Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

[havinganothertry]

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

My son was a nightmare, banned from the children’s centre and the local co op at that age
I thought I was the most shit parent, it wasn’t until he started school and got several diagnosis’ and I look back and think I was a bloody good mum, he just had a lot of hidden difficulties

@hopefulhalf

Brilliant! Absolutely true!

People with wellbehaved kids will say it is their superior parenting

People with poorly behaved kids say it's the child's personality/luck of the draw

I also think sleep plays a part . Dd1 always slept so well I always felt on top of my game, whereas with a poor sleeper you're so knackered you some times handle things wrongly. Well I do!

I haven't finished reading the entire thread buy I'd reiterate that at the age of two or three many children's special needs would be unlikely to have been spotted yet, much less diagnosed.

If you were to have seen my child at the age of three running across a car park, screaming and refusing to get in the car, you would probably have labelled us as bad, ineffective parents.

It turns out that my child has special needs, meaning that "traditional" parenting techniques have gone out of the window. That is what my child needs in order to be calmer and less anxious.

Definitely a combo. I’m positive and loving but pretty firm with DS. I think I’ve got quite good natural authority and can get him to behave pretty well these days (he’s 3 and a half).

But he’s always been quite a handful and there were some occasional times when he was a bit younger when his behaviour could be horrible, seemingly for no reason. He’s quite emotionally sensitive and I think the behaviour happened when he felt particularly stressed or out of kilter about something. But when he was in that sort of mood there was genuinely very little parenting wise I could do to modify his behaviour (other than watching like a hawk and removing if necessary).

But when he was in that sort of mood there was genuinely very little parenting wise I could do to modify his behaviour (other than watching like a hawk and removing if necessary).

The watching like a hawk and removing if necessary bit - that is parenting.

Both - plus other environmental factors e.g. are you the eldest sibling etc

I think people are very judgemental of other parents.

I say this as someone who once left toddler group after 12 minutes because three strikes and you're out was seen as a challenge rather than a definite outcome. Oh the screaming.

Well bully for you. I did this on a regular basis with DS between the ages of 18 months and about 3.5yrs old. So 2 years of leaving any event where he hurt or hit another child (on the occasions where despite following him around, I didn't get there in time or god forbid, I had a moment of distraction being human and all)

The number of people who told me I was being too harsh as I left yet another event with a screaming toddler was astonishing (never the parent of the child he had hurt though, they instead thought I was too soft!)

DS did stop hurting other children (at home anyway, school was another matter) by the time he was 4. It too 2 years of following through with everything DH and I said. I also learned to read his signs and didn't take him to as many things that would overwhelm him but ti was a steep learning curve for a new parent and I would not blame anyone else for struggling with that at all

Whilst I have posted before that I don't think I am a great parent ( particularly at the moment of a teen!) I certainly put in the effort require to get DS to stop hurting other children, it took a bloody long time though, certainly leaving ONE event did not achieve anything.

Parenting is a long game and a misbehaving 3 year old is no indication whatsoever as to whether their parent is putting in effort or not. They may be putting in four times the amount of effort you are but just getting worse results. for reasons outside their control That doesn't mean to say they are not having an effect. Things might be even worse if they weren't trying at all.

I have well behaved kids but think it’s genetics. Dh and I were both rule following swotty types who hated upsetting our parents - our two kids are very easy!

My poor friend discovered after having kids that her dh was expelled from 3 primary schools . He is mild mannered and very successful you would never guess his dark past

Wise words bumbling, how is your ds now ?

Parenting. I don't put up with bad behaviour.

Parenting. The best children I know have strict (but loving and fun) parents.

I have 4 boys. 80% personality 20% parenting I think.

@thecatinthetwat
Or they just accept the reality, that parenting is hard are we all get it wrong at times. You can believe it's "100% parenting" and not be an A parent, just willing to take responsibility*
It's not necessarily about parents "getting it wrong" but parents getting it right and their parenting experience still being so much harder than other parents because of the nature of their child. It's not about parents abdicating responsibility by suggesting that nature plays a massive role, but more accepting people's lived reality that parenting is one of those areas that you don't always get out what you put in.

It's a combination of character and parenting, of course.

I'd also point out that it's most likely a phase, too -- at times, pretty much all children will behave badly, surely?

leaving aside any additional needs it is 100% parenting.

because of the nature of their child

All kids will be rough and grab stuff at times. You can't just blame it on the child's nature though. All parents have to deal with this at some point.

I just find it such a cop out. 'Oh, my kid's harder work than yours'.
'No, your tendency to do nothing to prevent or intervene is higher than mine'

I think it really can depend on the child’s personality but also how the parent handles it. My ds as a 3 year old was a nightmare,not nasty to other children but always upto something like running off or climbing what he shouldn’t be or touching things and if you told him ‘no’ or tried to discipline him he would go into complete meltdown and tantrum for hours. It does get to the point where you have to pick your battles or every day would just be unbearable. Now he’s much older he still can’t sit still and has to climb everything and be taking things apart and fiddling. He's also still completely stubborn and thinks he knows best. However he’s also very bright and a beautifully polite and sociable and top of his class but my word as a 3 year old I couldn’t take him anywhere without getting looks and tutting.

As in giving birth, as in living life, as in parenting, as in anything!

It’s a combination of the hand you are dealt and how you play it.

An excellent hand will likely always be good, even if played badly.

A bad hand will likely never be easy, even if played exceptionally.

Most folk probably have average hands and either play them well or less so, meaning that they think it’s all to do with parenting.

Other folk get very difficult hands and no matter how well they play, they’ll never get average results.

Add to this the complicating factor that the difficulty of the hand you’re dealt can also effect your ability to play it well.

This amplify works across many different situations.

And it’s not rocket science. Quite obvious really!

Analogy not amplify

Haha I'm laughing at judging a child's character by how a three yr old behaves at a party. Life is long op as is childhood... My kids had bad days. Don't you think a thee Yr old has off days??

Margolovebutter fair enough and I largely agree.

I'm just going to add that having a child with autism and complex needs makes me a hell of a lot less judgemental than I used to be. There's so many more important issues of parenting than focusing on behaviour. If your child eats, sleeps well and is generally happy and not anxious you are truly blessed! If my child could communicate better she would be so much less frustrated. There are many things I find socially hard when I take my daughter out as I know how people could assume things and judge but it's made me tough and a lot more empathic to other parents. I actually never assume anything anymore, I just hope the parent and child are ok! It's kind of freed me from over analysing these matters. Bad parenting to me is anything abusive. Otherwise I need the full picture!

I cannot be 100% parenting...if it was then every parent would dish out the same children every time regardless. My parents raised me and my dB under the same parenting rules and we couldn’t have turned out any differently. My dh is one of three and they were all parented the same...guess what they all turned out differently!! Personality has to have something to do with it. How else would the nature vs nurture argument have been created!!