...To attend the funeral

[Catscratchfever]

Hello, apologies if this is a bit long but just looking for some advice.

I found out last week that an ex partner had died by suicide.
We split up nearly 10 years ago after I cheated on him- I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Around the time I received some (deserved) messages from his friends and family calling me out on my behaviour. I know he was very low for a while.

We met again at a party a year after the break up and he forgave me, and we stayed in friendly contact for a few years after this- he moved abroad for a bit and travelled, I went back to university. I last heard from him about four years ago. He told me he had had involvement with mental health services but was doing alright. He didn’t reply to my last message, and I didn’t want to push contact if it wasn’t wanted.
In the past few years he had moved back closer to home and had apparently been doing much better- his death has come as a huge shock.

The funeral is next week and I’m torn over whether or not to attend. I would like to go to say goodbye to someone I care about, who I know I hurt deeply. I know he forgave me, but I’m not sure whether his family know this, and I don’t want to upset them more on the day if I wouldn’t be welcome. But then am I making this all about me, when a lot has happened in the time since we broke up (not to excuse my behaviour at the time)?

To add to this, the funeral is 2 hours away from where I live, and I would have to do the journey with my 10 week old and bring him to the funeral.

Would this be terribly inappropriate? Any opinions welcome, thank you.

I wouldn’t

I wouldn’t go. It sounds like your presence is likely to upset a lot of closer mourners, and he went NC/LC with you a while ago.

Up until you mentioned your 10 week old I was going to say go but definitely do not go with a baby, that would be highly inappropriate I would say.

No, please don't go. Maybe light a candle, say your goodbyes to him privately. Perhaps go somewhere you used to both like?

No just send flowers or perhaps find out if the family have set up donations to a charity and donate instead

I wouldn't, particularly with a baby that young. Sod's law he/she would cry if you try to sneak in and go unseen.

Could you visit his grave in a few weeks & say bye that way?

I wouldn't go, sounds like you would cause lots of stress and anguish for the poor family

Really inappropriate and possibly quite selfish.

Don't go.

He's gone.

The funeral is to bring comfort to his family and friends.

You being there won't do that.

I wouldn't and not given the situation and you turning up with your baby

Think you need to consider his relatives' feelings. If they might be upset, then don't go. As it's a suicide feelings will probably be running high - it's not the same as someone elderly dying where lots of things will have happened in their lives.

Definitely don't take a 10 week old to a funeral in any case! That is going to be seen as attention seeking. Only time it might be appropriate is a close family member's funeral and even then only if no one likely to mind.

I think taking your newborn would be highly insensitive to his family at such a difficult time for them

No I don’t think it would be appropriate and certainly not with a baby. It would be too much about you and that would cause distress to his family perhaps.

No way. Leave his family to grieve without potentially being even more upset that you’ve shown up and with your baby.

Send flowers and a card if you feel like doing but please don’t go.

Thank you, I had a feeling it might be more appropriate not to go but didn’t want it to come across like I didn’t care. I’ve no desire to upset anyone so will stay away.

No, I wouldn’t. I would donate if a charity had been named though.

Seriously?

Leave it. Visit his grave at a later date

Absolutely do not go. The funeral is about his nearest and dearest and you are not one of them. I also think you'll probably upset yourself - I think you'll get looks and murmurings and you'll probably end up feeling awful.

You cannot turn

Definitely not with a baby

Absolutely not and not with a newborn. Smacks of selfishness and self indulgence.

Sorry - pressed send too soon. I was going to agree that you can't turn up with a baby under the circs but I see you've already made that decision.

I can only speak from my experience.
When my DDs best friend died very suddenly in tragic circumstances one of his ex's did attend the funeral.
It caused a lot of distress to his family tbh. She had treated him terribly during the relationship, and for a while afterwards. When he died she claimed that they had made their peace and were on good terms when he died. There was no evidence this was true. No one had heard this was the case.
I know seeing her at the funeral bought back all the upset felt in the family that they felt when he was in a relationship with her.
Admitedly there was a much shorter length of time between the break up and his death. Also the bad feeling was greatly increased by things the ex had posted on social media regarding his death. She was ridiculously and constating grief thiefing.
It was a horrible situation for everyone in what was obviously already a very distressing and emotional time.
Could you maybe set some time apart on the day and do something on your own to remember him? Go to a favourite place you shared and mentally say goodbye to him maybe. And send a floral tribute so his family know you are thinking of him.

No don’t go, emotions will be running very high understandably, and I think taking your baby to a funeral in these circumstances is a little insensitive to his poor souls loved ones if that makes sense? You hurt him all those years ago and have managed to move on from that and created a new life since and he is gone forever. I’m not having a go at you for anything by the way, not at all. It just seems a bit on the nose.

No OP don't go and definitely not with the baby .

As others suggested
Light a Candle
Go somewhere once special to you both etc etc