To not invite this child?

[hibbledibble]

Big birthday party coming up. We plan to invite a lot of people as large venue.

I have invited this child for the past 5-6 years. They RSVPed yes each time, but only turned up once. Present sent afterwards each time and an implausible apology.

We weren't invited to their party for the past few years. Awkwardly, a mutual friend asked us this year if we were going, to which I said we weren't invited.

If I don't invite them (but invite lots of mutual friends) it might seem like a snub. But then I don't want them to think I am just inviting said child for a present (which I'm not, I want guests to be present, not bring presents). It seems like for whatever reason they don't want to come to my child's party.

As a background, and so as not to drip feed, their child has some additional needs, but we have made it clear we can accommodate them, and they do go to other parties (so it's not parties per say that are an issue).

Aibu not to invite? I'm probably overthinking this.

[ddl1]

If (a) it was a small party with just a few people or (b) the child had no additional needs, I would say don't bother inviting them; the family are clearly unreliable and/or just not interested.


However, under the circumstances, I would tend to invite them anyway, on the basis of what I know, but admittedly that isn't a lot. A decision in either direction has the potential to be slightly socially awkward; but I would rather risk someone thinking that you were being slightly 'pushy' or had invited their kid to get a present, than that you were rejecting the kid because they were 'different'.


It does depend a bit on what the additional needs are. If it's (for example) food allergies, and you've said you can accommodate these, then I think it's not very relevant and you just accept that the child's not that interested and don't invite them. On the other hand, if the child has on-and-off physical or mental health problems then this might be a justifiable reason for cancelling at the last minute. Also: is it possible that there is someone in the child's friendship group who bullies or is hostile to the child in question, and that the family are waiting to know whether that child is coming before making the last-minute decision?


As regards their not inviting your child: are their parties on the same scale as yours, or are they small parties for just a few guests? If the latter, then I would not take that into account. If the former, then it does suggest that they aren't all that interested in friendship with your child, and that there's no real need to invite theirs.

[urbanlife]

It’s entirely possible that the child bails on the day, hence the sending of the gift of they have additional needs. So not their fault, parents could be embarrassed.

Maybe their parties or made up of a very small number.

In this case ( and I wouldn’t usually do this ) I’d definitely invite the child, don’t say anything about presents and fully expect them not to show up.

[HouseworkAvoider10]

You're far too nice.
No way would I invite this child.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Since you’re paying for the venue, not per child I’d invite.

[SuzieQ10]

They didn't invite your child to their birthday party for the last few years, even when you have invited their kid (and they've rudely been no-shows). So no, definitely don't invite this child to yours' bday party.
Why worry about them feeling left out when they have left out yours by not inviting them multiple times already.

[Binglebong]

Any chance you could have a chat with the parents? " I know xxx isn't always able to come, is there anything we can do to make it easier for him?" Awkward to have the conversation but it shows you do want him, not the present. And it might be there is something simple that can be done to enable his coming (coming early so he's not going into a crowd if he's anxious for example).

[IsobelRae23]

Seems like this child doesn’t see your child as a friend, hence the lack of invites.

[F2Feee]

Why would you invite a child that doesnt invite yours? It doesnt matter about the additional needs, does it excuse the parents then from having basic manners. Why is it ok for them to snub your child but you feel bad to treat them the same?

[Pinktinker]

YANBU. I know it’s tit for tat but since they have snubbed your child for years, it’s only right you should snub theirs too. You have tried with them for years and they have only inconvenienced you if anything.

[Yabbers]

their child has some additional needs which is likely the reason They RSVPed yes each time, but only turned up once life with a child with SEN can be chaotic.

It’s no skin off your nose if they come or not.

Invite the child, if they don’t turn up and you feel bad about them sending a gift, send them a note saying you hope everything is ok and please don’t feel they have to send a gift, it’s not expected.

We were in their position when DD was younger. We often got as far as the venue and she decided she couldn’t cope with it. We always sent a gift, as we had already bought it in the expectation this time she would be able to cope with a party. Our stress was bad enough without the thought parents might have thought we were being flaky and ungrateful.

[Yabbers]

Why would you invite a child that doesnt invite yours?

Are party invites quid pro quo? What a ridiculous suggestion. DD has been invited to parties but hasn’t reciprocated an invite. She’s also not been invited to parties but invited those kids to her parties. To her, she invites who she wants there. She isn’t bothered that they might not choose her for their party.

[Waveysnail]

Unless your inviting the whole class I wouldnt stress about inviting

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Under normal circs, I would probably say don't bother.
But given the child has additional needs, I would probably still invite them. The reasons for the no-shows might be implausible to you, but they might be covering for e.g. strong anxiety or something.

If they don't come again, it doesn't hurt you - you're not paying per child so it's not an issue. I doubt they would think that you're just inviting their child to get a present - you've already told them they don't have to do that.

It's a shame your child isn't invited back, but is that the only reason we invite people to parties? I make sure I reciprocate any party invitations that my sons get, but I don't refuse to let them invite children who have had parties they haven't been invited to.

[LL83]

If you are inviting all the children in that circle it would be mean to exclude one.

If the parents didnt want to come they would be more likely rsvp no. As they say yes and dont turn up I assume something happens that morning.

I wouldn't invite the child if numbers are limited as unlikely to show up but that is not the case for this party.

You will appear kind and inclusive in my opinion and parents will be grateful rather than seem needy.

[RubbingHimSourly]

Yabu.

Has the co owner of a child who ha SN I can testify that days can be changeable. And some mornings we get up and whatever is planned for that day is just not going to happen. Parties can be particularly difficult because my son just doesnt cope with them in general. But we always want to try and will never give up on giving him a life.

Those who haven't given up on us over the years have been invaluable. They mean more than they'll ever know.

So I'd send the invite. Maybe including a note that dropping in to say hello if they can't make the full party would be lovely.

[KC225]

They don't sound keen and are clearly not friends - they haven't shown after accepting which is so rude. Your child was not invited to their child's party. Don't give this anymore headspace

[JacquesHammer]

Ah you're paying for the venue just invite them.

I really don't like the idea that invitations have to be reciprocated.

[SunshineCake]

You'd be silly to invite. They don't come to yours, don't invite you, what more clues do you want ?

[gamerwidow]

Invite them, the fact they have sent presents every time shows that they did intend to come but something's happened at the last minute.
I think if they really didn't want an invite they would have just declined every time in the first place.
It makes no odds to you if they show up or not but would be the kind thing to do.

[JingsMahBucket]

Your children aren't friends and they've actually snubbed you 5 out of the last 6 years. That seems like they don't want to be your friend either. Don't bother inviting them.

[JingsMahBucket]

Just because the child has additional needs doesn't mean the family still wants to be friends with the OP. They've had 6 years to prove otherwise and they obviously don't want to integrate the families. SN doesn't permit others to be walked all over by accommodating the need.

[IveNotSlept]

I wouldn't invite them, they've not invited your child to their party for years, on that basis they don't see your child as a close friend to your child. It's nothing to do with any needs they might have the fact they don't invite your child and don't bother to show up to your child's party anyway I'd not give them a second thought.

[Dontfuckingsaycheese]

As a child I would accept an invitation to a party I really wanted to go to but would bottle out at the last minute 🙁 Very frustrating for my mum. My best friend Suzanne accepted an invitation to mine then refused to stay and her more socially outgoing younger sister stayed instead 🙂 What harm can it do to invite this child? You don't look like a present grabber - and I would not consider an apology and a later present a snub at all. Invite, invite, invite.

[itbemay]

@S1naidSucks said. I would invite anyway

[cestlavielife]

It s an 8 yr child.
They always sent present and they apologised
Invite
If he comes or not it doesn't matter does it?