Aibu to think DH needs to be more flexible...

[WingingIt101]

DH and I have recently found out I'm pregnant with our first and are super excited. We are only about 4-5 weeks so it's super early but of course we are talking so much about every scenario we hope is to come.

One of those scenarios is how we tell our families - it'll be the first grandchild for both sides.
My parents live in the same village whilst his parents live a few hours away and his mum works weekends so naturally we see my parents quite frequently and his less so. We both agreed we would like to save the news until the dating scan was done and OK and ideally then share face to face.

We will actually be on holiday for weeks 10-12 and so will have the scan in our first week back.
We invited his mum to visit on the first weekend after the scan thinking we could use post holiday catch up as a good excuse to get together, and that with plenty of notice MIL might be able to get time off / swap her weeks which she often does if we invite them to stay, and then would ask my parents over for dinner on the same weekend and tell them together.

Unfortunately MIL has just said she can't do that weekend (we then have commitments the next four weekends and I honestly won't be able to keep the secret in longer than necessary 🤣) but it’s understandable because they don’t know why we are asking that it’s for something special!

I suggested to DH that we would perhaps call or FaceTime his parents and then pop to mine to tell them - perhaps the evening of the scan for both, or FaceTime his family from my parents so they al found out at the same time.

DH isn’t having any of it claiming his mum will be really upset and left out if she’s not part of it in exactly the same way as my parents are. Aibu to think he needs to be a little more flexible - we can’t expect people to do exactly as we hope especially when they don’t know our secret but I also don’t think it’s reasonable not to pop 2 minutes round the corner to tell my family in person because we can just because his family can’t get the news in the same way...

Congratulations OP.

Agree with FaceTiming PILs after the scan and then go and tell your parents ( if your mum hasn’t already guessed ) no need to get flustered. It sounds like your MIL is lovely and you get on well so unlikely to be one of those MILs that throws a strop because she wasn’t told first!

I don't think either of you are wrong. I can understand his feelings to be honest, putting myself in your MIL's shoes I think I would feel quite sad to miss out if you were all with your parents. Facetime isn't the same. But I understand it's difficult to balance everything. It may depend on her personality, it'll bother some people more than others. I don't think my MIL would have minded. We didn't tell ours ours at the same time, but we did insist on telling in person, I think I'd prioritise that than them hearing at the same time tbh (although 4 weeks is too long of course!)

We told parents seperately as we told them all face to face. With dd1, we told them as soon as we found out and asked them to keep quiet. It was lovely because I was very much 'looked after'. When I got pregnant the second time, we realised my dating scan would be just before Christmas so we kept it a secret so we coukd do a big announcement. Webought personalised calendars for each of our mums and planned to stick the scan pic to the due date. Unfortunately, at the scan I found out the baby had died and I would miscarry. The worst thing was needing to tell my ils and parents that there was a baby, but the baby had died. I tell you this because my advice is to tell the people whose support you will need now. Tell them so that if you are sick as a dog they can look after you. Tell them because if something doesn't go to plan you can lean on them. The 12 week rule is stupid. Getting to 12 weeks doesnt mean all will be fine, I miscarried at 13 weeks. And a loss before 12 weeks is not an insignificant event that won't break your heart into a million pieces and leave you needing the support of others. It is a wonderful, joyous and happy time. Share it. With dd2, I told everyone at 6 weeks. My only regret is that I was so scared I refused to let anyone mention my pregnancy from then on. Congratulations, wishing you a happy and healthy 9 months.

Honestly, just text everyone a photo of the scan. It’s not something anyone needs to overthink.

I am 12 weeks and there is no way I would have been able to keep it a secret from my family. I have had awful morning sickness and I am showing already.

Your dh needs to realise that relationships are about compromise and that things don't happen the way we want. Especially when it comes to raising kids.

I came on to say roughly what Whatsername7 said. Think about who you would want to support you if you miscarry, and tell them as soon as you like.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, and very much hope you won’t face anything like it, but that’s the reality. And that’s why we wait till 12 weeks before telling anyone, isn’t it?
If that means you still wouldn’t tell your parents, you’re left with the current problem.
If you’d tell both sets, hopefully the logistics get easier.
If you’d tell your DP and not his, you have a new issue, but you might as well face it now as later or when the child is here!
And do give him a week or two to let it sink in before having a fight about this.