Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think DH needs to be more flexible...

81 replies

WingingIt101 · 18/07/2019 20:49

DH and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and are super excited. We are only about 4-5 weeks so it's super early but of course we are talking so much about every scenario we hope is to come.

One of those scenarios is how we tell our families - it'll be the first grandchild for both sides.
My parents live in the same village whilst his parents live a few hours away and his mum works weekends so naturally we see my parents quite frequently and his less so. We both agreed we would like to save the news until the dating scan was done and OK and ideally then share face to face.

We will actually be on holiday for weeks 10-12 and so will have the scan in our first week back.
We invited his mum to visit on the first weekend after the scan thinking we could use post holiday catch up as a good excuse to get together, and that with plenty of notice MIL might be able to get time off / swap her weeks which she often does if we invite them to stay, and then would ask my parents over for dinner on the same weekend and tell them together.

Unfortunately MIL has just said she can't do that weekend (we then have commitments the next four weekends and I honestly won't be able to keep the secret in longer than necessary 🤣) but it’s understandable because they don’t know why we are asking that it’s for something special!

I suggested to DH that we would perhaps call or FaceTime his parents and then pop to mine to tell them - perhaps the evening of the scan for both, or FaceTime his family from my parents so they al found out at the same time.

DH isn’t having any of it claiming his mum will be really upset and left out if she’s not part of it in exactly the same way as my parents are. Aibu to think he needs to be a little more flexible - we can’t expect people to do exactly as we hope especially when they don’t know our secret but I also don’t think it’s reasonable not to pop 2 minutes round the corner to tell my family in person because we can just because his family can’t get the news in the same way...

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/07/2019 20:51

Congratulations!

YANBU. DH is being U. Telling them at roughly the same time is a good idea, doesn’t need to be in the same way. Phone actually better IMO, to give the grandparents to be time to take in the news!

Namelessinseattle · 18/07/2019 20:52

Why not travel to his parents that weekend? FaceTime your parents? Everyone’s happy.

RedHelenB · 18/07/2019 20:52

What does your dh suggest you do?

Thehop · 18/07/2019 20:52

Your dh is being a bit unreasonable but, if he’s normally fair then o understand he wants to share the news the same way.

Your compromises seem good

Preggosaurus9 · 18/07/2019 20:53

Eurgh so much drama. Just give both a phone call on the same evening!

Theredtoyphone · 18/07/2019 20:53

I can kind of see where he’s coming from. Why not you phone/FaceTime your parents and he his after the scan all being well?

You’ll still see your parents face to face sooner to celebrate obviously but then it’s “equal” in hearing the news?

Alsohuman · 18/07/2019 20:56

Congratulations. Go and see his parents and tell them, then visit yours the moment you get back. Job done.

Taswama · 18/07/2019 20:56

Can’t you tell them a bit earlier. We told both sets of parents before the dating scan.

IDontDrinkTea · 18/07/2019 20:56

My husband was the same. He also refused to tell anyone until his parents were told as he wanted them to know first. Unfortunately they live a plane ride away, and we could get there until I was 18 weeks. He genuinely thought we could just not tell anyone til then.

Once he realised my jeans didn’t do up any more at ten weeks he got a bit more realistic. Plus the excitement of having a scan meant he agreed to tell them over Skype

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/07/2019 20:58

Just agree to call or FaceTime both parents. FaceTime on the way home from the scan so you can show them the pic.

Percypigparade · 18/07/2019 20:59

If you see your mum regularly I would be very surprised if you get to 12 weeks without her guessing.

Chocolatelover45 · 18/07/2019 21:02

It really doesn't matter that much - just make sure you tell them at more or less the same time. A phone call is fine. These big announcements are really cringey!

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 18/07/2019 21:02

We had opposite situation, DH’s family locally but mine far away. We told his in person and mine over FaceTime, not at the exact same time but close enough. Didn’t occur to me to think about it being ‘equal’ as we had different circumstances.

MeredithGrey1 · 18/07/2019 21:02

He’s being unreasonable in my opinion. I never really understand why everything has to be exactly the same between families even when it’s inconvenient or illogical. I’d understand his view if you wanted to tell your parents now and wait ages to tell his, but getting worked up over how they’re told is over the top in my opinion.
Will his mum even be aware of how your parents are told? If you choose to FaceTime them from your house, will you mention this when you FaceTime her?

Also, from what you know of her, is he right that she’ll care? We told my parents over the phone and my ILs in person because they live 5 mins away and my parents live several hours away. My mum wasn’t bothered by this at all.

Lllot5 · 18/07/2019 21:03

If you tell your in laws to come to dinner because you have something to tell them. They will guess and come to dinner.

WingingIt101 · 18/07/2019 21:04

IDontDrinkTea oh wow!

Thank you guys, he honestly has no other suggestion other than he doesn’t like any of the suggestions I’ve come up with and has said he doesn’t want to travel up there as his mum will be on shift over the weekend and we won’t see her properly anyway (I think I’m getting a glimpse of life with a toddler...)

It’s so bloody ridiculous I can’t believe it’s even an issue so I might just give him a few weeks to come up with ideas he’s also happy with but glad I’m not being a totally unreasonable cow!

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 18/07/2019 21:05

I hope you're talking about how you're both planning to parent!

LostInNorfolk · 18/07/2019 21:08

Pick up the phone and tell them?

This is not a big decision event- just do it.

Lennon80 · 18/07/2019 21:11

You are going to have fun parenting if this is even an issue. I told my mum over the phone he asked when he could he tell his. It’s your body your pregnancy and IMO you decide.

LostInNorfolk · 18/07/2019 21:11

2 mobile phones. 1 each. Synchronised dialling. You tell yours, he tells his.

I would write a script to make sure that they get exactly the same information at the same time. Do not divulge any additional information that may give 1 party an unfair advantage. Limit them to 3 questions each.

EKGEMS · 18/07/2019 21:16

Your families will have a clue when you decline alcohol and you're ill with nausea. Best laid plans...Congrats!

EKGEMS · 18/07/2019 21:16

Your families will have a clue when you decline alcohol and you're ill with nausea. Best laid plans...Congrats!

Rachelover40 · 18/07/2019 21:17

"FaceTime his family from my parents so they al found out at the same time. "

Very good idea.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 18/07/2019 21:23

Just call them after the scan. You might not get the exact reaction you want so don't make a big deal of it. My FIL was in shock for a good hour!

Topsecretidentity · 18/07/2019 21:29

I don't get why it needs to be the same time? It's not like your parents are going to call his parents and brag about how they knew first/ in person. I told my mum over the phone... And my husband told his parents in person (without me there)... don't even know who was told first and don't really care. I actually don't get why this is even a thing?