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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is Husband re bottle feeding?

87 replies

Pipanchew2 · 20/07/2019 17:28

DC is EBF - 10 weeks. I’m starting to feel pretty trapped and exhausted from round the clock feeding and would like DC to take a bottle every now and then so that I can have a bit of baby free time to myself. I’m not saying I want to leave DC for long but would like to be able to meet a friend in the evening or go out during the day for a couple of hours without worrying that DC is starving.

I’ve tried DC on a bottle a few times recently and he really wasn’t keen so I know it’s going to take a bit of perseverance to get him to accept one. I’ve suggested to DH that he needs to take a lead on teaching DC to bottle feed as he’s be the one doing it when I’m out.

DH responded that he doesn’t see why he should be the one teaching DC to bottle feed as I’m the one that wanted him to take the bottle. He also said that surely most other mothers that EBF put up with being tied to their babies and it’s normal for me to not be able to have more than a couple of hours to myself. Is he right? AIBU?

OP posts:

DennisMailerWasHere · 20/07/2019 19:28

I don't think your DH understands how tied down you are whilst bf. Maybe he could shadow you for a day and you can show him. Need to nip to the loo, darling? Should have thought about that before latching, stay still. Getting dressed and want a single nice top on? Nope. No access to tits, choose again from a smaller selection. Need to make a phone call but stuck on hold for 20mins? Baby is screaming the place down after a nap.

Apart from anything, aside from it being totally unfair to pressure you like this... It's also dangerously fragile.

You will need to feel like you have freedom to choose to be away from baby at some point.. you may never exercise that choice for years, but what happens if you're stuck in traffic? Ill and in hospital? Wanting an evening meal out but need to make sure family carers can feed baby?

By sticking to your husband's attitude (which, frankly, us easy for him because it doesn't involve his body) you're consigning yourself to being 100% available, next to your baby for months, years maybe until weaning.

Which is all fine if you want it, but it's hard even on the folk who do choose it.i think your DH hasn't the slightest clue about what he's telling you here, or the impact on you.

How can you show him that not having total responsibility for feeding his child is an unfair pressure?

LenoVentura · 20/07/2019 19:29

I tried to introduce a bottle to DS2 at about the same age as yours OP, but no dice. HV said it's best to try in the first 6 weeks because after that they're pretty set in their ways. DS2 fed round the clock till weaned at 2.5 yrs and it was utter hell. Yes, convenient not having to take bottles etc when going out, but that was the only upside tbh.
You need your DH on side as it's unlikely your DC will co-operate as really, what's in it for them?

TheCraicDealer · 20/07/2019 19:31

I think the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding are vastly overrated, and fail completely to take into account the mother’s mental health.

Could not agree with this more. 10w is great going, and it's natural that you should now be thinking about feeding longer term now you're out of the newborn fug. One of the reasons I'm a bit ambivalent about BF this baby is that I don't want to be solely responsible for feeding her. It'll be less stressful for me and her if she's able to happily take a bottle from her DDad, DAunt or Grandparents should I not be available for whatever reason.

It sounds like he's being incredibly lazy and shortsighted. Like another poster said, if he sticks to this tact you'll not be able to go for a night out or leave baby with anyone for any length of time until he's realistically nearly weaned. Talk about cutting his nose off to spite his face.

Praiseyou · 20/07/2019 19:31

persevering with something that upsets your tiny baby

@Isadora2007 does this apply where babies find it difficult to latch and are crying from hunger? Would you advise a breastfeeding mother to give up breastfeeding because the baby is upset?

Cannyhandleit · 20/07/2019 19:31

We introduced the odd bottle to my dc when he was 10 weeks old, he wouldn't take it from me but would take it from dp so although it might not be easy it does sometimes work!

ethelfleda · 20/07/2019 19:32

When he can produce milk, he can have an opinion on breastfeeding

This.
DS was EBF too. DHs attitude was to not have a say in the feeding side but support the breastfeeding relationship anyway he could. If that meant giving him a bottle, he would have done it. He is still the same now DS is 20 months - and still wakes in the night to nurse. He says whenever I am ready he will help with night weaning. I think his attitude actually helped me to not use bottles to be honest - as I did ‘feel’ trapped if that made sense. He gave him one bottle of breastmilk when he was 6 weeks old and I went out with colleagues for a Christmas meal. Other than that I would go out between feeds.

PixieLumos · 20/07/2019 19:33

@feelingverylazytoday that’s fair enough, and I wouldn’t question that then at all - but it wasn’t the OPs reasoning in the original post, she said he would be doing all the bottle feeding so he should teach their DC - not an easy task at all and quite a leap from not being involved with the feeding at all, so mutual support would be best.

Celebelly · 20/07/2019 19:33

God no, YANBU. I am BF my DD, who is 5 months now, but I would find it very hard if she didn't take a bottle. We introduced early because she had issues latching so she had pumped milk in a bottle for the first three months or so, and will still happily take one now. I've managed to have a few evenings out and have plenty of lie ins where DP can feed her and it makes a huge difference to know I'm not 'trapped' and can leave them to it!

Malyshek · 20/07/2019 19:34

YANBU, OP, and I exclusively BF both my girls - too lazy to do formula.

Too lazy ?! I chose to do formula because it is so, so much easier. Also other personal reasons, of course, but I can't see how breastfeeding would ever, ever, be easier.

OP, don't give your husband a choice. Go out, leave the baby with him, and he'll just have to suck it up and do his part.

Stuff like this makes me so happy to be a single parent (by choice)

MonkeyTrap · 20/07/2019 19:34

Your husband is being extremely selfish. My DH gave my baby a bottle of expressed milk from two weeks in the evening and it helped maintain my sanity no end. I’m still BFing now and he’s four months but I can leave him and he’ll take a bottle.

Your baby has two parents and there’s absolutely no excuse for your husband not pulling his weight.

MonkeyTrap · 20/07/2019 19:35

Also - pp re BF babies being resistant to bottles is rubbish. I’ve known plenty of BF babies happily take a bottle. Took some persistence with my own DS (about four days of giving it and taking it when he was upset) but once he took it he was fine.

Sandybval · 20/07/2019 19:36

Would probably have more luck with your DH doing it as baby won't be able to smell your milk, I'm sure you know this already but make sure to use a slow teat so that they still have to work for it.

Celebelly · 20/07/2019 19:38

@Malyshek i think it just depends on your definition of ease. I agree that FF is probably easier to start with but it certainly isn't easier for us now breastfeeding is established. No making up bottles in the night or before we go anywhere, no sterilising and washing bottles, ability to be spontaneous and not have to think about whether I have enough food for the baby. It's incredibly easy now and that's from someone who had a rough time of it at the start.

Formula feeding never gets any easier, but for a lot of people breastfeeding does after the initial 12 weeks or so.

But it's just about what you find easy I guess. I'm lazy so BF works for me as I don't have to get off sofa or out of bed when she wants fed

flumpybear · 20/07/2019 19:38

Oh how wonderful to dump total responsibility in your wife .... he's being a shitty rubbish parent - he needs to daddy-up and man-up as well as husband-up ... other than that he's 'perfect' 🙄👀

Celebelly · 20/07/2019 19:40

Try a Minbie teat. It's the only one my DD will take happily and a few friends with breastfed babies have had the same experience.

Praiseyou · 20/07/2019 19:41

she said he would be doing all the bottle feeding

No, she didn't.

WomanLikeMeLM · 20/07/2019 19:42

Well if thats the case leave baby with DH for a few hours and let him crack on being a knob. No if no buts, start as you mean to go on. Who the hell does your husband think he is.

NameChange30 · 20/07/2019 19:43

YANBU. Your husband is being V unreasonable.

I breastfed my son almost exclusively - he had the occasional bottle (of ebm or formula) but I never gave him a bottle myself. The whole point of the bottle was for someone else to feed him! DH introduced the bottle when DS was about 1 month old. I kept out of the way each time he tried. He did take the bottle (with a bit of persuasion) although later went through a phase of refusing it so DH had to persevere with different teats etc and he took it again eventually.

Tell your husband to do his share of parenting his child!

WomanLikeMeLM · 20/07/2019 19:43

@Isadora2007

Purpleartichoke · 20/07/2019 19:45

I don’t think he is wrong. However, if you need a break, you need a break. If baby is going to take a bottle than it will almost certainly work better if you are not nearby. So after expressing his opinion, he should comply with your request for help.

Mammyloveswine · 20/07/2019 19:45

My baby wouldn't take a bottle for ages until I tried the NUK bottles with the latex teats! She took to those instantly!

Also it's easier for the non-lactating person to try w bottle as they don't smell of breastmilk...

Your husband is being very unreasonable (and a bit of a twat).

Hugs OP, breastfeeding is truly amazing but bloody exhausting especially in the early days! And I've fed all my children past 2!

ElizaPancakes · 20/07/2019 19:48

OMG I am raging on your behalf! What an absolute shitbag!

Honestly I'd hand him a bottle and the baby and tell him to deal with it, I'm going out and I'm NOT telling you when I'll be back. Learn how to be a parent and not such a selfish piece of shit.

@Malyshek I really cannot see your POV! Boob out - feed baby; or, steralise bottle, measure formula, make sure correct temp, feed baby, then wash and steralise bottle again. No point to this just can't believe it!

Celebelly · 20/07/2019 19:50

Y'know, I am sick of reading about men on here who are so unwilling to parent their own children. Perhaps I'm a cow, but I didn't even think to ask DP or give him a choice - I told him 'I am going to sleep for a few hours' or whatever and that was that. He's not here to 'help out' - this is his daughter too and he should want to be in a position that he can care for her and do his share. Today, for example, she'd had a bad night as she has an eye infection and is a bit sore so he took her at 5am and I woke up at 10 to her having being fed, dressed, had a nap, etc. I didn't have to ask him or negotiate, he just did it because she is his daughter and he should do 50% of the parenting too.

PositiveVibez · 20/07/2019 19:50

And persevering with something that upsets your tiny baby for you to get a few hours enjoyment isn’t something I’d be comfortable with either as the other parent.

Holy shit!!! When you've took them shackles off your feet and removed your hairshirt, please allow yourself some fun. Mums are entitled to a break fgs.

firstimemamma · 20/07/2019 19:50

Yanbu but introducing a bottle at that age might affect your supply.

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