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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit angry with DP

120 replies

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 19/07/2019 08:16

Or is it just pregnancy hormones playing a part?

To cut a long story shorter. DP has a younger brother in his 20's, hes a bit of a cocky lad but is alright. He has a new girlfriend who is abit gobby chavvy?

DP asked q few weeks ago if they could sleep at put house while were away for 10 days next month. I said absolutely not. It means they would have to sleep in our room as currently doing a nursery in spare room.

I just dont like the thought of someone have free reign of our house with my belongings in while were not there for that period of time.. or any period if time.
There are things I have that are private and although it's not nice to assume they'll go rummaging around, it really puts me on edge (I suffer with anxiety).

This morning, DP accidentally let it slip that they will be staying, even though I said I didnt feel comfortable with it.

It seemed like he tried to cover his tracks and say he was only coming to some work on our kitchen floor for a day. I said I didnt like it but if it was just a day then I'll have to deal with it, but DP kept pressing me on why they coulsnt stay the full 10 days and kept calling me horrible. I feel like he has invited them to stay and is going to let them behind my back. I said I aanyws to lock the bedroom doors and take the keys, he went mental about it so I think there more to it than just a day!

Should I just let them stay? I feel like I'm going to worry all holiday about qhata happening in my house :( I do feel abit horrible, so AIBU?

OP posts:

Work12 · 19/07/2019 09:34

No I wouldn't be happy about this either and your dp is being a cock for getting so angry about it, why is he so bothered?! It's your house!! And no i wouldn't feel comfortable about someone living in my home with all my belongings having sex god knows where, this isn't about you having anxiety, i luckily don't have it and i still wouldn't like it.

KatherineJaneway · 19/07/2019 09:39

No you should not let them stay. You won't enjoy your break for worrying.

VenusTiger · 19/07/2019 09:43

Sounds to me like the brother asked your DH and he agreed before he asked you, thinking you’d be okay with it.

Tell him, you don’t want to come back to your bed and have to scrape the sheets before you lie in it.

Definitely lock the door on your way out (don’t have to tell him you’re doing this if it’s going to cause an argument) and enjoy your holiday.

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 09:46

I completely understand that the dp is being an arse about it and has lost any right to consideration.

But is it OK for one person in a partnership to completely veto something like this?

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 09:48

Should your dp the thread op. He needs to know he is being very very unreasonable. I would not want to stay with a man who did not even manage the basics such as respecting my privacy. Your nesting instinct will be even stronger because you are pregnant. if he can't see that this is a problem for you, then I fear the relationship is probably not going to last. Particularly as he seems to not be invested in you as a person, and is prioritising family members over his pregnant DP. It is not a good sign at all, and may be the shape of things to come.

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 09:48

Should - show

Suebnm · 19/07/2019 09:49

Will they definitely go at the end of the 10 days? Can your boyfriend reassure you in some way?

I'm married and it would ruin a holiday for me if I thought my husband was lying to me about what was going on behind my back.

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 09:51

But is it OK for one person in a partnership to completely veto something like this?

It is a good point to raise Bert and I feel that if we were talking about them staying on the couch for one night after dinner whilst op was there, fair enough she could be more accommodating. But actually sleeping in her own bed, its so personal, for ten days with a stranger she barely knows and certainly doesn't trust. How do we know she won't invite friends over, have parties, rummage through her private things.
Yes in this case, I think it is very fair to veto something that makes you so uncomfortable, and puts your home at risk. Everyone has boundaries, and these are op's boundaries and should be respected.

Crazybunnylady123 · 19/07/2019 09:53

Yanbu - I wouldn’t want anyone else in my bedroom. It’s our private space.
I like my house tidy and in order and my animals live here. I’d probably let my brother stay if he needed to. But just him and he wouldn’t sleep in our bed anyway. He wouldn’t want to. But some random new girlfriend. How do you know what would go on.

Feelingwalkedover · 19/07/2019 09:53

No that’s out of order .your dp is being a dick

Beautiful3 · 19/07/2019 09:54

I wouldn't like it either. I would say no.

DeepDarkWoods · 19/07/2019 09:58

I would say no. I wouldnt be able to relax on hoilday thinking about them going through drawers, cupboards, paperwork. Definately a no from me.

Chamomileteaplease · 19/07/2019 09:58

One of the major factors is that you don't really like either of them so that is a big ask to have these people stay in your bed. Plus the rooting about all your private things which as you say may sound horrible to suspect but this is what you think will happen.

So I think you are perfectly entitled to not have anyone in your house for ten days or even for one day. I would get the kitchen floor done by someone else when you get home.

And I would have a big sit down chat with your husband about being a team. Take those keys!

pinkyredrose · 19/07/2019 10:03

What is it with partners who decide what's happening in a home by themselves? You're supposed to be an equal partnership ffs. You both need to decide and agree on something that affects both of you. What's going to happen when the baby's born, will he decide what goes then too?

DarlingNikita · 19/07/2019 10:06

Your DP is U for calling you horrible and for (seemingly) going behind your back.

But what have you got against them and why do you seem to assume that they'll go through your things? Is it because you've decided the girlfriend is 'chavvy'? If you thought she was a nice middle-class girl would you be bothered? I think you're being a snob.

thisnamechanger · 19/07/2019 10:22

You're pregnant so it's your decision

Is this a thing? Surely it's his house too.

Wouldn't bother me in the least; I quite like the idea of someone benefiting from my home while I'm away. When I go on hols I clean my room and make the bed up with fresh sheets in case my housemate wants to have a friend over.

cakecakecheese · 19/07/2019 10:23

Maybe you are being a bit unreasonable about not letting them stay but your partner should be more understanding and the lying and name calling is unnecessary. If he was understanding and reassuring then maybe you could change your mind but trying to bully you into it is not on at all.

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 10:24

How about saying they can stay but not use your room. A blow up mattress in the living room?

cakecakecheese · 19/07/2019 10:25

Oh I forgot to ask does he always react so angrily during disagreements?

Eliza9919 · 19/07/2019 10:25

Why can't they stay in their own house? I'd go fucking mental at him for doing this if I didn't want people in the house while we were away. And I'd lock the bedroom on the way out. He's seriously out of order. It's your home, not a hotel.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 19/07/2019 10:35

No, I wouldn’t like it. My MIL very kindly comes in and feeds/fusses our cat twice a day when we’re away, and even then there’s part of me that is very slightly on edge about it, even though I am grateful she does it. Not because I think she is snooping - definitely not having sex in our bed! - but just having someone in the house when we’re not there. I know she is a very houseproud woman, and can just imagine her inspecting the skirting boards.

PetrolBastard · 19/07/2019 10:42

Can you lock the bedroom door and have an airbed set up for them in the living room?

Tooner · 19/07/2019 10:45

Why has your DP gone mental about you reiterating that you don't want them there. Is it because his male pride will be hurt if he has to tell his brother you have said no after he told them yes.

I find it strange that he is so infuriated about the situation. He should not have agreed to it before asking you. He must know you suffer from anxiety and that this could be a problem for you.

He is being an arse! An unfair arse!

I would not like them to stay. The thought of them having rampant sex in my bed, staining the bedding etc ( not that I'm saying this will happen) would be a big no no. Plus I would hate the thought of them going through my personal stuff. This would spoil my holiday.

LadyRannaldini · 19/07/2019 10:46

You're pregnant so it's your decision.

Why does 'being pregnant' make it her decision about their house? What's so special about 'being pregnant', she's not ill! I wouldn't want a dodgy relative and hanger-on staying for so long either but please don't play the 'being pregnant' card.

Butterflyone1 · 19/07/2019 10:48

If it's both of your house then it should be a joint decision. Just because you don't want them to stay doesn't mean they shouldn't stay.

If your BiL is doing work on your house then surely the kind thing would be to allow them to stay.

The blow up bed seems like a reasonable compromise.

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