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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To attend the funeral

89 replies

Catscratchfever · 19/07/2019 11:41

Hello, apologies if this is a bit long but just looking for some advice.

I found out last week that an ex partner had died by suicide.
We split up nearly 10 years ago after I cheated on him- I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Around the time I received some (deserved) messages from his friends and family calling me out on my behaviour. I know he was very low for a while.

We met again at a party a year after the break up and he forgave me, and we stayed in friendly contact for a few years after this- he moved abroad for a bit and travelled, I went back to university. I last heard from him about four years ago. He told me he had had involvement with mental health services but was doing alright. He didn’t reply to my last message, and I didn’t want to push contact if it wasn’t wanted.
In the past few years he had moved back closer to home and had apparently been doing much better- his death has come as a huge shock.

The funeral is next week and I’m torn over whether or not to attend. I would like to go to say goodbye to someone I care about, who I know I hurt deeply. I know he forgave me, but I’m not sure whether his family know this, and I don’t want to upset them more on the day if I wouldn’t be welcome. But then am I making this all about me, when a lot has happened in the time since we broke up (not to excuse my behaviour at the time)?

To add to this, the funeral is 2 hours away from where I live, and I would have to do the journey with my 10 week old and bring him to the funeral.

Would this be terribly inappropriate? Any opinions welcome, thank you.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2019 12:02

You’ve made the right decision. Say goodbye in your own way. His funeral is for his family and friends who’ve stayed close to him to gather and grieve and they don’t need any distractions.

BrokenWing · 19/07/2019 12:04

Entirely inappropriate to even consider going, baby or not.

Floralnomad · 19/07/2019 12:07

You could always write to his family and express your sympathy .

crustycrab · 19/07/2019 12:07

Another no, just in case you hadn't got the message

NoCauseRebel · 19/07/2019 12:19

I see you’ve made your decision now but all I would say is that sometimes it is perfectly understandable that you might feel a sense of grief for the way things ended between you, even if you’d both moved on and made your peace etc.

Because it’s a suicide I think that the funeral would likely be an unhappy occasion anyway and I think that the family would likely question the motives of anyone who showed up after many years absence even if they didn’t have a history iyswim.

A relative of my eXH passed away earlier this year after a relatively long illness. Me and her never really had a close relationship before me and ex split but I was and have remained close to his family, and her illness was the type I wouldn’t wish on anyone and I did absolutely feel a sense of sadness when she died and sadness for my ex, my ex ILs and my ds who had all lost a family member.

For a bit I did consider going to the funeral but it was only a fleeting consideration because someone had asked if I wanted to go. But I felt that it would have been highly inappropriate for me to be there even though I know that her family wouldn’t have been upset if I had been, iyswim.

Jaxhog · 19/07/2019 12:34

The decision about whether to go to a funeral is always a tough one. One the one hand, some families like a big crowd as it can seem to indicate that the deceased was well-loved. On the other hand, who wants a bunch of people who weren't close to attend? I only go to a funeral if I'm personally asked by the deceased family. It doesn't mean I don't care, just that I think a funeral should be for just family and close friends.

You've made the right decision.

chipsnmayo · 19/07/2019 12:36

Defiantly no, especially if it was suicide and your previous history - not appropriate and its been 10yrs. Even worse with a newborn in tow. I can't imagine the family will be best pleased to see you.

Send flowers to the family with a nice card. Let them grieve in peace.

As hard as it is, you will have to say your own goodbyes. At least you resolved your difference before his death.

Fwiw DD's dad committed suicide many years ago abroad when she was three. I thought long and hard, it was a very messy break up and in the end I didn't go to the funeral. I knew ex PIL didn't want me there and I wasn't going to upset MIL. I wanted to go but only to take my DD, I grieved the end of our relationship, ex SIL took DD.

impossible · 19/07/2019 12:39

Light a candle for him and send some flowers with a message.

MrsGaryLightbody · 19/07/2019 12:40

I understand that you are coming from a point of caring, but as someone who has had to deal with the funeral etc of a family member that killed them self, I would urge you not to go.
Believe me emotions will be running high, blame will want to be rightly or wrongly apportioned by family and friends.
Pay your own respects in your own way , not by attending a highly charged funeral.
The baby could possibly be seen as the final straw from some family, the child he never had etc ...
Sorry to rant on but please don't go.

VivienneHolt · 19/07/2019 12:40

I wouldn’t - it might make a difficult day even harder for his family, especially if you are bringing a young baby.

I like PPs suggestions of lighting a candle or finding some other, personal means of remembrance.

TOADfan · 19/07/2019 12:44

I would go but I'm in Northern Ireland where it is normal for big funerals and all of sundry to go to a funeral. Here you are more likely to cause upset by not going.

I guess it depends on how it's done in your area.

F2Feee · 19/07/2019 12:46

No dont go. Extremely selfish to pitch up with your baby as well. This is more about you than him so selfish again. And you most probably would upset those that were actually good and close to him. Just say your goodbyes privately.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/07/2019 12:49

I would actually send a condolences/sympathy card to his family, but I wouldn't go.
My ex fiancé sent a condolences card to my Dad when my Mum died - we'd been split for 12 years by then and had no contact. I thought that was a decent thing for him to have done, even though I despised him for what he'd done to me.

Butterflyone1 · 19/07/2019 12:50

I don't think it's fair for you to go to ease your own guilt.

What happened in the past, stays in the past. His decision to end his own life would have been for a number of reasons and it wouldn't have been made using a rational mind.

Your presence there could upset those who were still in contact with him and this is unfair. If he had a new partner then she would not want ex's at her partners funeral.

Please have some respect for others.

BrendasUmbrella · 19/07/2019 12:59

You can remember him at home at the time, you don't have to physically be in the same place.

A funeral is for family and friends ultimately, best to stay away.

bikerclaire · 19/07/2019 12:59

I would definitely go and make them aware that he forgave you, they might be happier knowing that he made peace with you and they otherwise might always be thinking, "was it this breakup that started the downward spiral that ultimately made him do it?"

It's entirely appropriate for someone who cared about a person to attend their funeral. It shows everyone, including yourself, how much you do/did care.

I think it's great to take babies to funerals too, as it helps remind people of the continuation of the circle of life.

YouJustDoYou · 19/07/2019 13:00

No, don't go. His friends and family will already be in pain, seeing the person who back then treated him like shit will just be another total kick in the guts.

bikerclaire · 19/07/2019 13:01

Could you send a sympathy card and explain this? Ask if it would be OK for you to attend? Clearly state that you and he made peace a long time ago.

YouJustDoYou · 19/07/2019 13:02

I would definitely go and make them aware that he forgave you, they might be happier knowing that he made peace with you

THEY WON"T BE IN THE MOOD TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT AN EX TRYING TO MAKE THEM SEE SHE'S NOT A SHIT HUMAN BEING NOW!!!! FFS!

Worst advice ever.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/07/2019 13:02

I’d go but not it’s disrespectful to take your baby.

People cheat, only your ex’s opinion of you is worth it. Nothing to do with anyone else and if that’s an issue when you’re paying your respect, the issue lies with them not you.

You’re going to pay your respects, everyone else is irrelevant. Definitely go in last however and stand at the back, try and turn up as late as possible so no one really notices your presence.

TheCatThatDanced · 19/07/2019 13:03

Not appropriate and with a suicide even more so.

One of my DFriend's (very close) committed suicide a few years ago and I can honestly say it was one of the most upsetting and worst days of my life, attending the funeral, even though I was considered a very close friend) god only knows what her family were going through.

YouJustDoYou · 19/07/2019 13:04

Having seen mistresses/exes etc turn up at funerals only to make themselves feel better about the passing, it is an absolute horror of a selfish shitshow. It causes more pain and distress, why would you choose to do that? Just mourn at home. Don't lay this at their door when their loved one has already killed themselves. It's not about you.

Jellybeansincognito · 19/07/2019 13:04

‘I think it's great to take babies to funerals too, as it helps remind people of the continuation of the circle of life‘

I agree, but not in this instance of a suicide, especially where an ex in concerned.
It will remind the family what they’re missing and what their child missed out on.

Rachelover40 · 19/07/2019 13:05

In my opinion, it wouldn't be a good idea to go, Catscratch, and would be a bit of a trek with your baby. I doubt the other mourners would give you much of a welcome - what happened was a long time ago but it's surprising how long people's memories are and they sometimes well up at funerals. You could send a card and some flowers, if they are having flowers.

You were probably quite young when it all happened, young people do break up, often because one has cheated. You must forgive yourself; he forgave you and there's no point in hanging on to the guilt. You have a different life now and a child so please let it go. Suicide is a very sad business but, honestly, it's not your fault.

TheCatThatDanced · 19/07/2019 13:06

Oh, send a card, flowers or make a donation if wanted. That would be a nice thing and the done thing to do.

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