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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite this child?

83 replies

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:12

Big birthday party coming up. We plan to invite a lot of people as large venue.

I have invited this child for the past 5-6 years. They RSVPed yes each time, but only turned up once. Present sent afterwards each time and an implausible apology.

We weren't invited to their party for the past few years. Awkwardly, a mutual friend asked us this year if we were going, to which I said we weren't invited.

If I don't invite them (but invite lots of mutual friends) it might seem like a snub. But then I don't want them to think I am just inviting said child for a present (which I'm not, I want guests to be present, not bring presents). It seems like for whatever reason they don't want to come to my child's party.

As a background, and so as not to drip feed, their child has some additional needs, but we have made it clear we can accommodate them, and they do go to other parties (so it's not parties per say that are an issue).

Aibu not to invite? I'm probably overthinking this.

OP posts:

SagAloojah · 19/07/2019 14:17

Given they have accepted but been no-shoes 5 out of 6 times, I think it’s safe for you to not invite them.

They make have reasons for not coming (SN challenges etc) but you made it clear you can accommodate the child’s SN so there’s nothing else you can do.

SagAloojah · 19/07/2019 14:17

No-shows not no-shoes!

CareerChaos · 19/07/2019 14:20

All of those actions sound like they come from the parents.

You are inviting the child not the parents, I have relatives with additional needs and when they don't get invited we have to answer the question "was i not invited because i'm different?" and it is heart breaking.

Maybe they struggle with parties, it's nice to be invited so they don't feel excluded.

Laiste · 19/07/2019 14:21

How old is the child now?

If it's a big venue with lots of guests i'd still invite them. It's probably not the child's choice to go or not to go, that's in the parents hands, but it's the child that might be hurt if they find they have been left out.

Mummyshark2019 · 19/07/2019 14:21

Invite the child.

Laiste · 19/07/2019 14:22

x post career

Paddingtonthebear · 19/07/2019 14:22

I wouldn’t invite in this scenario. I wouldn’t worry about them feeling snubbed, they have been a bit rude not turning up to your party on multiple occasions and they also haven’t invited your child to their party for several years. They don’t see a close friendship here. Nothing to feel bad about, that’s life!

S1naidSucks · 19/07/2019 14:26

If the child has additional needs, she/he may really want to come to the party, but as the party approaches they may be overwhelmed and refuse at the last minute. The parents may be making excuses, because they don’t want the child to be treated differently, due to their inability to cope with the thought of actually going to the party, at the witching hour. Inviting her/him is the kind thing to do and just assume she/he can’t come.

BarbariansMum · 19/07/2019 14:27

You dont need to invite constant no-shows. But - if the cost to you is pretty much the same whether they come or not, and if their additional needs mean that they might like the idea of something but be totally overwhelmed by the reality- then I would consider it. I wouldn't worry about the presents thing - they could always decline the invite.

SquishedPheasant · 19/07/2019 14:27

For what it's worth I'd just invite them. Seeing as you're inviting a lot of people I'm guessing you're not paying per head so you're not going to lose anything by inviting them. If they turn up great if they don't its not the end of the world.

VeThings · 19/07/2019 14:28

Does your DC desperately want this child there? No - then don’t invite.

I don’t know why you’d think mutual friends will give it a second thought - they obviously know this child hasn’t turned up at your parties before and that you have not been invited to their party.

Original poster

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:30

Yes, paying for the venue, not per child. I don't mind inviting them, but wouldn't want to be seen as needy pursuing trying to invite given repeated no shows, or that we are just inviting for a present. I'm not sure if there is a tactful way to say 'no need to send a present over' when your child doesn't come?

OP posts:

Original poster

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:31

Child is happy to have them there, but not desperate, no.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2019 14:33

I would invite if there were additional needs. The no shows may be due to those needs and the intent was to go. If it's not costing you any extra, then keep inviting,

isitwhatitis · 19/07/2019 14:35

Why don't you talk to the parents? There could be issues which prevent the child coming - lack of money for a present (easily solved), something to do with their SN. You won't know if you don't ask.

mussolini9 · 19/07/2019 14:37

If I don't invite them (but invite lots of mutual friends) it might seem like a snub

In the kindest way - get a grip, OP!
They have said they would go to your party 6 times, but only shown up once.
The have not invited your child to their party for years.
Why are you hung up about seeming to 'snub' people who won't come anyway, & to whose parties your child is never invited?

Just invite kids who your child wants to be there, & have a good time!

Original poster

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:37

iswhatitis I'm not sure how to approach the conversation, honestly.

I know money for a present isn't an issue (they are high earners), and send a present along when they can't come anyway. Each time I have said that the present really wasn't needed (and thanked them of course)

OP posts:

ArnoldBee · 19/07/2019 14:38

I wouldn't bother as your child hasn't been invited to their parties.

Leeds2 · 19/07/2019 14:39

Given that you aren't paying per child, and the venue can accommodate one extra, I would invite him. I don't think it would look like you are angling for a present - just being nice.

Laiste · 19/07/2019 14:41

How old are the kids?

Why1990 · 19/07/2019 14:45

For a child with additional needs, it is possible that they intend on bringing the child but then the child is not feeling up to it on the day and so doesn't go.
Also does the other child have big parties or are they small parties and just close friends? Does the child struggle and get overwhelmed with crowds?
I would invite the child

Original poster

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:45

8 years old

OP posts:

TwistyTop · 19/07/2019 14:48

Your child hasn't been invited to their parties for years so I'm not sure why you're still inviting this child. He/the parents obviously doesn't consider your DC a friend.

I really wouldn't give it anymore thought, it's not a big deal.

Original poster

hibbledibble · 19/07/2019 14:50

twisty I think you are probably right, and I am overthinking this. Thank you.

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 19/07/2019 14:51

Maybe the repeated no shows were issues getting the child out of the door on the date of the party... maybe the child wasn’t up for it when the day came, or felt overwhelmed hence the later present giving.

Invite them.

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