Aibu to think DH needs to be more flexible...

[WingingIt101]

DH and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and are super excited. We are only about 4-5 weeks so it's super early but of course we are talking so much about every scenario we hope is to come.

One of those scenarios is how we tell our families - it'll be the first grandchild for both sides.
My parents live in the same village whilst his parents live a few hours away and his mum works weekends so naturally we see my parents quite frequently and his less so. We both agreed we would like to save the news until the dating scan was done and OK and ideally then share face to face.

We will actually be on holiday for weeks 10-12 and so will have the scan in our first week back.
We invited his mum to visit on the first weekend after the scan thinking we could use post holiday catch up as a good excuse to get together, and that with plenty of notice MIL might be able to get time off / swap her weeks which she often does if we invite them to stay, and then would ask my parents over for dinner on the same weekend and tell them together.

Unfortunately MIL has just said she can't do that weekend (we then have commitments the next four weekends and I honestly won't be able to keep the secret in longer than necessary 🤣) but it’s understandable because they don’t know why we are asking that it’s for something special!

I suggested to DH that we would perhaps call or FaceTime his parents and then pop to mine to tell them - perhaps the evening of the scan for both, or FaceTime his family from my parents so they al found out at the same time.

DH isn’t having any of it claiming his mum will be really upset and left out if she’s not part of it in exactly the same way as my parents are. Aibu to think he needs to be a little more flexible - we can’t expect people to do exactly as we hope especially when they don’t know our secret but I also don’t think it’s reasonable not to pop 2 minutes round the corner to tell my family in person because we can just because his family can’t get the news in the same way...

Are you having your mum at the birth? Curious

Agree this is an overwrought palaver.
Just FaceTime both sets one after the other.

I think I’d do a private scan at 8 or 9 weeks, and tell them all before you go on holiday. Otherwise you’ll be 16 weeks when you plan on telling people and your family will have guessed already!

If you can't agree on how to tell your parents you're pregnant you're in for a bumpy ride!

I vividly remember telling my Mum on the phone, she was in total shock it was brilliant as she had no idea. I can't remember how in laws found out, I think I tasked DH with telling them. We have a rule of my parents my problem, his parents his problem. Children are our problem and we're still winging it with them

Why do you need a scan first in any case? Just tell them for heaven’s sake!

He is being unreasonable and is going to have to find a way to make things right in his head about his family being further away than yours before baby arrives. Is he going to start saying stuff like you can't visit your mum every day week/day because his mum can't see the baby that often? It will never be "fair" and your baby will be a person not a new toy to share.

His mum doesn't need to know what you do with your mum and when and she is unlikely to find out unless one of you rub her face in it. Which I'm sure won't happen.

However it is very early days and the thoughts we have about how things will be when dc arrive are rarely are realistic and you will find away, let it go for now, like you said let him think about solutions himself for a bit.

Eurgh so much drama. Just give both a phone call on the same evening!

^^This

If you phone them in the same evening your mum will likely be round the next day for a much longer chat. He can’t stop that happening when they live so close. Does he realise that geographic closeness means they will be more present in your child’s life? Or will he say they can’t see their grandparents two minutes away until they’ve had another visit with the ones on the other side of the country?

I would say your partner is BU but I have exactly the same situation. My partner gets v protective over ‘fairness’. For our first (unplanned but age 26 and perfectly reasonable!) DC I told my mum early and his parents not until around week 14. For second he was adamant we told all at the same time. Involved organising a bbq for DC1 birthday inviting all family and having a private early scan (10 weeks) to ensure all was ok before we told everyone.

I told my parents I was expecting over the phone and they live 10 mins away and we are very close.I just saw them a few days later,no biggie.

If his concern is that his mother will be upset if yours knows first, does he actually need to tell his mother that?

He's going to have to develop some flexibility anyway. What does he suggest you do if your mum works it out before the scan, which is, to be honest, pretty likely?

I think you both need to chill. Trying to over plan anything to do with pregnancy and parenting only leads to stress.

We had our scan, next day went to see my parents in the morning told them, drove two hours to visit PIL told them. No one can get cross over a delay that short when one set live closer than the other. Can you do similar?
They could but he doesn’t want to! Your dh needs to get a grip. Ask him will your mum not be allowed to visit during the week while you are struggling at home alone with a new baby because his mum can’t? Remind him that this is your medical information and your mums support you want as you grow a baby in your, not his, uterus, then push it out and have to look after baby. What if you are solidly vomiting from week 7, are you going to pretend to your mum it’s a month of stomach flu? Phone them both, your mum will be around the next day, and she will have guessed earlier.

Tell your parents face to face and enjoy the moment! And ask him what he wants to do for his. Congrats !!!

What about taking them all out for a meal somewhere half way to tell them? Personally it never occurred to me to think about whether I was first to be told about my coming Grandchildren!

We planned on waiting until our dating scan, but then I had bleeding, multiple doctors appointments and bad morning sickness. My mum picked me up one day and I burst into tears saying I was pregnant but thought I might lose it. I told DH I had told her so he called his mum to tell her. No dramas over me telling my mum and his mum was fine with a phone call.

You're not leaving mil out... They have been invited but can't come. He needs to get a grip and see it's not all about him or his parents, it's about a baby which doesn't need squabbling over.

He needs to buck his ideas up sharpish or it'll be a long 18 years.

In the grand scheme of things this doesn't matter at all - his mother will surely be over the moon and not wondering who knew what when.

We told my FIL weeks before everyone else as he happened to be visiting, no one else cared about that. We just told people when we saw them. Of course it makes sense to tell yours in person and his over the phone - or if he's so desperate to tell them in person then tell him to feel free to sort it out and go on his merry way.

You may need medical info from your mum anyway for your booking appt (medical history etc) so she'll guess.

I hadn't even seen my mum in person and she guessed!

Honestly if you see your mum regularly she’s very likely to know before you get to 12 weeks, mine guessed way before that.

Also honestly - they’re both going to be grandmas but you are the one whose body is changing, you are the one with a baby growing inside you, and if you feel that you want your mum’s support at this time then that’s reasonable.

You can’t always treat both sides of the family exactly the same, because sometimes the fact that you personally are closer to one side matters!

Same with giving birth - you may want your mum there for support, that doesn’t mean you have to have your MIL there.

your parents will notice by then, and if you are close and anything went wrong, surely you'd tell them anyway? i dont really get not telling people youre really close to until later/after the scan.
Anyway your dh is being really silly and you're both massively over thinking your big reveal, the other set of parents are unlikely to ask how or when the others were told.
Makes sense to tell your parents face to face and face time dh's parents and i wouldnt do it at the same time, id face time dh's parents then go round and tell your parents straight after.

People are right ....your mum will probably guess before your dating scan.

I had to tell my employer at 6 weeks because my morning sickness was so bad. I'm glad I did too as I also had multiple instances of bleeding and had to take lots of time off work. It meant they were really understanding.

You really can't plan these things.

Wow! There's no way I could have kept it a secret that long! We phoned my mum as soon as we found out and then went to tell his mum as soon as I got off the phone. My mum didn't care that it was a phone call, she was just happy for us. I did say to her I would have rather have told her face to face but I couldn't wait to tell her! I think you're both making it into a massive drama.

If you can keep it a secret that long, maybe phone them all after you’ve had the dating scan.

So if you cant share the news for the next 10 weeks what does he want you to do about putting on weight, feeling sick, changing what you eat and drink, needing to nap all the time - are you supposed to hide it from your parents or avoid them so they will guess?

I hope he isn't one of those people who say grandparents have to have equal time with the grandkid so you've got to avoid your own parents on maternity leave as it's unfair you'll see then more?

There really doesn't need to be so much fuss about it surely? Yes it's the first grandchild but jeez.

Your husband would annoy me. I hope he comes to his senses.

I'm with the Facetime your in laws and just tell your parents at roughly the same time. And calm down

If you’re not careful you’ll stand the chance of ruining any announcements because you want to over complicated it, so it can be “perfect”.

Just go with the flow. Don’t create drama when there need not be any.