...To attend the funeral

[Catscratchfever]

Hello, apologies if this is a bit long but just looking for some advice.

I found out last week that an ex partner had died by suicide.
We split up nearly 10 years ago after I cheated on him- I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Around the time I received some (deserved) messages from his friends and family calling me out on my behaviour. I know he was very low for a while.

We met again at a party a year after the break up and he forgave me, and we stayed in friendly contact for a few years after this- he moved abroad for a bit and travelled, I went back to university. I last heard from him about four years ago. He told me he had had involvement with mental health services but was doing alright. He didn’t reply to my last message, and I didn’t want to push contact if it wasn’t wanted.
In the past few years he had moved back closer to home and had apparently been doing much better- his death has come as a huge shock.

The funeral is next week and I’m torn over whether or not to attend. I would like to go to say goodbye to someone I care about, who I know I hurt deeply. I know he forgave me, but I’m not sure whether his family know this, and I don’t want to upset them more on the day if I wouldn’t be welcome. But then am I making this all about me, when a lot has happened in the time since we broke up (not to excuse my behaviour at the time)?

To add to this, the funeral is 2 hours away from where I live, and I would have to do the journey with my 10 week old and bring him to the funeral.

Would this be terribly inappropriate? Any opinions welcome, thank you.

I only think the inappropriate thing here is bringing a 10 week old to a funeral. I would send my condolences to the family only if you know they won’t be angry, which it sounds like they will be. I feel like you are blaming yourself for this and going to the funeral will be a goodbye but also closure for you, (by the way it isn’t your fault) It isn’t vital you go - I would wait a week or 2 after and go and light a candle for him in church or wait until he’s buried and when it’s quiet lay some flowers down. I do think you have a right to mourn too, but in the most respectful way you can to his family.

I wouldnt go if I were you .Suicide is a terrible business and some mourners may be unkind to you, as they are feeling raw.You were young when it happened ,and have made your peace with him .You may have feelings of guilt as Rachelover40 says but they are misplaced.

Totally inappropriate and verging on cheeky fucker taking your baby!

I’ve taken a baby to a funeral, but the deceased was an old man and his death expected. In these circumstances I don’t think it would be appropriate to take a baby.
Even without the baby, I don’t really think it’s appropriate for you to attend. A friend died last year, basically from mental health issues, aged 40 and at one point her ex husband had been thinking about attending. We breathed a bit of a sign of relief when he didn’t show up as part of the reason her mental health deteriorated in the beginning was because of their split. Let his family and close friends have their goodbyes at the funeral. You have yours privately.

Kudos to the OP for listening to the advice she asked for and taking it so well on board. After all, that's what an advice board is for.

I'm not buying the CF protestations. That would be the case had she said: 'I'm going anyway and taking the baby despite the upset this may cause others, because I have a right to be there'. She hasn't written any such thing.

OP, condolences on the death of your friend. I hope in time the fact that he'd forgiven you and the two of you had reconnected will bring you some peace surrounding a manner of death which is generally one of the hardest to come to terms with. Go easy on yourself, and say goodbye in your own way.

In the circumstances you've made the right, compassionate decision.

I think it's great to take babies to funerals too, as it helps remind people of the continuation of the circle of life

Yes, it will help remind the family that their DS didn't get to pass on his own genes and continue the circle of life.

Also if the baby starts crying, it would disrupt the service. Way more insensitive if it's someone the family doesn't even want to see.

Sorry, OP, I missed the post where you have now decided not to go. Good decision.

Totally agree. No way I’d bring a baby to a funeral unless I really couldn’t get the childcare - I wouldn’t even bring my own to a family members, he’d be screaming to get down and dribbling on the pews it would be a hot mess. It’s a funeral not a christening, as for the circle of life lark - that can come later when you teach them about death and they can actually sit still for 5 minutes

As above. Sorry OP I didn’t see your deciding not to be post. I am sorry for your loss, I hope you get the opportunity to grieve in your own way and say your goodbyes x

Hang on, this isn't the usual AIBU shite. OP asked a genuine question, and took on board the answers. Pages ago. No need for the continued pile on.

Fucking hell.

I guess people aren’t reading the full thread before posting and aren’t necessarily piling on.

I think sometimes it’s totally acceptable to accidentally miss a post and still write a response, and then apologise for “pilling on” she’s gave her answer. There really isn’t any more to talk about?

My son died aged 18 from cancer so different circumstances but the death of a young person nonetheless.

My ex husband (not my son's father) turned up even though he was told not to. There was nearly a fight and I will never forgive him. He treated my sons and I abysmally at such a terrible time. His presence just exacerbated an already terribly sad occasion.

One of my cousins wanted to attend his funeral. She had a very young baby and stayed at the back of the cathedral so could leave if baby cried. I did not find it upsetting that she brought a young baby with her. She wanted to pay her respects and I appreciated that.

On balance I agree with your decision to stay away and say your own goodbyes privately.

I would have said go until the part about the baby. As it was 10 years ago, there's a high possibility that they won't feel as strongly about you as they did. However if you're unsure how they're going to be towards you, it's going to be harder for you to keep a low profile with taking a baby with you. So I would leave it and then visit his grave another time.