Aibu to think DH needs to be more flexible...

[WingingIt101]

DH and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and are super excited. We are only about 4-5 weeks so it's super early but of course we are talking so much about every scenario we hope is to come.

One of those scenarios is how we tell our families - it'll be the first grandchild for both sides.
My parents live in the same village whilst his parents live a few hours away and his mum works weekends so naturally we see my parents quite frequently and his less so. We both agreed we would like to save the news until the dating scan was done and OK and ideally then share face to face.

We will actually be on holiday for weeks 10-12 and so will have the scan in our first week back.
We invited his mum to visit on the first weekend after the scan thinking we could use post holiday catch up as a good excuse to get together, and that with plenty of notice MIL might be able to get time off / swap her weeks which she often does if we invite them to stay, and then would ask my parents over for dinner on the same weekend and tell them together.

Unfortunately MIL has just said she can't do that weekend (we then have commitments the next four weekends and I honestly won't be able to keep the secret in longer than necessary 🤣) but it’s understandable because they don’t know why we are asking that it’s for something special!

I suggested to DH that we would perhaps call or FaceTime his parents and then pop to mine to tell them - perhaps the evening of the scan for both, or FaceTime his family from my parents so they al found out at the same time.

DH isn’t having any of it claiming his mum will be really upset and left out if she’s not part of it in exactly the same way as my parents are. Aibu to think he needs to be a little more flexible - we can’t expect people to do exactly as we hope especially when they don’t know our secret but I also don’t think it’s reasonable not to pop 2 minutes round the corner to tell my family in person because we can just because his family can’t get the news in the same way...

We're the same, DH's parents live a flight away. I told my Mum when the wee was still drying on the stick, even before DH (he was working away and I wanted to tell him face to face). He just told his Mum over the phone at about 8 or 9w. Eight weeks is a long time to keep something like this from immediate family if you see them with any regularity so I would just tell both sets soon. Your family will just end up guessing and he'll still feel aggrieved or you'll feel you have to keep it quiet from him.

He probably wants to show his DMum the scan picture and all and is building it up a bit in his head into a big reveal. This is sadly the reality of living away from close family, you can't make everything "fair". How is he going to cope with families meeting the baby, or birthdays etc? He's going to have to start to get his head round the fact that you can't have a completely equal playing field with that distance and in-laws that work weekends.

He ibu, you might be pregnant with twins and clearly pregnant by 12 weeks to the point that people start asking. Are ypu supposed to avoid your own family and friends until you're nearly 18 weeks?? And surely his family will be sad you have my told them until then when you can face time them

There's no way I'd wait until 12 weeks to tell my mum. When I was last pregnant I told my mum when I wanted (ie straight away (I can't recall how) and he told his over the phone. I really can't imagine seeing my mum when I knew I was pregnant and not mentioning it and I think if I'd waited she'd be a but understandably put out.

I only think you need to wait to tell all and sundry before 12 weeks because if the risk of miscarriage. Telling your mum or best friend is fine as if you had a miscarriage you'd tell them I am sure! I wouldn't tell anyone you wouldn't want to tell you'd had a miscarriage.

Otherwise you are massively overthinking it. Just tell who you want to tell and stop making a mountain out of a molehilll.

What if you have awful pregnancy symptoms. Won't you want your mums support? The more I think about it the more I think it is very weird to wait to tell your mum until after 12 weeks.

I had ivf which family knew about but we don't live near either of them so they all got told over the phone at roughly the same time- which was early at like 6 weeks as they knew we were going through treatment. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter how you tell them but if I were you and saw my mum regularly no way would I not get able to tell her (earlier than the dating scan). Personally I don't think he can dictate and make you wait to tell yours just so he can tell his face to face.

Ask him what his suggestion is then.

I think you should tell them all before then. We decided to only tell family and close friends before the 12 week scan. So, when I miscarried at 9.5 weeks, my mum came to visit (she lived 160 miles away, and I told her about the pregnancy over the phone, when I was about 5/6 weeks) to comfort me.

Most likely, you'll be fine, and nothing bad will happen, but if it did, will you then tell your parents, or keep quiet? You'll be needing your mum.

So, I think you're both being unreasonable. Invite them all round for dinner, before then, and don't leave it too long.

That is a hell of a lot of conversation and a long post just over how to tell someone you're pregnant.

Just call both sets of parents one after the other.

There's much bigger conversations to be having now.

Congratulations!

I told my parents before the scans with both pregnancies. With DS1 I had to tell my mum because she was trying to get me to help someone move house and lift heavy furniture. With DS2, my parents were looking after DS1 when I went for the booking in appointment and taking me to the hospital. I decided it was a good idea to tell them before getting them to drop me off at the maternity building.

DH told his family after the scans. He surprised them both times with a picture.

Phone both parents. Job done

Can you get private scan at 8 weeks before you go away?

Tell your husband he needs to tell them soon after the scan,this is what phones are for.If he dithers then your family who see you will guess anyway and know first.
Birthdays and Christmas are going to be fun!

It’s going to be a long 18 years if this is how it’s going to be. Insisting on equal grandparenting privileges when one set live so far away is silly and unworkable and that type of attitude is not going to do your wee baby any good when he or she is here.
I’d be puting a stop to the nonsense early on OP.

Just phone them both after the scan. With our first we told DH's parents the weekend before the scan and I phoned my mum on the way home from it. I didnt tell my mum anything I wasn't ready for the world to know.

DH isn’t having any of it claiming his mum will be really upset and left out if she’s not part of it in exactly the same way as my parents are

Well then. He needs to engineer a sure fire way of enticing her down on the weekend.

I have 2 children. Am I alone in not really remembering or worrying about how to tell (in our case 4 sets of 'parents)?

I think we each made 2 phone calls once we had got to 12 weeks.

Really, really hope you can agree on the big stuff.

I think he might need to learn pronto that although you may have had a lovely modern equal relationship so far, ‘we’ are not pregnant- you alone are pregnant. You do in fact get to decide what to do with your own medical information.

Plus, yeah, your mum will probably guess within minutes.

Oh dear, he’s making a drama when there doesn’t need to be any.

Whats he going to be like when DC arrives? Totting up hours spent with your mum vs his mum? Not letting you parents help or babysit in case they get more time with DC than his mum?

We had our scan, next day went to see my parents in the morning told them, drove two hours to visit PIL told them. No one can get cross over a delay that short when one set live closer than the other. Can you do similar?

We did it that way as we'd had fertility issues they knew about and were already visiting PIL for the weekend, so I wanted to be able to tell DM & DF in person too, so I do understand him.

We decided to wait until after the scan. Then I told my DM by phone at 5 weeks and DD at 6 weeks in person (DM had kept it secret). DH held out far better than me, but he only made it to 10 weeks before telling his parents. If I had my time over we'd have told his parents sooner, that's have enjoyed having the secret for that little bit longer. It's early days. Can you just tell them all sooner (dinner party in a couple of weeks) and accept that if it goes wrong you'd want all of their support anyway? Congratulations and I hope it all goes smoothly for you.

I waited because I didn't know until ten and a half weeks and another week or so to wait until telling them didn't seem long. Also gave us time to get our heads around it after so long thinking it wasn't possible for us without IVF, which we hadn't started yet.

You are epically over thinking this. Send both parents the scan pic. Call them up straight after: squeeee! Then see them as normal whenever you see them.

Meanwhile get a grip as you are about to become parents, you're a team, and need to start acting like adults.

Congratulations. Your Mum is going to know the next time she sees your face. So the debate is moot. Your parents will know before DHs parents, you have about 2-3 weeks before you want to sleep all day and might feel like throwing up morning noon and night, just tell them all tonight 😉

Wait till you start planing who to see on Baby's first Christmas OP!

(Just phone both sets of parents up and tell them...they will probably have already guessed anyway!)