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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit angry with DP

120 replies

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 19/07/2019 08:16

Or is it just pregnancy hormones playing a part?

To cut a long story shorter. DP has a younger brother in his 20's, hes a bit of a cocky lad but is alright. He has a new girlfriend who is abit gobby chavvy?

DP asked q few weeks ago if they could sleep at put house while were away for 10 days next month. I said absolutely not. It means they would have to sleep in our room as currently doing a nursery in spare room.

I just dont like the thought of someone have free reign of our house with my belongings in while were not there for that period of time.. or any period if time.
There are things I have that are private and although it's not nice to assume they'll go rummaging around, it really puts me on edge (I suffer with anxiety).

This morning, DP accidentally let it slip that they will be staying, even though I said I didnt feel comfortable with it.

It seemed like he tried to cover his tracks and say he was only coming to some work on our kitchen floor for a day. I said I didnt like it but if it was just a day then I'll have to deal with it, but DP kept pressing me on why they coulsnt stay the full 10 days and kept calling me horrible. I feel like he has invited them to stay and is going to let them behind my back. I said I aanyws to lock the bedroom doors and take the keys, he went mental about it so I think there more to it than just a day!

Should I just let them stay? I feel like I'm going to worry all holiday about qhata happening in my house :( I do feel abit horrible, so AIBU?

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 19/07/2019 10:50

No i personally wouldnt like it and hes wrong to go behind your back-i dont know how you could stop them though if dp gives them a key

Id do my nut more about being lied to

mumderland · 19/07/2019 10:51

Why do they want to stay? Don't they have a house of their own?
I wouldn't let it happen either. I am a very private person so I would never let anyone stay in my house alone.
And your husband should not have agreed to it behind your back.

Blondebakingmumma · 19/07/2019 10:54

I’d have to burn the mattress. It’s a hard no from me

Soubriquet · 19/07/2019 10:55

I wouldn’t like the fact that my dh had gone behind my back when I had originally said no

So yanbu

littlepaddypaws · 19/07/2019 10:58

being pregnant doesn't mean you have the final say on visitors in your home but i wouldn't want ANYONE sleeping in our marital bed, who knows what might happen while you are away, i'd be worried about other people visiting, possible parties and my home being wrecked.

kateandme · 19/07/2019 11:06

some people dont mind it but some would.especailly if you have anxiety.this is even more vitally your safe space.
so your dp should respect that.you dont have to agree with someone to respect and have empathy for their feelings and not do something thatwould cause them distress.
plus if hes lying no no no.knob territory.

kateandme · 19/07/2019 11:06

some people dont mind it but some would.especailly if you have anxiety.this is even more vitally your safe space.
so your dp should respect that.you dont have to agree with someone to respect and have empathy for their feelings and not do something thatwould cause them distress.
plus if hes lying no no no.knob territory.

kateandme · 19/07/2019 11:06

some people dont mind it but some would.especailly if you have anxiety.this is even more vitally your safe space.
so your dp should respect that.you dont have to agree with someone to respect and have empathy for their feelings and not do something thatwould cause them distress.
plus if hes lying no no no.knob territory.

NoSauce · 19/07/2019 11:07

What’s the reason they want to stay?

BrendasUmbrella · 19/07/2019 11:08

You're pregnant so it's your decision.

Some things should definitely be a pregnant woman's decision, but I don't quite get this one... I suppose there's the stress argument but you're still pushing it Grin

BrendasUmbrella · 19/07/2019 11:11

It looks like your DP is going to be a tosser and let them stay whatever your feelings, so I'd suggest you use this time to pack up anything private or precious or anything you think they might steal and leave it at a trusted friends house or your parents.

GrouchoMrx · 19/07/2019 11:11

DP has a younger brother in his 20's, hes a bit of a cocky lad but is alright. He has a new girlfriend who is abit gobby chavvy

Do you trust them in your house?

If not, don't do it.

Billben · 19/07/2019 11:28

You're pregnant so it's your decision.

Don’t be ridiculous 😂 It most certainly is not just OP’s decision just because she is pregnant. Good grief. She’s neither the first nor the last woman to ever get pregnant. That doesn’t give her the right to be the sole decision maker (apart from a very few things of course). It’s a joint decision. And whilst I’m agreeing with OP on this issue, it’s not because she’s pregnant. OP, your DP is an arse and no way would I let those two people stay.

littlepaddypaws · 19/07/2019 11:30

i wouldn't go on this holiday and i'd probably be looking to kick his backside to the kerb as well

Mitzimaybe · 19/07/2019 11:43

YANBU and I would be absolutely furious with DH over this and would tell him to cancel the arrangements immediately. He asked, you said no. Instead of working with you on your anxiety issues and find some way to compromise on things, he went behind your back and arranged it without telling you. Then gave you abuse when you were unhappy about it. He is clearly lying about it being only for a day to do the kitchen floor otherwise why would it be a problem locking the bedroom doors.

Sounds like you have trust issues to start with (not your husband's fault, presumably) but he should be working to reassure you, not completely undermining your trust further by lying, making sneaky arrangements behind your back, and having a go at you for not being happy about it.

bikerclaire · 19/07/2019 12:26

I guess you could put all private stuff in the nursery and lock that door then try to see it as a security matter - nobody will break in while you're away and that could cause a lot more damage.

Having said that it's entirely your choice.

Maybe you could spend a day or two writing down all your fears (as new things occur to us at odd times!) of what COULD happen if you let them stay and then go through them with your partner?

Mitzicoco · 19/07/2019 13:11

You could also add credibility to the locked nursery door by saying that it is means to be a surprise?

Topseyt · 19/07/2019 13:40

But is it OK for one person in a partnership to completely veto something like this?

Yes. I think it is. If one member of the partnership is uncomfortable about these people staying in the house while they are away then they do not stay. End of story. If DH was uncomfortable with someone I was considering allowing to stay then I wouldn't allow it to happen and I would expect the same consideration from him if the boot were on the other foot.

CJsGoldfish · 19/07/2019 13:43

I've house sat and I've had house sitters so wouldn't be a problem for me. Especially family.

I think YABU

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 13:45

YANBU. DP may trust his brother but none of you (his brother included) actually know the girlfriend. She could be anyone, at this stage it’s impossible to know. Imagine the uproar if she stole something or she did actually rummage through private belongings.

It’s not worth the risk with a relative stranger.

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 13:47

Also you should not have to lock all of your valuables in a room in your own home because your DP has decided to invite people to stay! It’s just not on. It is your house too and you get a 50% say in who stays in your personal space.

Mitzimaybe · 19/07/2019 13:54

I'm sure I've seen threads along the lines of "I want to invite my sister to stay but my DH isn't comfortable with it. I think I'll invite her anyway and not tell DH until the day she is due to arrive, then he can't say no."

The poster is unanimously told that "It's his house too, he gets as much a say as you do" etc.

I think the person who doesn't want the visitors should have the power of veto over the person who does. Especially when they won't be around at the time in question to make sure everything's all right, and one of the people involved is a relative stranger.

YABU to use the word chavvy though.

Nicolastuffedone · 19/07/2019 13:54

Yanbu

MRex · 19/07/2019 14:00

Why do they need to stay in your house while you're away, I don't understand from your post?

I wouldn't mind my BIL and SIL staying, but I would not want a young 20s and new girlfriend staying over, no. Your DH's attitude seems very disrespectful of your views on this and either of you are entitled to your opinions. Does he often disrespect your opinions? Or is it particularly because he's sensitive about his DB and worried that you don't like him?

Original poster
PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 19/07/2019 15:46

I know that his dad (who his brother lives with) has a key to our house so of they wanted to stay behind my back they definitely could.

Even if DP has tood him he cant stay I dont think I'll believe him because he got so defensive about it.

I cant atop qpreying about it now, let alone when we actually go on holiday.

It really would be unreasonable to get a nanny cam and see if they turn up. If they do DP can go play house at his dads because all trust will be gone!

OP posts:
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