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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...To attend the funeral

89 replies

Catscratchfever · 19/07/2019 11:41

Hello, apologies if this is a bit long but just looking for some advice.

I found out last week that an ex partner had died by suicide.
We split up nearly 10 years ago after I cheated on him- I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and this is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Around the time I received some (deserved) messages from his friends and family calling me out on my behaviour. I know he was very low for a while.

We met again at a party a year after the break up and he forgave me, and we stayed in friendly contact for a few years after this- he moved abroad for a bit and travelled, I went back to university. I last heard from him about four years ago. He told me he had had involvement with mental health services but was doing alright. He didn’t reply to my last message, and I didn’t want to push contact if it wasn’t wanted.
In the past few years he had moved back closer to home and had apparently been doing much better- his death has come as a huge shock.

The funeral is next week and I’m torn over whether or not to attend. I would like to go to say goodbye to someone I care about, who I know I hurt deeply. I know he forgave me, but I’m not sure whether his family know this, and I don’t want to upset them more on the day if I wouldn’t be welcome. But then am I making this all about me, when a lot has happened in the time since we broke up (not to excuse my behaviour at the time)?

To add to this, the funeral is 2 hours away from where I live, and I would have to do the journey with my 10 week old and bring him to the funeral.

Would this be terribly inappropriate? Any opinions welcome, thank you.

OP posts:

PeoniesarePink · 19/07/2019 13:09

Go and visit his grave in a few weeks time, but don't go to the funeral.

They may be very angry and it's their day to mourn him, not yours without trying to sound unkind.

F2Feee · 19/07/2019 13:10

I would definitely go and make them aware that he forgave you, they might be happier knowing that he made peace with you

Please give yourself a slap for giving out such twattish advice !! Do not fo this!!

ReanimatedSGB · 19/07/2019 13:10

Unless you actually knew his family, I wouldn't send a card or make any kind of contact - it could come across as grief-thief behaviour and attention-seeking, even if your intentions are kind.
Funerals are to comfort the bereaved and your presence is much too likely to cause his family and close friends further upset. It's fine to do something like light a candle for him, raise a glass to him or play his favourite song, and acknowledge his passing and what he once meant to you, but you haven't had any contact with him or the people close to him in years, so you are better off staying completely out of it.

MrsGaryLightbody · 19/07/2019 13:14

*I would definitely go and make them aware that he forgave you, they might be happier knowing that he made peace with you and they otherwise might always be thinking, "was it this breakup that started the downward spiral that ultimately made him do it?"

It's entirely appropriate for someone who cared about a person to attend their funeral. It shows everyone, including yourself, how much you do/did care.

I think it's great to take babies to funerals too, as it helps remind people of the continuation of the circle of life.*

Seriously? Jeez.. OP please ignore such idiotic advice.

Idontwanttotalk · 19/07/2019 13:15

I would not go and definitely not with a baby. His family may consider that you were the catalyst for his MH issues and your presence may add to their distress.

I would, however, write a letter to his family enclosed within a condolence card so they are aware that you and he were in touch over the years. I'd post it to arrive after the funeral has taken place. Don't make it all about you though.

viques · 19/07/2019 13:16

Don't go. Spend the time with your baby thinking of ways to build their self esteem and mental resilience in the future. Send a donation to a MH charity.

lyralalala · 19/07/2019 13:24

I think it's great to take babies to funerals too, as it helps remind people of the continuation of the circle of life.

Not an appropriate reminder to give a family who don’t like you on the day they are mourning the suicide of their loved one.

In fact it would be bloody cruel

Procrastination4 · 19/07/2019 13:24

You’ve made the right decision, OP.

Thesummeriwas16 · 19/07/2019 13:26

@Bookworm4 Why are your posts always so unkind??

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 19/07/2019 13:29

I don't think the baby is the issue. I've been at funerals where acquaintances of the deceased (including a suicide) have shown up with a baby and it's been fine. The other stuff would be more of an issue for me. Is there anyone you could check with? I understand why you want to go.

MatildaTheCat · 19/07/2019 13:36

Write to his family and express your condolences and sympathy. Mention that you’d met up and made your peace but o more than that.

MRex · 19/07/2019 13:43

I was on two minds until you mentioned the baby. No, you can't take the baby along, you'd need to ask the closest family if that would be ok and in this situation that just calls attention to you and your history with him. Send his close family a card with a message, then visit his grave or the site of his ashes later if it will help you. Be somewhere peaceful at the time of the funeral so you can have a moment to think of him and say farewell.

BrokenWing · 19/07/2019 13:48

Write to his family and express your condolences and sympathy. Mention that you’d met up and made your peace but o more than that.

Really? She hasn't spoken or even had a text conversation with him in 4 years, previously she has only sent occasional social media messages but still hasn't seen him in 9 years and even then it was just bumped into him at a party! His family have just lost a son/brother/nephew or whatever, too young to suicide. They don't need this no one in their lives right now confusing them.

Its ok for the OP to feel sad, but she is no one in this families grief.

Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 13:50

I wouldn’t go, you could end up causing upset for his family when they are already hurting. My fist love (not a very nice person) took his life a few years ago, I didn’t even consider going to his funeral but I happened to bump into his dad they day of the funeral which was really odd as I hadn’t seen him for years, I didn’t speak to him but he smiled at me across a car park as if to say “no hard feelings”. Slightly different then your story but I think it’s best to say goodbye in another way. Maybe you could could put some flowers somewhere? His favourite place, somewhere that meant something too him? Or light a candle for him?

K1ssIt · 19/07/2019 13:53

I totally agree with others that you shouldn't go in the circumstances you've described and I'd say my goodbyes in a different way on the day of the funeral.

But reading this post

On the other hand, who wants a bunch of people who weren't close to attend? I only go to a funeral if I'm personally asked by the deceased family. It doesn't mean I don't care, just that I think a funeral should be for just family and close friends.

I've not been to a load of funerals but inviting people to them isn't the norm where I'm from. Might be a regional thing though. Some people who were close to my Dad were total strangers to me because he moved to another town and didn't always speak about his friends when we saw each other. There was probably more people I didn't know that people I did at his funeral to be honest and it did feel a bit awkward for me but my Dad would have loved seeing the packed church he had and if people waited for an invite from me it would have been empty.

MummyofTw0 · 19/07/2019 13:57

I'm sorry but it would be inappropriate

Take the day off work and just have a quiet reflective day instead

SunshineCake · 19/07/2019 13:59

With the best will in the world his family won't care whether you care or not.

SlurpyMcSlurperFace · 19/07/2019 13:59

I don't know if you should or shouldn't tbh. It really depends on the people involved.
I can only share my experience and what I decided. My Ex husband died, overdose. I hadn't seen him for 5-6 years. I went to see his Mum and she told me that he had always loved me. I knew this to be correct, I also knew she and her daughter had no money.
Me and DH paid for the funeral, but I didn't go. I didn't go because I knew there would be people there who I really didn't like, who I felt had contributed to his downfall. I spoke to his Mum about it and said I wouldn't go because his funeral should be about him and him alone, and I knew if I went there would be whispers and possibly a falling out, because the people involved were drinkers and they would get arsey. She understood. I helped her pick the songs he loved the most to play.
It was the right thing, and I haven't regretted it for a second.

Only you can decide what to do given the circumstances and people involved.

thisnamechanger · 19/07/2019 14:03

Making a donation to any fundraiser they're doing with just your name could potentially be a good idea. It'll show you care but are respectful enough not to turn up and stick your oar in. Depends how angry they were though - might be best to say nothing.

IsobelRae23 · 19/07/2019 14:03

@K1ssIt I agree with you. We recently had the devastating loss of a child in our family. People had to stand outside the church as they could not get in (no upstairs in this church). I would say over half had never said hello to the child. But people knew her parents, her grandparents, her aunt and uncles, and so on. So everyone came to show their respect, I but the parents didn’t know 3/4 of those attending. But I do know that it brought them comfort that so many came to say goodbye to their child. And that’s what it is all about.

@Catscratchfever I agree with others. Stay away. Say a prayer on your own, light a candle, go to your nearest church and do it. But don’t turn up with your baby. You may be long forgotten about, or they may lay blame at your door, everyone handles grief differently. I had to attend a friends funeral who had sadly taken their life, and there was a lot of hostility towards his ex partner, that’s why I say stay away.

4forkssake · 19/07/2019 14:04

I think it would be highly inappropriate. I'm sure you want to go to say your goodbyes, but it also sounds like you might be wanting to go to make yourself feel better over the way you treat him. He forgave you so think you should just walk away & let him go. Like others have said, light a candle, have a drink, go somewhere to remember him.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/07/2019 14:05

No, don't go. The funeral is going to be doubly hard for the family due to the manner of his death. I wouldn't send a card or flowers, either. You simply don't know what their feelings are towards you and even if he told them that he'd forgiven you, they may not have.

Donate to a charity, but do it privately. If they haven't named one, choose a mental health charity or Samaritans and make a donation.

Valanice1989 · 19/07/2019 14:11

Sorry, OP, but I don't think it would be a good idea for you to go. You risk upsetting his family on what will already be an emotional day. For all you know, they may consider your cheating to have been a significant factor in his mental health problems. Be glad that you made your peace with him before he died.

HeadintheiClouds · 19/07/2019 14:12

No, don’t. Put the feelings of those who have actually been in his life for the past ten years before yours.

Mitzimaybe · 19/07/2019 14:12

OP has already responded that she has listened to the responses and she won't go. Why is everyone still piling on?

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