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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit angry with DP

120 replies

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 19/07/2019 08:16

Or is it just pregnancy hormones playing a part?

To cut a long story shorter. DP has a younger brother in his 20's, hes a bit of a cocky lad but is alright. He has a new girlfriend who is abit gobby chavvy?

DP asked q few weeks ago if they could sleep at put house while were away for 10 days next month. I said absolutely not. It means they would have to sleep in our room as currently doing a nursery in spare room.

I just dont like the thought of someone have free reign of our house with my belongings in while were not there for that period of time.. or any period if time.
There are things I have that are private and although it's not nice to assume they'll go rummaging around, it really puts me on edge (I suffer with anxiety).

This morning, DP accidentally let it slip that they will be staying, even though I said I didnt feel comfortable with it.

It seemed like he tried to cover his tracks and say he was only coming to some work on our kitchen floor for a day. I said I didnt like it but if it was just a day then I'll have to deal with it, but DP kept pressing me on why they coulsnt stay the full 10 days and kept calling me horrible. I feel like he has invited them to stay and is going to let them behind my back. I said I aanyws to lock the bedroom doors and take the keys, he went mental about it so I think there more to it than just a day!

Should I just let them stay? I feel like I'm going to worry all holiday about qhata happening in my house :( I do feel abit horrible, so AIBU?

OP posts:
FilledSoda · 19/07/2019 08:44

That would be my worst nightmare .
My home is absolutely sacred to me , I had an rotten childhood where nothing was private or mine.
The thought of anyone being in my space around my personal things is horrible and you don't even like these people.
I know it will sound OTT but I wouldn't go and I wouldn't be able to back down so it would be a huge drama.

SummerWhisper · 19/07/2019 08:49

Your partner does not respect you and his boundaries are way off. Cancel the holiday, stay home, do up the nursery at your leisure, enjoy the time just pottering. Your house is not a shagging bureau. This is your family home.

Sarahjconnor · 19/07/2019 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/07/2019 08:53

Why do they want to stay? Do they both still live with patents, in which case you’re home will be used as a shag pad for 10 days .... I wouldn’t like that one bit
^

You bet me to it BigSandyBalls2015 Grin

CalmdownJanet · 19/07/2019 08:55

Why do they want to stay?

The lies and sneaking behind my back would really annoy me, I'd say no more about it and be just as sneaky as I locked my bedroom door before I left, took the key and didn't mention I had done it. If it gets brought up then you have proven your point that they shouldn't have been in your bedroom to notice it was locked so either they were snooping or your dh was lying and they were staying all along

Costacoffeeplease · 19/07/2019 08:55

Why do they want stay? It would be a no from me, especially as he’s lied and tried to hide it. Is he always an arse?

TequilaMockingbird0 · 19/07/2019 08:55

Never in a million years would I have anyone staying in our house (especially my bed!) while we were away.
It's a weird request, why do they want to stay?
Unless you're both comfortable, you should both have every right to veto that happening. Tell your husband you're not happy and you don't want them to stay, he shouldn't be agreeing to that behind your back.

SummerInTheVillage · 19/07/2019 08:56

You aren't comfortable with it so it can't happen. Certainly lock the bedroom if you can't trust DP to do the right thing and tell them.

7yo7yo · 19/07/2019 08:57

I wouldn’t like anyone staying in my home while I was away let alone someone who wants to use it as a shag pad.
I would lock the room and take the keys or leave evil notes everywhere like why are you looking at my private stuff you cheeky cunts?
They can’t admit to seeing that unless they admit they were rifling.
I would put anything private or sentimental in a locked suitcase and put it into the loft.

I’d be concerned that your husband has gone against your wishes and has deceived you and is now being abusive.

QuizzlyBear · 19/07/2019 08:58

I've had my brother and (separately) my FIL to stay in our house while we were away - both times to dog sit. They stayed in the spare room and I trusted that both would be respectful of our privacy.

The idea of someone else sleeping in our bed gives me the horrors, not to mention someone I didn't know well rummaging through my stuff. I don't think YABU at all, though I know other people are far more relaxed (they offer their bed to guests etc) - I just value my privacy and my home is my 'safe space'.

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 08:58

I would absolutely hate this. I can't bear the idea of someone sleeping and having sex in my bed. No way.

Foot down. No way. Why would they want to?

For some people privacy is everything. I am with you on this. I would take steps to ensure the house is secure whilst you are away.
I'd also be concerned that your dp is not really understanding where you are with this, explain it clearly. I don't want your brother having sex with his latest girlfriend in our bed thanks. That should do it.

BarbedBloom · 19/07/2019 09:02

No one else would be staying in my room so I would lock the door. I actually don't think you are being unreasonable as he is lying to you about it. Fine to discuss but not to lie. I would lock the bedroom door

Viviene · 19/07/2019 09:02

It's not only your home, it's also your DP's. Why do your wants trump his? I would let them stay, YABU.

MrsXx4 · 19/07/2019 09:03

I wouldn’t like it either.

I don’t get the ‘you’re pregnant so your decision’ crap?!? ....what an odd stance to take! ....so I wouldn’t take that advice or go down that route but I would have a conversation and let your DP know how your anxiety is affecting you.

I had my MIL stay for one night to look after my baby when I went to a wedding about 2 months ago. I found out this weekend that she left no stone unturned in my house and rummaged her way through every drawer, cupboard, wardrobe etc! So finding this out means no one will now stay in my house without supervision because the thought of her doing that is so intrusive and I have no idea what she must have been looking for!!

Bob5 · 19/07/2019 09:04

DP has asked them to stay and is using horrible "techniques" on you to get you to change your mind. YANBU I would hate anyone to stay in that situation - only people I know AND trust. Your compromise is yes they can stay, but locks on doors and you take the key!

diddl · 19/07/2019 09:05

I'd lock the bedroom doors & take the keys.

If you come back to a shit tip in other rooms, leave your husband to sort it out.

He sounds horrible.

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 09:06

Another one of these bizarre Mumsnet things. Surely in the real world family members stay in each other’s houses quite routinely? Apart from anyone else, surely it’s good to have someone to keep an eye while you’re away?

ReanimatedSGB · 19/07/2019 09:08

The issue is not whether you are right or wrong for not wanting them to stay in your house - it's the fact that your DP is overriding your wishes. He's showing you that you don't matter to him and he will always get his own way, whether you like it or not.

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 09:09

I would have an extra lock put onto the door, and I would be considering how dp and I move forward because you need to be on the same page with decisions like this.

Generally the understanding is that if one party is not happy with a suggested arrangement and it imposes on privacy and comfort on the other, then the answer is no whether it is you or him. I would only agree to someone staying if my dh was comfortable with it, it seems odd to me that your opinion and feelings are not a priority for your dp. Does he often overlook your needs?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 19/07/2019 09:09

DP kept pressing me on why they coulsnt stay the full 10 days and kept calling me horrible. I feel like he has invited them to stay and is going to let them behind my back. I said I aanyws to lock the bedroom doors and take the keys, he went mental about it

Urgh, he's being vile. It's your house too. I wouldn't want people I didn't know very well, even if they are family, staying in my house. YANBU.

Opossooom · 19/07/2019 09:09

I get what your saying OP me and DP went on holiday earlier in the year and he allowed his sister and her friend to stay without consulting me. Baring in mind I know a lot more about said sister than he does regarding behaviour, drugs etc. I didn’t like the fact he did not ask me ‘because you would have said yes’. It’s a home not a fucking half way house. If this girl is a new girl then I personally wouldn’t trust her, and the fact he’s went behind your back would make me be a total bitch and go behind his. Chaaaaaaaange the locks!

urbanlife · 19/07/2019 09:10

bert Yes of course family stay, but in guest beds etc not in my bed!! Its definitely not a MN thing not to want your siblings have sex in your bed.

OhBcereus · 19/07/2019 09:13

YANBU!
I would be same. Tell them to go and play house somewhere else! It's your home. I wouldn't let my own brother stay in my flat when I came home from uni. At first I thought he was coming to visit me but no he wanted to be there with his gf when I wasn't. Hell no!!

All of the stress and anxiety it will cause will not be good for the baby. I would tell DH that if he insists they stay I won't be going on the holiday. Do they already have a key? I wouldn't even let him do the work for me whilst I am away if they can't be trusted. Make sure you pay him money for his work though so that can never be used against you!

coconuttelegraph · 19/07/2019 09:22

The OP isn't asking whether other people would mind, that's not the issue, it's totally OK not to want someone staying in your house while you aren't there.

If you don't have a choice now you need to make arrangements to make sure they don't have access to anything you want to keep private

newmomof1 · 19/07/2019 09:30

No YANBU!

My SS has a chavvy scummy boyfriend who I don't even want to come to my house when I'm there, so definitely wouldn't be letting them sleep!

I don't even understand why they'd want to. Are they homeless?