07/2019 18:47

An EBF young baby probably won't take a bottle from mum because they can smell the boob and want that! Even now my 17 month old DS just wants boob milk from me but he will happily drink 5oz formula with my mum.

PixieLumos · 20/07/2019 18:59

You’re absolutely not unreasonable for wanting a bit of time to yourself - you’ve essentially had a baby attached to you for 2 and a half months. But I don’t really understand why your husband needs to be ‘taking the lead’ with teaching your DC to take the bottle. Can’t that be a joint effort?

feelingverylazytoday · 20/07/2019 19:06

Pixie people have already explained why. The baby will smell breastmilk on the OP , and either be confused or reject the bottle completely if she suddenly tries to give him/her a bottle. It's common practice for someone else to give the first few bottles, and the father is the obvious person, being the other parent.

Valkarie · 20/07/2019 19:12

Ds1 was milk obsessed and would take a bottle from anyone at any time. Except me. No way I could get him to do that when he knew I had the boobs.

pointythings · 20/07/2019 19:13

YANBU, OP, and I exclusively BF both my girls - too lazy to do formula.

But EBF does tie you to them, and you are allowed a bit of time to yourself. And if your DS won't take a bottle from you (mine wouldn't either, they weren't even keen on expressed milk at nursery and held out for me when I was with them) then your DH needs to step up.

I have a lot of friends who mix fed successfully for a long time from about the same age your DS is now.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/07/2019 19:16

Of course he's being a twat, but the worst thing about all this is that you needed to check whether expecting the father to spend an hour or two alone with a child that is 50% his is reasonable.

Cannyhandleit · 20/07/2019 19:19

He is being a twat! On many, many occasions I declared I did not want to bf anymore or I wanted dc to take a bottle...... and every time dp said 'whatever is best for you'. I didn't throw in the towel, I kept going for 13 months and knowing that he was behind me, supporting me and sometimes just agreeing with me made it all a whole lot easier!
He needs to understand that you need to do what is best for you and your mental health and if that means him stepping up to help with feeds then that's what he's bloody well got to do!

Lovewineandchocs · 20/07/2019 19:19

I’d imagine he’d soon be complaining if he wanted a night out with you or to go away for the weekend and you couldn’t because your baby wouldn’t bottle feed. If you are planning to breastfeed for a while, I think it’s really beneficial to all of you to get your baby used to taking a bottle-expressed breastmilk, occasional formula, whatever. My DD was a bottle refuser but we persevered gently and were so glad we did as it meant it was so much easier for grandparents and others to look after her occasionally. And your DH probably should be the one to get your DC to take a bottle, he’ll just look for the boob if you are there Grin

sycamore54321 · 20/07/2019 19:20

Who are the dozen or more people voting that you are unreasonable? Could they explain their train of thought? I’m hoping they have just misread the OP or voted the wrong way, otherwise it’s horrendous to think “parents supporting parents” in this case is a group of posters supporting a hisband overriding a woman’s bodily autonomy and in a possible abusive relationship dynamics. It’s horrific that support for breastfeeding can lead to some horrible anti-woman positions.

Praiseyou · 20/07/2019 19:23

When he can produce milk, he can have an opinion on breastfeeding.

Specialkay1983 · 20/07/2019 19:24

I wish my DS2 had been combination fed as he is now 9 months old and never took to a bottle so think it’s important that you persevere as honestly I am exhausted with not having more than 2/3 hours sleep for the last 9 months (well more of you count the rubbish sleeps during pregnancy 🙄).

They do say that babies take bottle better from others than the mum so would definitely give that a go. My DS2 was stubborn and point blank refused to take a bottle from anyone even if I was out but think I didn’t do it enough for him to get used to a bottle. It is important for your own mental health to have some time to yourself though.

Hope you get it resolved.

Hadalifeonce · 20/07/2019 19:24

When I wanted a similar thing, DH said that DD probably wouldn't take the bottle from me as she cold smell me and would want the breast; so he took over completely, I didn't get near her when she was hungry, he did it all.

GummyGoddess · 20/07/2019 19:27

Hm, I think you are being unreasonable to expect baby to take a bottle as it's pretty well known that breastfed babies are resistant to bottles.

However I also think your DH is unreasonable for refusing to help. It might fail but he should either help or have his freedom curtailed as much as you.