To not invite this child?

[hibbledibble]

Big birthday party coming up. We plan to invite a lot of people as large venue.

I have invited this child for the past 5-6 years. They RSVPed yes each time, but only turned up once. Present sent afterwards each time and an implausible apology.

We weren't invited to their party for the past few years. Awkwardly, a mutual friend asked us this year if we were going, to which I said we weren't invited.

If I don't invite them (but invite lots of mutual friends) it might seem like a snub. But then I don't want them to think I am just inviting said child for a present (which I'm not, I want guests to be present, not bring presents). It seems like for whatever reason they don't want to come to my child's party.

As a background, and so as not to drip feed, their child has some additional needs, but we have made it clear we can accommodate them, and they do go to other parties (so it's not parties per say that are an issue).

Aibu not to invite? I'm probably overthinking this.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I get twisty's point but if it's a big party and it's no trouble to you then on balance I would probably invite the child. If they didn't value the invitation the parents would simply not accept in the first place.

I do think invitations should be reciprocated but with some kinds of SN all bets are off. My guess is that if the parents are going to the trouble of getting a present then the family do value the invitation even if their child can't attend or reciprocate.

[WorraLiberty]

It sounds like you're really overthinking this OP

It seems like it's no skin off your nose so just invite them

[tumbletastic]

Invite the child, they may not come but they may have a valid (to them) reason and as you are not paying per child it's not an issue.

[qazxc]

If they don't invite you or your Dc to parties, they must not consider you close friends. Therefore I wouldn't imagine they would view a lack of invite as a snub tbh.

[Cider4Caro]

As a mum with an ASD child, I can say that the Invite means a lot more to the child and parents than most kids. The child will feel included and the parents will feel gratitude for the acceptance.
Its heartbreaking when my child is excluded, he is different and every day has to approach bigger obstacles than most kids.
If it's a bigger party, send the invite but don't expect them to come. My son was smacked in the mouth by 2 older boys at a party 2 years ago and bust his lip open. Hes scared to go now as he thinks that's what happens at parties. I'm sure the mum will really appreciate the invite, and if your not set to loose financially, then it's not really important if they come.
Just a different side of the coin for you!
Hope your DC has a fab time!

[hibbledibble]

Interesting to see such a mix of replies. Voting says yanbu, but comments mostly say to invite.

[Ticklemeelmo]

I wouldn't bother inviting tbh, they left you off their invites and have barely bothered turning up to yours

[SnuggyBuggy]

If your child isn't being invited to their parties then they probably aren't that close anyway. Everything else is neither here nor there.

[saraclara]

I'd invite. Why not? It's not costing any more, and having spent my career with children with additional needs, I find it quite probable that the no shows have been down to the child's issues.

The reciprocation or lack of might well reflect that child only being able to cope with a small number of people.

I don't really understand the downside of inviting the kid, or the upside of not doing.

[MrMakersFartyParty]

I'm surprised everyone thinks you should invite a child that never invites yours?

[BarbariansMum]

Well I was one of those fence sitters. I dont think you would be unreasonable not to invite, but in your position I probably would (for all the reasons mentioned above).

[saraclara]

I'm surprised everyone thinks you should invite a child that never invites yours?

Child A's parents book a party venue for 30 guests and invite B
Child B's parents have a small party at home for 6 children.

Should children A's parents really expect that because they invited B, that A should be invited to the tiny party? What if children C-Z all had big parties too? Should B's mum have to have a huge party that B can't cope with, to accommodate everyone who invited him to theirs?

[Poloshot]

Absolutely not

[BillywilliamV]

I’d invite them just for the present...

[hibbledibble]

Lol Billy we really don't need more toys. I would put 'no presents' on the invite if my DC would let me!

[BillywilliamV]

I’m not serious, I’d invite them because it’s almost certainly not their fault that they can’t make it and you’re including the poor kid at least.

[hibbledibble]

I know. Fair point

[Rachelover40]

Invite the child, don't worry if she's a no show, at least she'll have been asked.

[AloneLonelyLoner]

I wouldn't invite. SN is no reason to not bother RSVPing 5 times! (And I say that as a parent of a child with SN). They're plain rude. You don't need to make excuses, just a text saying 'thanks, but we can't make it' will suffice. Even on the day they could just text. You've been very understanding, but they seem to be using SN child as an excuse for being rude.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Alonely - you've misread. The parents RSVPs every time, with acceptance, but only actually showed up once out of 5 or 6 times. They sent a present every time.
They're not rude.

[annikin]

Invite. They can always say no, but as mum to a child with sn, it is so nice to be asked! My DD is only asked to 1 maybe 2 parties a year, so really values the invitations she does get (even if she doesn't go to the party)

[SagAloojah]

@ThumbWitchesAbroad being a no-show after accepting for 5 years is rude, especially as they are going to the parties of other kids.

[1stmonkey]

What difference does it make if they come or not? Just invite them... if you know you're going to offend by leaving them out why would you actively choose to do that?

[TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan]

Do people really take it as a snub if a child doesn't attend a birthday party?! Especially one with additional needs who may have a multitude of last minute scenarios that prevent attendance. The fact the parents rsvp and give a gift shows the intention is there, as for reciprocal invites maybe they just invite one or two so as to not overwhelm. As you're not paying per child invite them.

[SagAloojah]

OP hasn't said she feels snubbed. But after 5 years it's understandable if she feels a bit weary, especially as is worried they think she is inviting them in expectation of a present.

It seems the chiod is going to plenty of other parties, in this case, after 5 years, I would not blame the OP for stopping the invites.

I don't them not inviting OP's dc to their party is important in this situation.