To worry about the resilience of adults

[MyKingdomForACaramel]

Am not trying to come across as goady or insensitive but have seen a distinct upturn recently both irl and online of adults not being able to deal with, what are essentially day to day life/set backs in a rational way -what was once a mishap is now a crisis.

To be clear I’m not talking l about those suffering with mental health issues (I have had my own), but more generally

I teach adults, many 15+ years older than myself and I am amazed at the sliding scale of "put together successful people" down to "managed to drag myself here but am a quivering wreck" people.
These are all working in hospitals too. Goes to show how big our mental health crisis is in this country!

There’s so much whinging because someone didn’t get what they think the are entitled to and what they think they are entitled to is what they see on social media.

It comes from a childhood being pandered to and being given everything. All those Christmas threads here when a poster worries they didn’t get enough presents and poor little Johnny only has 5 things to unbox.

And the culture of “Oh you are doing so well” in school when Johnny clearly isn’t doing well leaves them completely unprepared for real life when no one will say “Awww, at least you tried your best” when they fuck up.

We are in for a storm because we are rasing snowflakes.

I was definitely brought up with the "reach for the stars" ethos and I think I did believe I could do anything I set my mind to. I graduated during the 2008 recession and while I didn't just assume I'd walk into a well paid job it was a really disappointing experience.

They need the drama because they given everything and crave attention, the easiest way of getting attention is to create drama.

“Look at me, I’m so misunderstood”. Yeah, right.

I know at the moment who is has a job that sounds fairly annoying and a bit stressful but she’s saying it makes her want to hurt herself.

I'm not convinced a doctor would agree with you there.

I think in some ways yabu op, because people actually talk about this stuff now, whereas 20 years ago when I started work it was seen as making you useless so they just got rid of you.

I DO think that DC need to learn to accept failure though and that they won't always be the best/ get top grades.

I actually think that we are raising a generation of children who are ill-equipped to deal with life.

You only have to look at some of the posts on here: “my dad shouted at my child, Aibu to go NC?” Followed by a chorus of “nobody should ever shout at your child, I would cut them off immediately.” “My auntie gave my three year old a chocolate button when I explicitly asked her not to,” followed by “she should never have access to your child alone ever again.” “A teacher told my child that they probably won’t do as well in art as history. Aibu to think that they’re causing self esteem issues?” Followed by “yanbu, you should report to the governors if not ofsted.”

Don’t get me wrong, if we’re talking outright abuse then there’s no question. But we’re bringing children up to never learn about conflict, and that some people just react differently to others, and sometimes it’s warranted, and sometimes it isn’t, but you have to take the rough with the smooth. And when they get older they suddenly have to realise that the real world doesn’t actually think they’re all that special. And that’s a hard lesson to learn when you’ve grown up in a protective bubble where you’re the be all and end all.

I think a lot of the issue with the perceived lack of resilience with people today is that we expect so much more of life. Standards and expectations for many things are so much higher than they have been in the past,that there are many more opportunities to ‘fail’. Failing occasionally is manageable but repeated failure can be hard to deal with.

Examples I can think of off the top of my head are academic expectations - my parents generation (born in the 30s/40s) had low academic expectations. You learned to read/write/calculate and left school at 14 or 15 to work. My 60s born generation were expected to get 5 A-C at O Level or CSE. For both generations only the rich or academically very able did A levels or expected to go to Uni. My 90s born children were expected to get 10 or 11 good GCSEs and even the least academic has to stay at school until 18 and then get a degree.

Material aspirations are so much greater now too. Back in the day to have any more than the bare essentials in life (enough clean clothes to wear, food, a roof over your head) was seen as enough. Now people who don’t own a home/car/consumer durables are considered low achievers.

We even judge people on their mental health today. People have always had issues, women went into ‘decline’ (which would probably be diagnosed as something like anorexia or depression today). Men had ‘shell shock’ (PTSD). Every family had recluses or oddballs or ‘delicate’ members who didn’t get out much and needed special care. Nowadays even this lack of resilience is seen as a failing.

This is a bit of a ramble but I do feel strongly that we expect so much more from life, materially and emotionally than previous generations have that we are setting ourselves up to fail and even worse, we then judge people who ‘fail’ worse than we have.

I'm with Aquapris on this one. Maybe these attitudes will force employers to treat people better, change the whole way we work and reset priorities once and for all. Why should people spend most of their waking hours and the best years of their lives doing stuff they don't want to do, with people they don't want to be around? Sounds like hell, and for many people it is hell.

It's not really surprising that young people who have possibly enjoyed the school environment and the university experience should then find the workplace utterly miserable.

I'm too old to benefit, but perhaps when the robot nation takes over the grunt work, people will be freed to live their lives with more meaning and enjoyment. Is that such a bad thing?

NoCauseRebel, I think you've hit the nail on the head, young people grow up in bubbles that don't reflect adult life. Obviously children need some level of support and protection but it's better that they are in the adult world from the start.

I think the root cause is something a bit more controversial.

People profit from magnifying problems and offering their professional wisdom and related products as the solution. It is big business.

I used to see excessive reaction to things going wrong as a weakness: as a teenager I used to say to my own parents and siblings "just treat it as a problem to be solved!!" when she wailed about something; I'd say to people my age "oh, just pull yourself together". . But more recently I have realised that it's not as simple as that, and I have actually been incredibly lucky that I have never had any serious life-changing experiences such as illnesses, whereas many people around me have.

I do think that when a small setback happens, within reason people need to be allowed to react for a short time, to express their anger and disappointment; and then move on. The stiff upper lip is how anger and resentment builds, leading to a much bigger explosion later.

I find small setbacks difficult to deal with if I have a run of them, and I start to get paranoid. In the last few months I have had a lot of small things going wrong; ill pet needing expensive treatment, car accident (not my fault), neighbours keeping me awake; none of them life-changing, but sometimes I'd be thinking every day "just what is going to wrong today", and I have had some big crises of confidence, and have had to lean on others for support. Within reason, people need to be allowed to do this.

@Lockheart Gone are the days you could leave school at 16.

Eh? Loads of pupils leave school at 16.

Standards and expectations for many things are so much higher than they have been in the past,that there are many more opportunities to ‘fail’.

True. There was a thread recently from someone who felt she was a failure because her holidays went wrong. There is so much pressure to enjoy the holiday and I was too much.

Oh gosh. I’m not managing much at all. Feel overwhelmed and upset and anxious.
Not sure why I’m so bad at dealing with upsets.

In some ways I think YABU and people have always been stressed out. If you look at things like the suicide rate it has steadily by almost a third since the 80s. People are encouraged to be more open about their feelings these days instead of bottling them up (especially men).

Part of me thinks this is that old standard of the older generation criticising the young and saying "It wasn't like that in my day." You can't criticise millennials for being rowdy so instead they get criticised for being boring and stressed.

But then again, I think in some ways people may be more stressed generally nowadays. I agree with what @Lockheart said. You can't underestimate how much pressure teachers and parents put on children to get good grades (and then have the cheek to moan that the tests must be getting easier because so many have done well!!). Uni debt coupled with high rents and the need to save a massive deposit isn't conducive to letting your hair down. Social media doesn't help (comparison is the thief of joy and all that) but I think even without social media so many of my friends are disappointed because they have worked hard for so many years but have given up on the possibility of being able to afford houses anytime soon in the South, and are having to settle for overpriced one bedroom flats instead or an eternity of renting.

One of DH's friends (late 40s) was bitterly complaining about the millennials at work because they didn't want to go out to the pub after work every night because it was too expensive and they were trying to save for a deposit. She wasn't saying it like "This is a shit situation for them and it's a shame they have so little disposable income," she was complaining that they were too serious

So many of us "older generation" had shit childhoods... no money, no prospects, no hope... we have tried our damnedest to make things better for our children.

We should have been supporting failure with a safety net rather than preventing it happening in the first place - from a VERY early age. I see it with my kids, I wish I could turn the clock back.

I find there is lots of emphasis on telling under 5s they are amazing and not giving constructive criticism, also parents attend to their wants straightaway without asking them to wait and even allow kids to interrupt them in an adult conversation.

Really good post, Lockheart, I agree with that entirely. I don't know how we're going to turn the tide with social media, that's a pandemic addiction, I think.

Worra, well said and on point as always. If I could do a hand-clap emoji I would. The spelling and grammar twats are pathetic. I saw one write (sic) after repeating somebody's post on another thread. Unbelievably rude and obnoxious.

One of reasons lots of young adults don't have resilience is a lot weren't simply allowed to go out and play as kids without adult supervision.

When I use to go to the local park as a kid if you are older primary age you went on your own or met up with friends before hand, now kids have a parent there unless they are clearly secondary age.

Loads of my friends' with older children have had issues when their kids were 9-10 about them being allowed to walk to and from school on their own. It seems that the head teachers didn't think the parents checked that the kids could do it safely before they were allowed to. I find it amusing that some secondary school children in my area are taken to the bus stop by their parents.

Then as a PP pointed out they enter the workforce later including not having part time jobs. Even though I was 16 when there was a recession myself and loads of my peers still managed to get Saturday jobs even though our hours were not a full working day. One of my siblings' stated how his youngest matured loads simply by getting a part-time job at 18.

Then there are other things technology can be blamed for such as mobile phones. I couldn't be easily tracked, monitored or contact my parents as a kid but anyone under 23 would have been. One of my colleagues complained recently because his child had a minor problem when out playing but instead of working it out with her friends, she contacted him.

People haven't just lost their ability to cope.
It is much more complex than that.

Today life is overwhelming, too many different layers, too many things competing for attention. Life is too fast for many people, too hard and too finely balanced.
If you are already running at full throttle, one problem is going to send you over the edge because you are already over stretched.

I don't live like this, but I see that lots of my friends have reached their capacity. I am here for them of course, but I can see they have taken on alot, not always their choice I may add, and the smallest thing can and does cause things to snap.

As a society it needs addressing because it has having such a detrimental effect on our children.

Sorry that should have been:

"If you look at things like the suicide rate it has steadily dropped by almost a third since the 80s."

I agree with the OP but I think there are understandable reasons for this. The base stress level for most people in the West now is a lot higher than in the previous generation. My parents (boomers) had the usual stresses, paying mortgage, raising kids and a couple of recessions to battle through. They had less money than me, but things were more equal. If they fell out with their boss, they would literally walk out and get a job next door. Hardly anybody went abroad, had fancy cars or aspired to much beyond paying off the mortgage and retire and becoming a grandparent.

They would agree with me when I say my base level of stress is much higher and thus my camels back is always only about 5 straws short of breaking. Some of it is self inflicted but much of it is due to our culture, costs of surviving let alone living and societal expectations.

I have a mortgage, a car and DC with activities to pay for. I work hard but my job isn’t guaranteed. I feel uneasy because of Brexit. I can’t leave or lose my job because I worry for the economy. Bosses expect much more in terms of productivity and commitment.

We are constantly bombarded with ‘noise’ 24hr news of impending doom and fear designed to keep you on edge or spend. Constant ads, social media. Your brain barely has a chance to relax so you’re on edge. If you’re constantly living in a state of stress e.g your boss is a dick but your half salary rent is due, even something as minor as spilling coffee down your new dress may result in tears.

Humans need peaks and troughs and modern life is all peaks and the peaks are becoming higher. Yes some of it is parents not teaching their kids coping skills, I see the results in my own workplace but life is becoming increasingly stressful.

Maybe these attitudes will force employers to treat people better, change the whole way we work and reset priorities once and for all. Why should people spend most of their waking hours and the best years of their lives doing stuff they don't want to do, with people they don't want to be around? Sounds like hell, and for many people it is hell

I agree. Some people earn a huge amount of money and if they choose to work all the hours god sends for that, that's their choice. But for the less well paid, that's simply not a fair bargain.

I do sort of agree with you but on the other hand when I am up to my neck with stress I can fly off the handle with something that shouldn't be that major... I think it's just a case of straws and camels... you don't ever really know what's going on with people.