My mum call me names everytime she is unhappy

[Elsahappy3]

Hey I signed up because I would like objective opinions , and maybe mums' point of view on who is being unreasonable.

So I have always been an angry person who has a big ego. As a child I used to cut my own hair in the bathroom, always fight in classes. I am now 26 , and trying to work on my sh*t personality. I have been doing great. I know I need to stop over thinking about what others think or my past mistakes; to stop asking my family to help me make decisions ; or get so defensive about criticism.

A bit of context. My mother and I never got along , since childhood ; and I resent her for never caring about me. She is a muslim and unfortunately I am more of mini-skirt person. She is OK with it as long as nobody sees me with her in the street.

Last night , my sister and I had an argument. I was shouting ( which I regret deeply). My mum got involved and did not ask me what was going on. She told me straight away to apologise to my sister , which I refused. When I asked her ( calmly) why she comforted my sister but not me she started getting a very angry.

So I am 26 , and live with my mum ( I know it's pathetic but I am really struggling to find a job). I used to live in another city , and my mum used to manage my money & student loan because I was scared I won't be able to. She tried to convince me not to me , I have a disability and she was tellinf that it would be too hars for me. I had 2 bank accounts , and she used to transfer me money from my other bank account and she used to use my money. I was happy studying away , I came back home after studying for 6 years last year.

So about last night , so when she got angry. She again called me a slt , whre. And went " You want to know why I did all this when you were young ? I hate you"... she opened the door so everyone could hear and then again called me a wh*re. She knows I am sick of being single , she told me " Who'd want to be with a whore like you ? Nobody" or about my struggle to find a job " you probably will end up in the street being a prostitute". I am used to her calling me those names , she always does everytime she is unhappy with me.

And I know I have my fault in this , I get angry easily too. But I never use insults.

But what really really hurt me this time , is that she spat in my face. And told me to kill myself. She used to hit when I was a child but never did it during my adulthood. What I don't understand is that when my sister is back in her home , she insults my sister but all of a sudden when she is there she loves her sooo much.

I did not cry and shout during the argument with my mother , so she carried on shouting at me. How I probably get drunk everytime I go out and fck guys ; how I will never get married because I am a prostitute. Apparently she knew from my childhood that I will be a btch. My mother does not talk to any members of her family ; and her relationship with my siblings is love then hate 6 months later.

I am struggling to cope today , but she is talking to me normally and asking me what I want to eat. I know it's my fault for not learning how to manage my anger sooner ; but she never tells me any constructive. Everytime she gets angry she won't tell me why, she just call me names and remind me of my past mistakes, or tell me how I am just like my dad.

What do you think ? I am struggling to cope today and as always just cry like a child. I am immature ; and have no willpower. I cry cry and cry.

Thank you all

You have no confidence because you are letting her control it and, because she's batshit, she's using the situation to manipulate you into believing that you are nothing. You need to take the power back. Take control of your own money to start with, sign on, get a job, any job to start with. It will get you away from her and allow you some independence. Eventually you will find a better job and be able to move away altogether. Then go no contact. Take baby steps, you can do this, you're just letting her tell you that you can't and never will. You deserve better and it's not too late to start.

Why won’t supermarkets hire you? It’s not your lack of experience, honestly. It’s something you’re doing in your application.

Are you tayloring your CV to different roles? Supermarkets don’t care about your university studies so leave them off. Pubs usually offer trail shifts to see if you’re any good, go off one evening and try one.

I know it's hard even getting a job in Tesco. They have an online assessment which is quite tricky to pass (google the answers).

You could do with building up your confidence. Is there anyone from your uni past (old flat mate for example) who could help house you, even temporarily?

Whereas my 62 year old aunt who hasn’t worked since she was 26 just got a job in a well known department store (newly opened branch) they were desperate for people (she’s great honestly ) where there is one you won’t get, they’ll be one you will. It just can’t be that there is no one who will hire you for that one reason. You need to think about the way you do the applications

Don’t blame yourself, it sounds like you’re constantly reacting to her horrible treatment of you. If you’re being assaulted and abused can you contact a women’s aid charity for support? This can’t go on. You’ll get a lot of support on here, you can change your life.

Does anyone here have useful info on Muslim women’s aid? I’m wondering if they’d be more useful?

Your mum has failed to be a good mother to you and has abused you. You’re aren’t a bad, stupid person. I really, really would recommend you ask your doctor to refer you to a counsellor because an outside perspective on all of this would help you see it all differently. At the moment you seem to think her abusive reactions are because you’re not so great as a daughter, when actually your issues are because of her. I really, really do feel for you, OP.

It must be so difficult for you when your mother is slowly destroying your soul.

Set yourself small goals, so everything doesn't seen so unattainable. Maybe you could start off by looking at your CV - there's loads of advice online, there might even be some here in MN. Once you know that's right, make your next goal - responding to job ads, handing out your CV on spec etc. Another goal could be to make an appointment with the jobcentre, to find out if you can claim anything; JSA, ESA (you mention a disability), Housing Benefit etc.

Small, managable steps that you can accomplish, should help to build confidence in your own abilities.

The spitting on my face is the limit , I can't let anyone spit in my face.

I tried discussions but she never listens to me and then she will tell me " I fed you , took care of you , if you were back home your disability would have killed you.". It's true I was a hard child to raise , what type of kids cut their own hair in the bathroom ? She let my step dad abused us , and once he stopped giving her money she kicked him out. Once she hugged me and it felt so so weird and uncomfortable. She lies about me and says I am a nightmare to live with. And because I am known to be "sensitive" some of them believe her. So she uses that. But it's not true , I am not that person anymore.

And once my sister will gone ( she lives in another country) she will start talking badly about her too. And tell me how her anger was because she felt manipulated by her and she is sorry.

SteelRiver

Thank you for the advices , I will. I apply to any job now tbh. I let go the dream of being an engineer.

Honestly, all the small children I know have cut their own hair at some point. It’s perfectly normal. Most mums are just shocked, then have a quiet talk about scissors.
I shaved my eyebrows off with a razor I found in the medicine cabinet. It’s part of growing up, being experimental. Not something to worry about or even punish more than very mildly.

Herocomplex I did it everytime I was angry ; I would also scratch my skin until it bled. And all i was getting was " Can't you be like your siblings" and then she would slap me in the face or hit me with her shoe.

OP, try these people, they will have a good insight into situations like yours.

aanchal.org.uk/

They are a charity for women experiencing domestic abuse from any family member, particularly women in Muslim and Asian families.

Much of your problems lie in the abuse at your mother's hands and you really need to get out so that you can rebuild your confidence and life. Good luck. ❤️

Oh Elsa you weren’t being bad, you were desperate for love, so were turning your pain in yourself. You were a child. It’s not your fault.

Your mum sounds like the one with the major issue here.
I have arguments with dd who is your age and lives at home but i would certainly never call her names or spit at her. You are a victim of abuse and childhood abuse too. Thats why you cut your hair and acted up, probably you were desperate for help and love. I m sorry you didn't get a normal mother s love.
Now you need to become independent. See the job centre for help with a job, they will give you links to companies that accommodate disability.
I think you are understandably depressed so can you see your doctor and explain this?
Sometimes they can write to your local council to help with supported living accommodation.
I think it would really help you to be away from your family, they are why you feel so worthless.
Let me tell you you are not worthless and marriage isnt the be all and end all of your life.
You are still young you can change this.
I also feel your (justified) anger is being used as a weapon by your mother.
Who wouldn't have anger issues after childhood abuse?
Get some counselling if you feel it would help having someone listen to you.
I know I m just a randomer on the internet but I really do wish you well.

You've described my mother.

Living with her was pure hell. Constant drama, gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical abuse, constant criticism and negativity - unless I was doing what she wanted and pandering to her. Then I'd be the best daughter ever and out of guilt she'd buy me expensive gifts.

And then take them away the next time she was angry, saying it was evidence I was ungrateful.

Urg.

Honestly OP, you have to get out of that house. You HAVE to find a way. Once you're out and settled, independently, you'll be able to begin to sort yourself out.

There's nothing wrong with you, you haven't got a shit personality and you deserve better.

OP, this isn’t your fault. Ok so you were shouting at your sister - that doesn’t mean you deserve to be abused by your mother, which is what is happening.

I honestly think any job and independence would be better than living with her. You need to get away from her abuse.

Jeez op, it’s all so horrific. Your mother plays you like a fiddle, winds you up then let’s you go in front of outsiders so you look like the bad person and she no doubt gets sympathy for having such a difficult daughter.
You were not a strange or difficult child, all children are a little odd and hard work at times, I cut my hair as a child, as did my DD, she cut hers and then her toddler brothers!
Do you have any friends at all who could give you their sofa to sleep on temporarily?
I feel for you so much but have no idea how you can get out of your situation without a job.
Apply for every job you can, whatever it is, once you are independent you can take your time and find something else.
I’m so hoping somebody on here knows a way out for you.

Elsa, the cutting of the hair, the scratching of your face - you were self harming. You were expressing as best you could, your inner turmoil - and no wonder.

Your mother is being and has been, pyschologically, emotionally, physically, and financial abusive towards you.

She has isolated you.

I don't know what the answer is here. I do know what the problem is. It's not you, you poor love. It's the person who should have loved and protected you, not hurt and shamed you.

Just wanted to send you hugs Elsa. My mother was just the same.

Stay strong Elsa. As a pp said work on your exit plan.
You are worthy of so much more than the life you are living now.